never will have a boyfriend

Alone: A Theo Raeken Imagine

Request from Anon: I would like to request “alone” if that’s okay 👀

So, here’s this one! (N. B. I do not condone cheating in any way at all, just to clarify). I hope it’s okay for you lovely, enjoy x 

Said he tried to phone me
But I never have time

Y/N had two main men in her life; her boyfriend being one of them. The other one was the man she loved, Theo Raeken. He was the reason she was never to join him on dates at the weekend, the reason she almost always missed the phone calls from him. 

“I called you at the weekend.”

“Oh, sorry. Had too much work to do.”

It was then that she’d look up to see Theo smirking at her from across the cafeteria, knowing he’d heard the whole conversation. She’d smile at him, a glint in her eyes that drove him insane. 

So, they’d be seeing each other again tonight then?

He said that I never listen
But I don’t even try

“You’re not listening to me, are you?”

“Hmm,” Y/N replied as she nuzzled into Theo’s neck, placing kisses over every inch of skin that she could get to. She was far too engrossed in his body to pay attention to his mind. 

The chimera looked down at the naked girl draped across him. She was like some sort of goddess, put on this earth just for him. But she wasn’t just for him; she was for him too. 

Jealousy was a strong word. Hatred an even stronger one. But the strongest of words was not aimed at her boyfriend, it was aimed at her. 


I got a new place in Cali but I’m gone every night
So I fill it with strangers so they keep ‘em alive

“You are coming tonight, right? House party, remember?”, Y/N’s boyfriend was by her shoulder, placing a chaste kiss on her cheek after speaking. 

“Of course, how could I forget?”

She pretended she was excited, for his sake. But, in truth, she had planned on cancelling and just calling Theo over. She needed a distraction from high school life, and he served as the perfect solution. 

But that would have to wait. 

She showed up at the party that night, expecting another dull night where she pretended to like the people that she had to deal with. 

She hadn’t quite expected to find her boyfriend talking with Theo Raeken.

She said she told you she knows me
But the face isn’t right
She asked if I recognized her and I told her I might

He saw her when she walked in, the look of complete shock on her face when she saw him making him smirk. 

She probably thought that he was spilling her secrets. Well, why shouldn’t he? He was tired of being second best, tired of being her distraction, tired of being with her but feeling so alone. 

“Hey, Y/N. This is Theo. Theo, this is my girlfriend.”

She adopted a smile so fake that it made Theo sick. As much as he was angry at her, he hated seeing her having to be someone she wasn’t. Someone she hated. 

“I think we have Biology together, right?”

“Right, yeah I think so.”

See, everywhere I go I got a million different people tryna’ kick it
But I’m still alone in my mind

Another half an hour passed before Y/N finally got to speak to Theo alone. 

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“Last I checked, Princess, it was an open house.”

“You know what I mean.”

People swarmed around them, all of them probably too drunk to think anything of the conversation that was happening between the two lovers. This was what parties were to Y/N; people who needed an excuse to have company, after spending too much time inside their own heads. 

It wasn’t long before the conversation got heated.

I know you’re dying to meet me
But I can just tell you this

“Are you going to tell him? You know, about us?”

Theo sneered; it was just like her to assume the worst about him. Why should she be different from anyone else? He hated that she felt that way, knowing that really she was just as damaged as he was. 

“Why would I do that? Wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings now, would I?”

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I’m tired, Y/N. I’m tired of being your distraction, your second choice. I’m tired of watching you with him, knowing that all I am is your dirty little secret. I want more with you, okay?”, it was perhaps the first time in his life, Theo Raeken had ever felt as if he was begging to be with someone. Normally, he was on the receiving end of that. 

He sighed. It was now or never. 

“I love you.”

Baby, as soon as you meet me
You’ll wish that you never did 

That night was the beginning of something almost miraculous between Y/N and Theo. A year on, things had only got better. 

Of course, on hearing those words, Y/N had broken up with her boyfriend who claimed that he wished he’d never met her. His drunken state had turned into someone with ferocity, causing Theo to punch him in the face. 

They were happy, they really were. They had a relationship together that no-one  could compete with. 

They were in love. 

They were no longer alone. 


