new-parent

ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʙᴀʙʏ sᴇɴᴛᴇɴᴄᴇ ᴍᴇᴍᴇ!


      PREGNANCY -

❝ We’re going to be parents! ❞
❝ Did you feel him/her/them kick!? ❞
❝ Do you want to feel the baby? ❞
❝ I’m pregnant…and it’s yours. ❞
❝ Do you think I’ll make a good mother/father? ❞
❝ What are you hoping for? ❞
❝ I feel so nauseous today… ❞
❝ What should we name him/her/them? ❞
❝ How many diapers do you think we’ll need? ❞
❝ You’re crying over a puppy? ❞
❝ Is just strawberry okay? They didn’t have strawberries and cream. ❞
❝ I’ve read this book four times I’m basically an expert by now. ❞
❝ Boy or girl? ❞
❝ Wait, do we have everything on this list I found? ❞
❝ Can you put the crib together? I’m so tired. ❞
❝ This kid can come out anytime it’s ready. ❞      
❝ You’re glowing. ❞
❝ How far along are you? ❞
❝ Please don’t freak out…but I’m pregnant. I SAID DON’T FREAK OUT. ❞
❝ Hospital. Now! ❞
❝ I think that was a contraction… ❞
❝ The due date’s not until next week! ❞

     NEW BABY -

❝ S/He’s your kid before five in the morning. ❞
❝ We need to go on a diaper run again. ❞
❝ We’re out of formula–where’s the other can!? ❞
❝ Ugh, s/he spit up on my good shirt! ❞
❝ S/he won’t stop crying, I don’t know what to do. ❞        
❝ Please take him/her, I’m going to go crazy with the screaming. ❞
❝ Is it even possible for a baby to scream so much!? ❞
❝ Should they be breathing like that? ❞
❝ I need to go check on the baby. ❞    
❝ If you never put him/her down you’ll spoil him/her. ❞
❝ Daddy/Mommy’s little girl/boy! ❞
❝ Good morning, little spawn of Satan! ❞
❝ Shhh, they’re finally asleep.  ❞    
❝ Dammit, I just got them to sleep! ❞
❝ Be careful, s/he’s a hair puller…. ❞
❝ Where’s the pacifier!? ❞
❝ I can’t find his/her blanket, please help me. ❞    
❝ I’ve been up since four this morning, it’s your turn. ❞
❝ I found you and the baby sleeping in the recliner at six am and it was so precious. ❞
❝ Stroller, diaper bag, playpen, blanket, bottles, what else do we need before we go to your parents? ❞
❝ A babysitter!? Are you insane!? ❞    
❝ You’re going to spoil them. ❞    
❝ We can’t go out with the baby, that’s just asking for trouble. ❞
❝ Baby’s awake… ❞
❝ S/he’s so precious…. ❞
❝ This is our son/daughter…. ❞
❝ We make damn beautiful babies. ❞
❝ Look at his/her little feet… ❞
❝ S/he has your eyes. ❞
❝ Do not dress him/her in that! ❞    
❝ Be careful with him/her! ❞
❝ Did you remember to pack his/her toy? ❞
❝ His/her first tooth came in today. Already bit me.❞
❝ Did you hear that? That was a cough.❞           

        CHILDREN -

❝ The kids won’t stop fighting. ❞
❝ We should have another. ❞
❝ Stop giving them dessert before dinner! ❞
❝ You’re going to spoil them rotten… ❞
❝ You need to learn not to fall for the puppy dog eyes.  ❞
❝ I just love them so much!? ❞    
❝ How are we going to break the news to them that they’re getting a brother/sister? ❞
❝ Their screaming woke the baby… ❞    
❝ I’m a horrible mother/father… ❞
❝ How can you make the baby hush and I can’t? ❞
❝ Was that a word!? ❞
❝ His/her first word better not be a damn cuss word! ❞    
❝ You look exhausted. ❞
❝ First steps! First steps! ❞
❝ Watch, s/he can roll over now! ❞
❝ I don’t want anyone else watching our baby/children. ❞    
❝ They totally wanted to build the pillow fort, not me. ❞
❝ Can you manage dropping them off? ❞
❝ Damn terrible twos, right? ❞
❝ How did they outgrow their clothes so fast!? ❞   
❝ I think we make damn good parents. ❞
❝ Why are both you and the baby crying? ❞
❝ Here, I’ll watch him/her, you go relax. ❞
❝ I haven’t been able to put her/him down all morning/day/night. ❞    
❝ S/he doesn’t want me, s/he wants you! ❞
❝ S/he just ran into the coffee table, don’t worry. ❞
❝ Stop fighting with me in front of the kid/s! ❞
❝ We shouldn’t have dressed the twins in matching outfits… ❞    
❝ Can I hold him/her? ❞
❝ S/he has separation anxiety because you never put them down! ❞
❝ My mother always hoped my kids would end up like me…I’m so sorry. ❞
❝ I wouldn’t let them do ____, so they started crying. ❞  
❝ Oh, s/he’s just a little angel! ❞
❝ Hello, little one! ❞
❝ I can babysit if you’d like. ❞
❝ Guess who broke your favorite ____. ❞  
❝ Finally got him/her/them to sleep. ❞
❝ It’s your turn to put him/her/them to bed. ❞
❝ I hate bath time. ❞
❝ Can you help me with the kids for five goddamn minutes!? ❞
 
