new school of defence

the first few weeks of sirius ‘lying low’ at remus’ are decently uncomfortable for them both because they can feel the weight of thirteen years apart sitting heavy between them and neither of them is sure that theyre ready to put the shattered remains of either of their hearts back on the line for the other yet

until eventually theyre sitting on remus’ worn old loveseat in front of the muggle television which is so broken the sound barely works and remus just leans into sirius and murmurs ‘i never stopped loving you, you know’

and sirius looks back at him and whispers ‘i did’

and theres so much hurt and loss in remus’ eyes and it looks like defeat, too, like he truly believes sirius could ever get over him of his own accord and that he doesnt deserve this that sirius feels the explanation spilling from his lips without any input from his brain

about how the dementors slowly took everything from him, how he felt peter and lily and james fade from his heart, all that fierce love and pain of grief disappearing until there was only numbness, and then remus started to fade too, how he forgot the shadows under remus’ eyes and the crooked hitch of his mouth when he smiled and everyone that mattered to him became shadows and greyness 

and how when he finally got out there was only room in his soul for the fire that the discovery of peters whereabouts had lit in him and the lingering numbness touched the rest of him and everything else was still background noise

until he happened across an old daily prophet in a gutter in hogsmeade and caught sight of a short 10 line article starting ‘hogwarts school hires new defence teacher, remus lupin-’

and just the mention of the name was like a punch in the gut because he’d forgotten, how could he fucking forget, how could he ever-

and he’d barely made it back to the shrieking shack before he was shuddering back into human form and shaking, curled into a ball on the dusty floor, the only word in his mind remus remus remus

‘and it hurt, remus, it was like i was burning, i hadnt felt anything in twelve years and all of a sudden there was you and i fuckign loved you all over again loved you in every inch of my wretched body and i couldnt believe i ever forgot i cant believe they took that from me but i swear to fucking merlin remus i cant let anything take you from me again i wont let it– you’re in my fucking bones, moony . i could be numb with cold and not feel it but youre still there and i love you. i cant believe i could ever have stopped’