i think the most messed up part about it all is how you still linger even though you left. i’m beginning to find myself unable to even talk to new people without stopping and remembering that they’re not you. like the laughter dies and bubbles deep in my stomach, my tongue curls back and i retreat, closed mouth, eyes lowered. and i know that confuses people when i suddenly become distant, but, yeah, i still can’t enjoy myself or others anymore and dive into new friendships because i know i will never reach that same level of intimacy that i did with you. and that’s partly because there’s no one in the world that’s going to take your place, and that’s partly because you took advantage of my trust and generosity and now i can’t ever pour my entirety into any relationship anymore for fear it’ll be too much for them like it was too much for you. too much and too ugly. you said it would be better if you would leave, so why are you still here in everything i do?
— god, you said this would be the last time i’d hear from you, but i should have known that you wouldn’t suddenly stop lying now