❝ I think ____ is jealous of the baby. ❞
❝ ___ just hit ___, can you do something!? ❞
❝ Is locking kids in the basement against the law!? ❞
❝ They’re cute when they’re quiet. ❞
❝ Maybe taking them to the park will let out all their energy. ❞
❝ _____ colored on the walls today… ❞
❝ Look at the mess they made again… ❞      
                     

Keith: (slowly and a little too loud) Hey, It’s me Keith. I am your fa-ther. We are bonding? Yes?

Lance: Keith, no. Just no. You know, she can’t talk, right? Try again. Just talk to her, like a normal person and not, I don’t know, like you are a robot who works with the elderly, maybe? 

Keith: Hi, I’m your dad.

Lance: Better.

Keith: Well, one of your dads. You have two dads. Your other dad, Lance, he is going to be a great dad. You’re a lucky little girl. Honestly, I have no idea what I am doing, but I’ll love you. I love you now, more than I thought I could ever love someone I just met. And I promise I will always protect you. In fact, I’d slaughter-

Lance: Uh, I’m gonna stop you there, Keith. Up until the slaughtering, you were doing great. Can I have our baby back, now? 

(Lance looks like a man who regrets his life choices and it cracks me up. He doesn’t. Just the fact that Keith really has no clue about babies is dawning on him.)

3

For Jernica Quiñones, the reality of sudden infant death syndrome, or SIDS, hit close to home this year when a friend woke up on New Year’s Day and discovered the lifeless body of her baby girl.

That’s why Quiñones’ 4-month-old son, Bless'n, has spent a lot of his life so far sleeping in a cardboard box.

The 33-year-old mother of five took part in a program in New Jersey that promotes safe sleep education through the distribution of “baby boxes” that double as bassinets.

“Some mothers can’t buy a Pack-n-Play or a crib,” Quiñones says. And that can lead to bed sharing, a risk factor for SIDS.

The program is a riff on Finland’s well-known baby box, or maternity package, which the government gives to expectant mothers who get a prenatal checkup: It’s the box, plus clothing, blankets and other supplies.

Now that Finnish model is making inroads in the U.S., but with a twist. Instead of being a prenatal incentive, it’s being used to deliver a postpartum safe sleep message.

States Give New Parents Baby Boxes To Encourage Safe Sleep Habits

Photos: Maddie McGarvey for NPR

theguardian.com
Nintendo at naptime: how to play video games after having a baby
In the maelstrom of new motherhood, doing something fun and familiar can be a huge stress reliever. And why shouldn’t that thing be gaming?
By Keza MacDonald

Here’s one of the more bizarre and pressurising fictions of motherhood: the second you give birth, everything in your previous life instantly becomes meaningless. You might have spent 30 years enjoying skiing or novels or, you know, a career, but as soon as you’re someone’s mummy you become singularly devoted to parenthood forever. If you do have any spare time in between tending to the ceaseless needs of your infant you’re supposed to spend it either baking or aggressively researching local schools.

Oddly enough, we don’t expect dads to give up all their hobbies and redirect their energies into sewing bunting or father-baby yoga. Mums shouldn’t have to either. In the first few months after having a baby, I was desperate to retain some sense of personhood amongst all the feeding and nappy-changing and not-sleeping and marvelling at my son’s tiny hands. But a lot of the things I really enjoy – travel, reading things longer than five paragraphs, drinking more than one glass of wine a night – truly are off the table for a while, as they are wildly impractical. During the first three months of my son’s life, playing video games was one of the only things I could realistically do for myself. They are relatively cheap and you don’t have to spend two hours trying to leave the house.

[…]

God I hope his first word is not “chocobo”.

On gaming as a new mother.