Hopeless Fountain Kingdom Masterlist

anonymous asked:

I'm attracted fo lesbian porn & girls sexually but I could never see myself openly dating or doing anything that isn't sexual with a girl...I've never experimented before but I really want to try & I have a boyfriend I love ao much but it makes me feel weird. Could I be bi? I need some answers

i mean even your current attraction means you could be bi, and so does your willingness to experiment with another girl

As far as boundaries with your boyfriend go i’d say not to initiate anything outside your relationship, but know that you

are valid

and that if you wanna try out the bi label for yourself, that nobodys gonna be mad about it

best of luck to you !


#HappySehunDay 🐥🎉 [ ver. 1 / ver. 2 ]
↳ Happiest birthday to EXO’s cutest baby boy who’s simultaneously the unlikely and the obvious maknae! You are so loved, so precious, so talented and an absolute sweetheart who deserves the world, my dear. I hope you know each day of you waking up is another day of you becoming the best version of yourself; we’re already (and will always be) so proud of you. Thank you for being you and keep smiling, Oh Sehun!


“Maybe… year…..?” 

*VIPs Shooketh*

“👀👀 wha- wha- what?
Well… if I can…If I could, I will…But I can’t promise anything…I mean.. future…
Someday & somewhere definitely we’ll meet again. 
Please don’t forget me again 🙏” 

I wonder if you talk about me when girls ask if you’ve been in love before

One time I was playing the sims and I wanted to make me and mike but I wanted to make us separately and have us meet. But when I moved into my house, I had this sexy ass neighbor. I figured I could have a fling with him and break it off and get with Mike later but then the neighbors kid got attached to me and I couldn’t just end it when I was so close to his daughter. I really cared about him too.

So the only thing I could do was have it end in tragedy. That way I wouldn’t have to break up with the guy and I could adopt his daughter to stay close to her. He passed away peacefully on fire in the kitchen. Now in previous games, when a kid is taken away by CPS, the next kid you adopt is the same kid. Welp that didn’t carry over into sims 4 so the daughter ended up being taken away and erased from the game by the great sims deity.

I’m a sentimental man, so I kept neighbor mans tombstone around. I’d occasionally chat with his ghost, but he seemed cold to me. I can’t help but thinking he was a bit mad his daughter no longer existed. But this escalated once I started seeing Mike. His ethereal visits became more frequent and more hostile, usually breaking my electronics or creating a mess. But he went overboard when he started the fire.

Being a sim the died in a fire, his ghost had certain abilities specific to his death (setting fires). He got pissed because I kissed Mike so he set my couch on fire that ended up barricading us in the bedroom. Now I couldn’t find the fire alarm in buy mode and I hadn’t had the foresight to predict my spiteful ghost died-in-a-fire ex boyfriend would be an afterlife arsonist to care about it that much so a lot of the house had burned by the time I could get the FD there.

After having almost nothing covered by insurance (thanks Obama), Mike sat me down to have a talk with me. While I couldn’t understand him, I imagine he said “What the fuck you need to deal with your crazy ass ex boyfriend ghost. This never would have happened if you weren’t a thirst little sim bitch and dated me first.”

I approached the grave. It was time to release him. He was waiting for me. He knew this was the end. That after this, there was no coming back from the afterlife. I know he tried to kill me, and he knows I got his daughter deleted, but at that moment, it was just like old times. Telling each other jokes 27 times in a row until he would have sex with me.

We had a final ghostly embrace and he was gone. I sold his tombstone for 300 bucks and bought a microwave.

anonymous asked:

How do you think Rire would react to meeting Lawrence?

Maybe Law just wants someone to actually comment on and enjoy his tea none of this AAAAAA YOU DRUGGED ME business :d

Rire probably can’t say much about Law’s personality but his tea is all kinds of interesting.


logan/veronica bookends | 3.01/3.20

First things first: we actually do know what elves called their dicks, because even the glorious JRRT couldn’t keep his hands out of his pants. The poetic term (yes, elves seem to have engaged in erotic poetry) would be
gwî, but for everyday usage
gwib was the preferred term.
Puntl is provided as the coarse, moderately transgressive term, and likely what you would be invited to suck if you went down on a male elf. Alas, due to the ban on the Noldorin language, we have no surviving slang for Fëanor’s johnson.

