Bergen County, New Jersey
Every once in a while, I discover an extraordinarily special place. And by special I mean hideous. Bergen County, New Jersey is that place. This will not be the first, nor the last time this county will show up on this blog, as its houses and I have a long working relationship ahead of us.
So where to start? I used this house as an example in another post before (can’t remember which one) but I knew from the first time I saw it, that I needed to dive deeper.
Man, where to start. First of all, the exterior of this house appears to be screaming in two different ways: either the two dormers, or the two “sidelight” windows are the eyes, with the door being the agape mouth. With the absurd windows on the front facade, the silly fake quoins, and the pseudo-Palladian elements scattered all over the place, I have a feeling this place is going to go down in McMansionHell history as a Certified Dank™ Legend.
This house (built in 1988 as we will all soon see) has seven bedrooms and six bathrooms, and is currently retailing for almost 3.5 million dollars.
By far, my favorite McMansions are the ones that are like time capsules. You open the obnoxiously large front door and step into the obnoxiously large entryway and are instantly transported into another era.
In this case, that era is 1988.
My favorite part about the 80s was how they axed all of the environmental reforms made in the 70s while simultaneously obsessing over having as many house plants as possible.
Living Room (1 of 2)
At least piano makers are thankful that their art is being funded by those who buy large instruments as symbols of wealth.
Fake book subjects commonly include:
- Classic Literature
Dining Room (1 of 2)
Seriously I don’t think you guys are prepared for what you’re about to see.
This has to be one of the best worst vintage 80s rooms I’ve ever seen.
Dining Room (2 of 2)
Those poor plants, working like slaves for the man.
Who thought that orange was a remotely good idea?? Spoilers: it was probs HGTV.
Living Room (2 of 2)
Luckily for the homeowner, many elements from this room (the furniture and wall color) are coming back in style again, as dark green is all the rage this year apparently.
Master Suite (Part 1)
Shocked that the drapes don’t have the same pattern as the wallpaper.
Master Suite (Part 2)
P sure the hyper-femininity of the 80s and early 90s were what led to the creation of the ManCave during the dawn of the 21st century.
This bathroom almost looks like it came out of a Robert A.M. Stern coffee table book from the late 80s. Whoever did this interior was a licensed interior designer. I’m pretty sure those vanities are custom.
On to the last room of our tour! (Somehow there weren’t pictures of the other 6 bedrooms or the other 5 baths…)
Seriously the mirrored door is hella choice.
Fortunately, our tour ends on a positive note this week, as the rear of this house actually makes some architectural sense:
Well folks, I hope you enjoyed that tour as much as I did. I love these time capsule houses - you can learn a lot from studying the design trends of the past; most notably, when they’re coming back.
Stay tuned for this Sunday’s special post, McMansionHell from A to Z (Part Two) and, of course, next week’s dank McMansion!
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Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.