I never thought a person could be “too much”. I always had worry about not being enough, but it never ever crossed my mind that I could ever be too much for a person.
That was until I met you.
I always thought I wasn’t enough but I think with you, I was too much.
I felt things in intensity.
When I loved, it wasn’t flowers and love letters but it was gardens and books filled with pages and pages of scribbled love notes that all smelt like roses.
When I was happy it wasn’t smiles and upbeat songs, but it was screaming lyrics at the top of my lungs and laughing until I could barely breathe.
and that all sounds like fun, and it was good in the beginning but the thing about feeling things too intensely is, the bad stuff hits so much harder.
when I was sad, it wasn’t sad songs and eating 10 bowls of ice cream, it was not sleeping for days but not leaving my bed for days either, it was blood and blood and blood and hospital beds and gowns that were always too long for me.
And anger wasn’t a couple missed calls and rolling eyes but it was holes in the walls and bloody knuckles.
and I get why you fell in love with me, because I made everything good seem so much better, because you would give me flowers and I would turn them into gardens, because I radiated sunshine and I always was smiling a little too hard but you loved it anyways.
but I also get why you couldn’t handle it anymore, because there wasn’t just good, there was bad and although I made the good so much better, I made the bad so much worse.
I always felt a little too much, and you couldn’t handle that.
Relationships are a balance of good and bad but I am so unbalanced, I would smile for days at a time and I would cry for weeks. I didn’t know how to live in between, I still don’t know how to live in between. I don’t know how to feel properly, everything always hits me too hard and sometimes that is good but sometimes its also bad. I’m still learning how to feel properly but emotions are like wild forest fires that can’t be tamed and I’ve made peace with mine. I wish you did too.
I don’t have much to offer. I can’t take you to the best parties and I don’t know the coolest people but I’ll pick you up from those parties after you’ve had a bit too much fun and I’ll sit with you on the bathroom floor when the fun isn’t fun anymore. I care about you. I don’t have much to give but I really do care.
I remember how guilty I used to feel when I realized I wasn’t as quiet, passive, and reserved as some other girls were. I saw that the cis hetero guys around us desired girls like them so much more, almost making me resent the girls in my life who fit their ideal type as a result. I’m too assertive, loud, and bold as shit and was the same way in high school. Sometimes I was so proud of who I am, but after realizing that the qualities I had weren’t wanted by anyone, I began to feel so ashamed. Being too outspoken and unapologetic for a girl meant too “masculine”, too “aggressive”, and too much of an “angry Black girl”. I honestly never want to feel like that again, so ashamed of who I am. I can’t help who I am, but at the same time, I do worry that I’ll never find someone who isn’t afraid and trying to contain my unapologetically outspoken self. That’s an insecurity I definitely admit to having. To all the girls I resented for that bullshit, I’m sorry. Even if you didn’t even know it and still don’t today. I’m sorry.
King Scott Appreciation Week ♕ Day 5: Favourite relationships → Eleanor & Madi
“We were successful. The war we sought will soon be under way. On our terms. I was there in Nassau, and she’s there. Eleanor is there. In a position of great influence, they say, at the right hand of the governor. She is one of them now. I stood in Nassau and I realized when this war begins, it will have many different meanings, but to you this war is a civil war between two cities you held together for so long with unseen bonds. You will have people on both sides of it. You will have daughters on both sides of it.”