never-loved-me

2

I love my life… I’m not trying to escape. I promise.

I told him, “Anybody can make a good speech”

He responded with, “What do you mean?”

“Take him for example,” I say pointing at someone I’ve never had a conversation with in my life, “I could look at you and tell you how much I love him. I could tell you how much I love hearing the sound of his laugh, I could tell you how much I love that jaw clenching thing he does when we I say something playing around, I could tell you how much I love the way his smile expands a little bit more on the left side of his face, I could tell you how much I love the way his eyes light up or how I can get lost in the melody of his voice. I don’t know him and I can make you believe I love him. Anybody can make a speech and that’s why I don’t believe you when you say you love me.”

—  8:17 PM
2
pet names to call commander lexa- a guide by clarke griffin

• lexa - let’s be honest. my voice is husky as fuck. i know lexa loves the way i say her name, anyway.
• commander - only in public. or in our bedroom. lexa’s not fussy. (neither am i)
• heda - she seems to like this when we’re in bed together. i’m not even ashamed. i like it, too. a lot.
• lexa kom trikru - anything i say in trigedasleng immediately turns her on. i know it. her pupils tell me as much. stop peeking over my shoulder, raven.
• buttercup - what the fuck? lincoln, tell your girlfriend to stay out of my business, okay? this is private information. lexa wouldn’t be caught dead responding to this.
• commander raccoon - ha. i get it raven, that’s funny. must be the warpaint, right? yeah, yeah, laugh it up. i think it suits her. she looks sexy in black. yeah, that’s right, limp away.
• commander hearteyes - well, i mean– that’s not– she doesn’t have– mom?! you’re in on this?! stop laughing at me, this isn’t funny! no, i’m not blushing, it’s just– no, i can’t see it, she looks at me like– no, mother, i don’t ‘encourage her’, it’s just her face– yes, mother, she knows you don’t like her– i– alright, mom, i get it, she’s head over heels. now stop laughing please. and get out!
• alexandria - indra, i don’t think she’d like me calling her by her *full* name. i just don’t think she’d appreciate it, i called her ‘alexa’ once and she almost had an aneurysm– okay, yeah, that’s an exaggerati– fine, she didn’t, she– yeah i know you saw us talking about– no, she didn’t take me to bed after, i– indra, she’s your commander! this is personal! yeah, she is good in bed, but don’t tell– mom! hey! didn’t know you were still here! especially when i told you to leave. please don’t kill her, mom.
• babe - fuck what people think. lexa’s my babe and i’m hers- even if she won’t admit it.
• sweetie - who the fuck wrote this? raven? octavia? who wrote it? will no one tell me? you guys know i’m dating the commander, right? you know, the leader of thirteen clans? ruler of everyone? that commander? yes– fine, alright– i call her sweetie! big deal! she loves it! i only say it to her in the mornings, anyway. before either of us get up. so ha! 
• lex - i think i’m the only person in the entire world that’s allowed to call lexa by a shortened version of her name. shut up, raven, i’m not whipped and neither is she okay, she just– octavia! you too?! she’s not whipped, she just– indra, don’t encourage them! who’s side are you on?! guys! she’s not whipped, i swear, she’s just—well—just– i hate you all.
• daddy - i don’t think lexa actually understand what this means, raven. but if you must know, i’ve taken it upon myself to teach her the meaning. in various positions. ways. methods. techniques. with helpful tips. and guides. and scenarios. and toys. indra, why are you leaving? for the love of god; come back. no– no, don’t tell everyone! no, indra!
• murderer - who the fuck let you in my tent, pike? asshole. titus, please get guards to kindly escort this shit out of here. 
• asshole - honestly, i didn’t think grounders appreciated dirty talk. boy, was i wrong. is it the same for you guys? lincoln? octavia? guys?
• bitch - titus, not that dirty! that’s going too far! it was one time, and i was angry with her, and i just– all is forgiven, okay? she should know that, with the number of times i’ve eaten her ou– mom! you’re still here? could you maybe pretend you didn’t hear that last part? no, no, i don’t want to hear about you and kane, just-
• gal pal - you wish, bellamy. in your dreams.
• sexy lexi - raven, i thought we were never ever ever ever ever ever going to discuss that again? i had too much to drink, okay? i’m never trusting you to be around me when i’m under the influence of alcohol ever again.
• my love, my sweetheart, the prettiest pretty my eyes have ever seen - okay, ha-ha. I DIDN’T KNOW THEY WERE HALLUCINOGENIC MUSHROOMS, OKAY?! come on, guys, who spilled? lincoln? it was you?! come on! you tricked me! monty was just as high and you know it!
• wifey for lifey - i. was. drunk. we aren’t even married. yet. 
• handmaiden - oh my god, raven. stop.
• god - definitely one of lexa’s favorites. especially when i scream it. mostly when she stretches and curls those long, slender fingers– jesus, raven, are you copying this down? that’s fucking sick. oh, and sorry, mom, but it’s your fault you decided to stay in here. just cover your ears, or something.

Can you hear the sound?
I can see you both happily gazing into the eyes of one another.
Can you hear the sound?
You laugh and you joke and you love and you hope.
Can you hear the sound?
I’m looking at you looking at her, wishing I was the one you cared for.
Can you hear the sound?
Deep down I know it’s selfish to want you to myself but when I’m with you I feel safe and warm.
Can you hear the sound?
It gets louder every time I see you kiss her lips.
Can you hear the sound?
It reaches a crescendo every time you whisper those three words.
Can you hear the sound?
Yes, the sound of my heart shattering into a million tiny pieces everyday and every minute I realise you’ll never love me like you love her.
—  E.B // is it selfish that I wish I was her?
They say everyone has flaws. But the sad thing is, the only flaw you have- is me.
—  S.W./ Excerpt From a Book I’ll Never Write #18
What if you never love me back the way I wish you would…
And all of these years just go to waste.
I’ll inevitably be left with nothing, and heartbreak will plague me again.
Just like when you found me.
I don’t know if I could survive that…
—  letters to no one || t.d.

that feeling when your personality just completely clicks with another person’s
and you’re so alike and you understand each other so well
but you’re also so different and your personalities just make each other better and it’s so much fun and so interesting
and you’re just so in sync
and you communicate so well
and you can laugh a lot together but you can also be very serious, and you can keep the right balance between those two things
and you just want to be with that person and talk to them for hours and hours and you feel like no matter what they’re talking about it would still be interesting because that person is just so interesting to you
and you also feel like the other person actually cares about you and the things you say
and like you can completely 100% just be yourself and not have to worry about anything and all your insecurities just disappear
god I love that feeling

Be gentle with me. Cup my heart between your hands and keep my mind nestled in your chest. Pile my bones across your skin and keep them still and let them rest. Lift me softly and carry me to bed, draping the covers softly over my skin. Don’t engage me in mind games; I am too fragile. Don’t take away the sparkling stars that fill my eyes; don’t remove the galaxies that fill my veins. Don’t make me feel worthless or anxious or insecure. Protect me from my deepest fears and cradle my being as we sleep. Be gentle with me, because the art I have inside me will eventually fade. Do not let it be because of you.
—  that’s unforgivable (the things I would tell you // TRM)
8:17pm// have you ever been a serious relationship before
8:25pm//I dated someone like a year & a half ago & after we broke up we talked on & off until a few months ago, like I was serious about him but the feelings weren’t mutual- I wouldn’t call that relationship or anyone I’ve talked to having been “serious”
8:46pm// like did you fall in love or?
/// no response… But she knew that she did and still is in love with him that’s why she can’t talk to this new boy.
—  She still can’t talk about him with out being upset