Second, if we assume that JRRT’s intention is the guiding light for inferred details of the history and function of Arda, we are left with several clues as to the genital features of elves. In early drafts of the Silmarillion and pre-LotR writings that would eventually give rise to the War of the Ring, JRRT called them “gnomes” rather than “elves,” a detail that reflects his internal monologue about them and is consistent with his para-LotR writings about them, including mutilations, betrayals, incest, genocide, colonial violence, and misotheistic rebellion. His mental image during the construction of Ardan history was almost certainly closer to the Rankin-Bass imagery than the Peter Jackson interpretation. Thus we are left to interpret the idea of gnomes– a Paracelsean ideology tied closely to alchemy– and of their Germanic and Norse equivalents, nature and household spirits that include classic Germanic dweorgs (that is, dwarves) but with the added qualification of tallness as a common indicator of worthiness.

I discern here between dwarf-figures of Greek and British mythology, which tend to be lusty, massively endowed pranksters, and gnomes/dweorgs, which are rarely cast in a sexual light. Some textual support could be interpreted for the influence of Pan on the elves, given that Silvan elves (and their Rivendell cousins) are singing, dancing, merry-making, traveler-harassing figures throughout the books. If we adhere to this interpretation, elves are probably packing huge veiny wangs that could put your fucking eye out while you’re trying to slip em the suck.

I feel that it is, however, more likely that JRRT would have viewed his elves as more romantic and less sexual. Certainly they reproduce at an exceedingly slow rate and for an incredibly small window of their adult lives. A Panic elf would be extremely unlikely to live for two thousand or more years and sire no more than three or four offspring. For this reason, we are most likely dealing with the less overt sexual characteristics of a Paracelsean elf, which rules out giant Priapus-style horse cocks that are eternally bone-ready, but leaves us with less to go on than we might need, if we’re gonna pour a giant silicone elf dick.

Ah, but now we’ve alluded to reproductive evidence of elvish sexual activity, and down this road we find some very interesting possibilities. For one thing, the gnomes of Paracelsus were closely related to the concept of the homunculus, and tended to be sexless or at most secondary-masculine (think garden gnomes). We can assume, in combination with the romantic, Victorianistic leanings of JRRT, that male elves were not afflicted with unwanted boners, and found it fairly simple to reserve their sexual activity to intramarital intercourse. Additionally, in the extracurricular writing Laws and Customs of the Elves (LACE henceforth), we find some fascinating aspects of elvish sexuality laid bare. Elves are incapable, it seems, of adultery, which actually
kills them. They are also heavily implied to be incapable of masturbation, and are explicitly hesitant to remarry after the death of a spouse, which carries over into the Silmarillion, when Fëanor’s father seeks permission from the spirit of his mother (who has died in childbirth) to remarry. Clearly, something about their physiology and/or psychology is not compatible in any way with promiscuity, and the consequences of promiscuity can be literally fatal.

The lethality of sex can, I feel, be best comprehended as an immune function similar to rH incompatibility between mother and fetus. It would, from an evolutionary standpoint, benefit a male elf (
ellyn) to be certain that his offspring are actually his own, since their gestation and childhood are protracted and may consume a great deal of resources. This may have resulted in a gradual evolutionary arms race, in which an ellyn might conjugate not only his genetic material but also a dose of antibodies and/or chimeric B-cells, which are keyed to attack all sperm without his specific antigen set. In return, the female elf (or
elleth) might perhaps develop her own antibody/B-cell dosage, but this begs the question of how to confer them to the male, since transmission of microbes from vagina to penis is much less reliable than the inverse. I am getting a horrible idea and I will refer back to this concept in a moment.

So assuming that extramarital sex results in autoimmune-induced death similar to anaphylaxis in mechanism, we ask ourselves: what about the other compelling aspect of elvish sexuality, that of interbreeding with humans? Leaving out the question of DNA compatibility– which is demonstrated in canon, and which we must accept as legitimate if we are to consider this topic at all– we have a disturbing question to address. We have multiple incidents throughout the history of Beleriand and Middle-Earth of elven/human offspring,
all of which occur between a Man and an elleth. Given that the two species are capable of creating not only hybrids but
fertile hybrids (Elrond produced three offspring), it is foolish to imagine that in all of Ardan history there was never a potential ellyn-woman romance that resulted in offspring, unless there was something preventing reproduction between ellyn and woman that did not exist between man and elleth. The safest bet is not that all ellyn-woman romances remained chaste– anyone who’s met a teenager can tell you better than that– but that ellyn-woman sexual activity is
incapable of producing offspring.