Saw a man refusing to let his pregnant wife off the porch because he “saw a rat the size of a dog and I will NOT let it bite you, please go back inside darling”. Made me wonder how protective the Maheswaran’s were of their baby.

always on my mind

Derek had a completely normal childhood.

He spent his first few months of kindergarten playing with a ginger-haired boy named Will. Will was awesome, he liked hockey as much as Derek did and knew all the presidents’ names and his favorite color was green. Derek remembers this. He remembers Will. He remembers Will being real.

Never mind that, after months of raving about his new best friend, his parents ended up slipping his name into their parent-teacher conference only for his teacher to say that there was no redhead named Will in his class.

Never mind that his parents spent weeks prodding Derek to find out who this Will was.

Never mind that they ultimately decided that Will was his imaginary friend.

Soon, Will started showing up at Derek’s house, when he was alone in his room. He was just a kid. He didn’t question it.

Will kept coming around – sitting next to him in class, in the corner reading with him at recess, playing card games with him after school, helping him with his math homework – far after his parents deemed it acceptable to have an imaginary friend.

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Pretend | Park Chanyeol

Link to Masterlist

Royalty AU | Arranged Marriage AU | Slight Angst 

Summary: You’re unsure but hopeful about your arranged marriage to the handsome Prince Chanyeol of the neighboring kingdom. But you’re in for an unpleasant surprise when you find out he’s in love with someone else, and completely despises the idea of being married to you. 

Word Count : About 5,500 (i don’t know how this got so long)


A/N: I was originally considering making this a series because it’s so long, but I think it works as a super-long oneshot? I do hope you enjoy this, it’s probably the most ambitious thing I’ve attempted to write :) 


“Are you ready, your Highness?”

“I will be in just a minute!” you said, as your lady-in-waiting, Lily, gently placed the delicate tiara on your carefully styled up hair. You took a deep breath and stared at your reflection in the mirror.

“You look absolutely radiant, Princess,” she said, smiling. “I’m sure Prince Chanyeol will be swept off his feet with one look at you.”

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anonymous asked:

Any recent fics you read that you liked? And what about that bottom louis fic rec you promised? ;))

I will do the recent fic list because I have had some awesome fics to read in the last few days. Also, I am gonna limit it to 10 fics lest I get carried away. On to the fics!!


Like an Endless Summer by objectlesson @horsegirlharry

Louis is a riding instructor at a summer camp, and Harry is a fellow counselor who he’s been successfully managing his crush on for the last two summers. That is, until Harry shows up this year leveled up and lethal, and all Louis’s formerly perfected veneer of nonchalance melts like a Popsicle in the sun.

**This is delightful. An absolute treat!!


Or Brûlant by iris_avis (starryeyedlarry) (WIP) @iris-avis

After completing his prestigious dance training overseas, Harry returns to England to begin teaching in one of London’s elite ballet schools. Only, certain dancers aren’t too happy to have him suddenly on board. Or his well-fitted lycra uniform. Throw in some unusual dynamics, tense elevation demonstrations and an unlikely dance partnership, and you’ve got yourself a pretty interesting edition of Matthew Bourne’s ‘Swan Lake’.

Or the one where Harry is the new ballet teacher, despite him being younger than everyone in his class, and Louis is less than impressed by his inescapable talent. They sort themselves out eventually.

**I am in love with this fic. Listen, even if you don’t love ballet, you will love this.

 

cupid’s defence by rhuubarb  @rhuubarb

“Of course, the ONE time a ridiculously attractive man shows up at Louis’ home, butt naked, he turns out to be an arrogant love god. Not only that, but he’s an arrogant love god facing a multi-million pound lawsuit, possible banishment from Mount Olympus, and a shit ton of adjustment issues.”

Alternatively: Harry is Cupid, Louis and Liam own a law firm, and they’re all getting sued.

**HARRY CRIES GLITTER!! NEED I SAY MORE?!?! But in all seriousness, this fic is gold. Go read it!!


Carry This Feeling by Awriterwrites, dimpled_halo @dimpled-halo @a-writerwrites

Harry knows, objectively, that he shouldn’t try to get his ghostwriter into bed. He knows. But…he finds it hard to resist temptation when Louis waltzes into his home and his life and turns everything upside down. And, as it turns out, Louis might just need a little turning upside down too.

**This fic was a treat to read. Harry is a troubled soul and Louis helps him figure himself out.


under me, you by hazzafrazza (colberry) @colberry

You Won’t Believe Who Was Spotted Leaving Harry Styles’ Primrose Hill Pad!

