never stop in the middle of a ho down

Horoscopes By Gil Hizon - Week of March 21-27, 2016


ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Career wise, you’re gonna be sickening this week, hunty! It’s like a light switch has been flipped on within you and all of a sudden, you just know your shit. From intricate details to bigger picture stuff, you’re at the top of your game. Take advantage of this career orgasm, because once you’re spent, you’re gonna be laying low for a while.


TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Although you did well in last week’s team challenge, you are sooooo done with the “team” part. You have played your role and have proved to the judges that you’re a team player (they should see you in an orgy). On this upcoming challenge, you’re more in the mood to let your sweet ass shine. And if it’s a pie eating contest, these bitches better watch the fuck out!


GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Now that you’ve proven to the world that you can serve, serve, serve career face, you’re ready to make some job-related sacrifices in order to spend some more time with your close fagquaintances. But, these bitches may not readily welcome you back with open arms. There were times during your career trajectory when they felt ignored. Luckily for you, all you need to win them back is a simple explanation and a few martinis – your treat, of course!


CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Just as when you’re getting comfy with your new world, another change has been thrown into the mix, and gurl, this is a fucking biggie. This change has something to do with your future. It’ll cause you to really analyze every nook and cranny of your wishy-washy goals, forcing you to choose, once and for all, which endgame would be best for you and yours. Don’t fuck it up!


LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You’re feeling a little out of place because of the vulnerability you’ve showed others last week. Remember, showing the big, raging V-word doesn’t mean bitches will think yo ass is weak. On the contrary, bitches be grateful to finally seeing this generous, kind, compassionate side of you. In the coming weeks, the new light others see you in will provide useful for your goals.


VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You’ve always been the queen of logic and analytics, but this week, something is bubbling within yo ass and you’d best explore every nook and cranny of that hunch. Don’t be too overeager or intense with your sleuthing, because that shit may put other bitches off. Approach this gutteral inkling by opening yourself up to opportunity and luck. The stars are listening, hunty!


LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

There has been a major shake up in the relationship sector of your life, from your loved ones to your loved ones for the night. But no worries: this reshuffling is a good one. In this scenario, the more honest and truthful you are with vocalizing your feelings, the better it will be for any partnership. This week, the lines of communication has never been more open - and we all know how you like to take advantage of openings.


SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

It can be a bitch sometimes when you’re in the middle of great inspiration and some queen, called life, keeps getting in the way. Believe me, it happens and it’s enough to drive any sane ho cray-cray! Remember: it always helps to be writing shit down and trust yourself that this illuminating spark you’re experiencing is something that will never stop coming back, no matter how often you lose it.


SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Even a carefree, jolly gay like you can feel discouraged when faced with a negative bitch who likes to rain on your overtly gay parade (and no, I’m not talking about me). But you mustn’t lose hope. With every dream crushing queen (still not me) comes the possibility of you looking upon yourself and finding out that your capabilities of overcoming any shady situation are constantly expanding. Like your ass.


CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

The game is changing, my queen. Question is, are you the kind of bitch that can adapt to the challenges that come with life’s metamorphosis? For some hos, this question is nothing, but for someone who knows what they’re gonna eat at three p.m. today (and I know it ain’t coming from the fucking vending machine), this question may be a bit challenging. Before you even tackle any new situations, best to check in with yoself.


AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Control can be a tricky little bitch. There’s the type of control you like to exert (and would like to have) on your surroundings, and then there’s the type of control that lies on how you react to things you can’t fucking change. Notice that the former example causes more frustration, self slapping and hair pulling, while the latter example can get you closer to finding inner peace.


PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

I can tell from your facials that you’re ready to plunge into the next best thing, thinking that your allies from Unicorn Planet are ready to assist. But reality still does exist, my dear, and sometimes, fairies, glowbugs and rainbow birds can’t hold a candle to a thing called life. Sometimes, it does help to give yourself some time to think things through. Give yourself the space to harness your intentions. Doing so will make your next adventure that much more fulfilling.


(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shit show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!