This is extremely unusual, as the most obvious reason for sex-discriminant infertility is more likely to favor female humans than male humans. Human ova contain mitochondria, while human sperm consume their mitochondrial power for motility and do not confer mitochondrial DNA to their offspring. Either something is happening on an immune/cellular level, which would seem to conflict with our immunological theory of lethal adultery, or something is happening on the mechanical level– something which is, perhaps, related to the transference of female immune material to the male partner.

Perhaps, to put it crudely, the
ellyn just can’t get it up.

In humans, the penis consists of several structures of erectile tissue which cradle the urethra between them. This specialized tissue is capable of interrupting venous return, creating penile engorgement and thus erection by trapping blood within the corpus cavernosum. This tissue is
notoriously indiscriminant about stimuli, making it easy for male humans to ejaculate without even the participation of another human. Elves, on the other hand, can’t even masturbate, an activity so universal among species with external genitalia that it’s almost unimaginable for a species capable of poetry to be incapable of wanking. And yet human males can couple with elven females. This implies some weird-ass shit, so I suggest you pour yourself that drink right now.

Male elves achieve erection by external constriction. To have sex, they need some biological equivalent of a cock ring. Whether their penises are “innies” or just flaccid except during intercourse, they are incapable of restricting venous return on their own… and yet the elven vulva must be compatible to some degree with penetration, or else man/elleth coupling wouldn’t produce offspring. One may, if one is willing to consider extreme possibilities, entertain the idea that the elven vulva may exhibit some mechanical trait that assists the ellyn in achieving erection by constriction, by restricting venous return through strangulation.

Something that would not put off human males universally, although it might make man/elleth couplings more rare and account for the relative scarcity of elf/human offspring.

Something that would make it impossible for an ellyn to penetrate a woman, or to achieve orgasm and ejaculation with a human female.

Something that would even allow the ellyn to contribute internal disposition of antibodies and B-cells reliably, potentially through urethral penetration
of the penis.

The elvish vulva, my friends, consists of outer labia, inner labia, a vaginal vestibule opening on a penetrable vaginal canal,
and a set of tentacles.

In elven intercourse, the vulval tentacles constrict and penetrate the flaccid penis, simultaneously permitting/inducing erection and depositing immune bodies deep in the genitourinary tract, most likely the bladder, where they can swim up the ureters to the renal anastomosis and infiltrate the bloodstream. The erect elvish penis is then able to deposit its genetic– and immune– material within the vagina. Human females, having no corollary to these tentacles, can arouse a male elf and even engage in non-PIV sexual activity, but can never obtain genetic material from male elves, and therefore no ellyn/woman pregnancies occur.

For human females, this means you can have a hot elf boyfriend that can never get you pregnant, but he’s likely to leave you eventually for somebody who can actually get him off. Male elves probably got the fuck
around in Middle-Earth, since they could chow down on human pussy for decades before settling down with a nice elleth who would get knocked up as soon as they exchanged fluids.

For human males, this means that you’re totally capable of landing a hot lady elf, as long as you don’t mind her tentacles crawling up your dick every time you shark her in the ass while she’s asleep, and as long as you don’t mind that she can
totally cheat on you and in fact might have chosen to fuck you specifically because she can screw around behind your back without breaking out in a fatal case of hives.

Aragorn was one kinky-ass fucker.

And if you read all the way through this drunken, giggling spiel, the silicone elf dick you’re looking for is of normal to generous proportion, but it’s strangled up and down with simulated tentacles, or at least constricted by a really tight cock ring.

I thought way the fuck too much about this. I consulted the LACE about this. Fuck every last one of you for goading me into this nightmare of grisly overanalytic humiliation. I hope all your girlfriends catch you.

—  SomethingAwful poster “elise the great”, in the “Ask me about making horrific silicone fantasy dildos!” thread