If Harry was being completely honest, it probably wasn’t the best idea to be a world-renowned popstar and an infamous vigilante.

(Especially when all the comic books said never reveal your secret identity to keep your loved ones safe – which was all well and good, until Louis.)

Or: Harry wants a lot of things – fame, glory, Louis – but that last one is particularly hard to get when everyone thinks you’re dating your secret superhero alter-ego and suddenly you’ve become your own worst cockblock.

**This is fucking hilarious!! A very funny twist to your vigilante fics!!


Your Mess Is Mine by amory @amories

Louis is the father to the most brilliant little boy in the world who is all Louis really needs, or at least that’s what he tells himself. Harry is a gorgeous boybander fresh off a two year break and a massive scandal that’s left him a little broken and more than ready to move on.

They fall in love.

**I have been following this one since it had been a WIP. It is a good read.


Through Eerie Chaos by MediaWhore @mediawhorefics

For as long as anyone can remember, Old Hillsbridge Manor has always been believed to be haunted. Everyone in the village agrees and keeps a respectful, fearful, distance. New in town after a bad breakup and an internship that led to disappointment rather than a permanent job, Harry Styles figures taking pictures of the decrepit building could be a great new creative project. Or at least a much-needed distraction while he searches for a job and crashes at his parents’ new house. No one warned him about the apparitions though; about the music, the laughter, the people who flicker and vanish when you call after them, the echoes of a past that should be long gone… Harry has never believed in spirits but even he can admit that there’s something weird going on. What starts as mere curiosity evolves into a full-blown investigation and soon enough, Harry finds himself making friends with an aristocrat from the 1920s and struggling with finding the best way to tell him that he’s dead.

The Ghost Hunter AU where Niall lives to prove ghosts are real, Zayn is a skeptical librarian and Harry gets caught up in a century-old mystery and catches feeling in the process.

**This fic has probably been recced everywhere in every list as it should be. It is one of the most unique fics I have read. Also, the feels are real. Get ready to cry.


picture you staring by turnyourankle @floralhoran

If there’s one thing Louis won’t stand for it’s being replaced as his nieces’ favourite uncle.

Especially by some bloke they met barely hours into their holiday in Portugal who’s not even related to them.

**This is very short and very sweet!! Like super sweet!!!


Packed Lunches, Sticky Fingers and Accidental Levitation by LadyLondonderry @londonfoginacup

Harry Styles is a skilled work-from-home potionist five years out of university with a steady job, a house, and… eight kids.

He also might be heading towards a breakdown if he doesn’t get a bit of help.

Enter a meddling pixie and an old university friend he might or might not have had a lot of feelings for.

**This is the fluffiest fic I have read most recently. It is endearing with a very unique setting!! 


Runaway Land by daggerinrose (WIP)

Louis is sure he’s stumbled upon a secret, underground nightclub, though that is far from the truth. He’s also pretty sure he’s stumbled upon Apollo, which… isn’t very far from the truth, actually.

Modern Greek mythology AU

**Again, a very unique fic. It is quite intense, and thrilling. Go give it a read!!


All is fair in love and war by weddingbells @babygotstyles

The Nanny AU in which Louis is the sassy gay Nanny-by-accident taking care of the kids of movie director Harry Styles. Also there’s Liam as the butler, Niall as Louis’ best friend, Zayn as the model/actor and Nick as Harry’s partner from work that maybe wants a bit more from Harry than cooperation.

**This is hilarious, Also, Nick is a dick. So, you know, a warning…


That’s How I Know by allwaswell16  @allwaswell16

Louis Tomlinson has just landed his dream job, coaching soccer at Augustus University. When he moves into a new house near campus, he meets his very fit new neighbor, English professor Harry Styles. Although their first meeting leads to an instant mutual dislike, the more Harry gets to know Louis, the more he likes what he sees.

Or the one where Harry’s African grey parrot spills his dirty secrets to his very hot neighbor.

**This one was so good, guys. You will fall in love with Darcy, the parrot. And it got me looking into parrots and stuff. They are awesome!! But read this fic first!!! I am also quite curious about the writer. I really liked their writing style and would love to read more of their works!! 


The Fairy Ring by thedeathchamber @louehvolution

Harry has dreamed of a world outside the tiny village of Holmes Chapel for as long as he can remember… a world full of magic and adventure and true love.
It was nothing but a childhood dream, however, until an old family friend comes bearing word of a plot against Harry’s life and a very dangerous truth: Harry is the rightful heir to the crown and must embark on a perilous quest to reclaim his throne from the ruthless would-be King Simon.
But in the end Harry will find himself fighting for more than a crown, and on the verge of losing something much more precious than his sovereign power.
Because magic might be real, but life is not a fairy tale, and Harry is a prince up against a very big dragon.

