sometimes i’m not okay. today’s that day for me. and that's okay. i’m exhausted. there’s nothing wrong with that. i’m tired of giving away my heart constantly and receiving things in return that are conditional. i’m tired of being a victim. i’m tired of never being loved the same in return. everyday is a process for me. i’m trying to be more understanding. i’m trying to be more open to the reality that not everyone is going to love me back. and that’s okay. it’s nothing personal. some people just don’t know any better. some people just don’t even know what it means to love with no boundaries. with no limitations. with no expectations. with no requirements. everyday i wonder.. do i require too much? do i expect too much? everyday i’m still learning what it means to “love”.
to the doormat in me; you have the right to say no. never apologize for your decisions— explain yourself only at your discretion. never feel pressured to defend your choices. you do not need a reason to put you first. let your favors be in love and come from your overflow. do not starve yourself to feed others out of fear of loneliness. serve you everyday. say “no” today. say it again. don’t waste time trying to figure out who feels what about you. you have the right to be the only person you live for. free up your time that was once full of commitments that didn’t honor you. the kind of love worth a favor is counterfeit. do not become bitter when you see the love you gave was not returned to you. continue to love with discernment. you have the right to boundaries that only abide by you, and cause no harm to others. make it a mantra for others to follow. fall in love with having a voice. now fall in love with hearing your voice. become your favorite sound. you have the right to love that won’t exploit you. there are people who are okay with you living for yourself. the love you seek flows freely within you. you have the right to please you. do what makes you smile.
you have the right to relationships with those that you won’t ask you to pay with your life to love them.
your love belongs where it’s appreciated most, not with the highest bidder.
to the manipulator in me; you have the right to engage in confrontations. you do not always have to concede to psychological warfare. allow people to know your wants, needs and desires in its most natural form— tell them. you do not have to live avoiding altercations. let that nervous feeling in the pit of your stomach be a reminder of your release from feeling undeserving. you have the right to ask for what you want directly, confidently. you do not have to plant seeds, use power of suggestion, and create dramatic scenes acting out roles of victim & damsel to access the affection you long for. you have the right to be honest with yourself. you have a duty to remind people how you prefer to be loved. you have a duty to know what to tell people because you know yourself. you have a right to authenticity, and a life void of ulterior motives. you can be yourself and still receive what you need. you will never have to deceive, extort, or exploit others for your needs again because you know there is enough for you. you have the right to ask for more from others. you don’t have accept everything that is given. you have the right to be vulnerable. you have a right to be safe.
to the ugliest parts of me; you have the right to believe beautiful. you deserve to be showered with compliments. accept every kind word you receive without a counter argument. do not second-guess celebrations of yourself. bask in your moments of worship. you are glorious. we will never experience the unique frequency that is you, again. honor your rare existence. you are precious to me. be the best you there is. walk upright, and have compassion stored for the days that you don’t. you have the right to forgive yourself. the love you demand does not rely on successes and failures but on inherent self-worth. you are allowed to be imperfect, and you are allowed to receive love while imperfect. be proud of your work. there is healing in every mistake you made. they have a right to be seen so they can touch others. you are a picture best when complete. find beauty in your own right. join hands with the rest of your existence. i am not complete without you.
I’m in love with New York. It matches my mood. I’m not overwhelmed. It is the suitable scene for my ever ever heightened life. I love the proportions, the amplitude, the brilliance, the polish, the solidity. I look up at Radio City insolently and love it. It’s all great, and Babylonian. Broadway at night. Cellophane. The newness. The vitality. True, it is only physical. But it’s inspiring. Just bring your own contents, and you create a sparkle of the highest power. I’m not moved, not speechless. I stand straight, tough and I meet the impact. I feel the glow and the dancing in everything. The radio music in the taxis, scientific magic, which can all be used lyrically. That’s my last word. Give New York to a poet. He can use it. It can be poetized. Or maybe that’s mania of mine, to poetize. I live lightly, smoothly, actively, ears or eyes wide open, alert, oiled! I feel the glow and the dancing in every thing and the tempo is like that of my blood. I’m at once beyond, over and in New York, tasting it fully.
sometimes your heart will hurt. sometimes your smile will ache. sometimes your light will dim. sometimes your spirit will break. sometimes your entire world will come crashing down with no warning, and no signs.. but no matter how destroyed you feel - you have to be willing to dig deep inside of yourself to find some ambition to get you back right. you have to look out for you. you have to let go. you have to place your focus primarily on YOU. nothing about losing what’s familiar feels good.. but uncomfortable places can be beautiful. growth is beautiful. you are beautiful. you shouldn’t have to wait around and pray for someone to love you. you should love you. you should let go - because nothing worth holding onto will ever destroy you. and holding on is destroying you. trying to love someone into loving you - is destroying you. let go because you have to get a hold of you. you have to retrace your steps and figure out where you let YOU go. you have to take time to yourself to reflect on when and where you lost yourself. you have to let go of what no longer is - and accept what may have never been.. then you have to pick yourself back up. you have to release any negativity clouding your mind and you have to rid yourself of hopeful feelings. cleanse your soul. listen to your intuition. learn yourself. let go of any bad habits you’ve picked up along your journey. and start over. no matter how bad or how much it hurts.. let go and start over. holding on is destroying you.