Or: a medieval fantasy AU in which Harry is a prince in disguise and Louis is the king of the faeries.

**A fantasy au!! Very interesting read!!


The Sweetest Incantation by smittenwithlouis @smittenwithlouis

Harry has been alive for decades, and yet he’s never been as confused and dumbfounded. He’s a witch, for God’s sake. Can’t get much weirder than all the magical things he’s experienced throughout his lifetime. Never in a million years, however, would he have expected to be mere inches away from a hybrid.

Or: Harry is a witch who’s still working on developing his powers and Louis is a werecat who falls into his life and turns it upside down.

**I LOVED THIS FIC!!! I LOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS FIC!! i WOULD GIVE MY LIFE FOR THIS FIC!! I mean, KittenHybrid!Louis, Witch!Harry, Matchmaker!Steve!!! What else do you need?!?! Go read this, right now!!

Seasoned Mom to New Mom

As a new parent there are things you won’t think of, this is what this list is for. The seasoned mother helping a new mom.

1. When your due date is near wash your sheets and blankets in Dreft. This way if you lie your baby on your bed they won’t get a rash from your detergent

2. Purchase a body pillow. The larger you become the more difficult it will become to sleep. Body pillows are great for propping up the belly.

3. Purchase overnight or large maxi pads. After birth for about a week or two you will bleed heavily. The hospital will provide you with pads but you will need more. Also during this time you are not allowed to use tampons.

4. Purchase a small container of baby formula. I support breast feeding 100% but some mothers have trouble (I did). If you find yourself in this position making the baby wait will only make you feel worse. Having a small container on hand is much easier for baby and mom.  

5. Pacifiers are very controversial. In the hospital your baby will be given a pacifier to soothe them. Don’t purchase 1 type of pacifier. Purchase a few different types because your baby may prefer one over the other.

6. When your due date is near go grocery shopping. There’s nothing worse than arriving home from the hospital and your fridge is empty. You will also have to eat a tremendous amount of food to maintain your breastmilk.

7. When researching breast pumps don’t forget to research breastmilk storage. The breast pump you select will typically have a storage system. I suggest purchasing that one, if you trust the pump why not the storage right?!

8. When purchasing baby wipes go for the sensitive wipes. You never know if baby will have sensitive skin. Better safe than sorry.

9. Do not purchase newborn clothing. Your baby will continue to grow but they will not get smaller. Instruct people to purchase bigger sized items to ensure baby will have clothing in the future. You can buy the smaller clothing that way you can make sure all those clothes are washed and put away before baby arrives.

10. Do NOT microwave baby bottles, baby formula/breast milk or anything to do with baby. Most labels will tell you the same thing. Go old school and boil water in a pot and warm baby’s bottle that way.

11. In the nursery you should have a comfy place for you. You will spend lots of time in that room, being comfortable is important after childbirth.

12. Don’t save projects for after baby arrives. You have no idea how your body will respond to childbirth and you will be extremely sleep deprived. Trust me it won’t get done.

13. Plan for baby’s first outing which will be the first shots. That happens after baby is a few days old. If you happen to have a c-section you won’t be able to drive so plan for someone to drive you to the baby’s doctor. Even if you have a vaginal birth having someone with you is a good idea.

14. Make time to pump. Pumping along with baby’s normal mealtime will allow you to prepare for returning to work. I suggest an electronic pump, your time is so valuable who wants to spend it pumping?!

15. If you have a difficult delivery or a c-section you may want to consider moving the crib into your room. That way you won’t have far to travel to get baby.

This is just a few of the things I didn’t think of prior to my first child. I will be adding to this list soon. If you have any suggestions or additions please feel free!!

The Origin of the Bittle-Zimmermann Cruel Jam Empire (Another Non-NHL!Jack fic)

[Sequel to this fic]

CW: FOOD, mentions of real people

“Alright, so I got so stressed out about the exam I had today that I made a couple things of jam,” Bittle said as he swept into Jack’s apartment. He’d had his own key since Jack had gotten the place, and he abused that privilege on an almost daily basis. If it had been anyone else, Jack would have regretted living so close to campus.

“What’s ‘a couple?’” Jack asked without looking up from his laptop.

Bittle huffed and set a box down on Jack’s table with a small thud. “I plead the fifth,” he said, hand on his hip.

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