So I guess it’s time to come out of the closet: I’m autistic! 🙂 … I found out within the past few weeks, and I was considering whether or not I should post this, since there’s certainly a stigma associated with Autism. I was also debating how much information people other than my close friends should know about my life, especially knowing how judgmental strangers can be, without rhyme or reason. In the end, though, I decided that this is a new important aspect of my identity, and I should be open and honest about it. … At first I had difficulty accepting myself, and I deactivated my social media to reflect on the matter. One of the main questions going through my mind was: “how have other people viewed me for my whole life?” But I realize that other people’s opinions must not have been too big of an issue if I was able to live almost normally without finding out until college. … I’m also certainly not ashamed to be autistic. It may have made it more difficult to socialize, upkeep conversations or interactions, maintain friendships, make social decisions, and express interest in many topics throughout my life.. However, I’m glad that I’ve been able to see that these issues have been occurring and to understand how they’ve contributed to much of my regular self-frustration. This insight, along with finally knowing the source of many of my frustrations, will help me overcome various obstacles in the future. … Having this much self-realization in such a short amount of time also made me think about some relatively tough decisions. I began to wonder if I was truly enjoying college. If not, I wondered if I should just live with my parents and teach myself about my favorite subjects at home rather than continuing to attend Northwestern. I also wondered whether I should give up my love for social media based upon what others think of me. And, in the end, I came to the conclusion that both of these decisions would have been too drastic; Northwestern is a great college to receive an education, and I will never let opinions bring me down that low—to the point that I withdraw from society. … It’s been a strange couple of weeks, but I believe that knowing this about myself will help me work through challenges in my life and help me become a better person. I really try to only be kind to others; I’m sorry if I’ve come off differently to anybody, in any way. I don’t see Autism as anything “wrong” with me, and I’m happy to live in a society where autistic people can achieve greatness, along with everyone else. I’m looking forward to living my true self and my continual quest for self-knowledge. … PS: These photos are from a photoshoot I did with my friend Yasmine in the rain! The symbol on my shirt is an autistic pride symbol. The first picture is me jumping, and the second and third are reaction shots after landing. ☺️
Shout out to my ex, you’re really quite the man You made my heart break and that made me who I am Here’s to my ex, hey, look at me now, well, I’m All the way up, I swear you’ll never, you’ll never bring me down
Summary: Bucky and the team don’t realize the damage they caused until you snap. Will they be able to fix it?
Warnings: Depression, yelling, angst. but FLUFFY AT THE END.
Note: This is my first ever fanfiction writing so please bear with me. :)
You know that feeling you get when you had your first heartbreak? Or what it feels like to never feel good enough? Or maybe you might feel a part of your soul has died?
That is how you feel, and have felt for years. You just were good at hiding it. Until he came along. Bucky Barnes. You feel in love with him in the beginning because he made you feel worth it. But every fairytale doesn’t have a happy ending. Go figure it would happen to you.
“Hey Y/N!” Bucky made you jump 5 feet in the air. That’s when you noticed your surroundings, you were on the couch in the main living room with all your co-workers. Your eyes didn’t sparkle anymore, your hair is up and greasy, your skin is paler, and you just look dead. You wore comfortable clothes. Your favorite sweater, some leggings and some knee socks.
“yes?” you whispered to Bucky but not looking anywhere but at the full cup of tea in your hands, that has gone cold by now.
“What’s wrong with you?” Bucky asked with a irritated voice. God knew that you were to weak emotionally to send him an angry glare and tell him off. Instead you just gave up and stood up slowly, walked to the exit and turned around with a blank face and no emotions in your eyes as you said..
“I want to die. I want to punch you and tell you how every “nickname” you give me bring me down, I want to never leave my room but most importantly I wish you all would stop treating me like i can take every insult you throw at me. I’M NOT GLASS BUT I SURE AS HELL AM NOT A BRICK WALL EITHER. I’M HUMAN WHICH MEANS I HAVE LIMITS! OH AND ANOTHER THING STOP BEING SO DAMN VAIN! ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS YOUR FEELINGS NOT ANYONE ELSE!” by the end of your confession you had tears down your face and the whole team looked at their feet, knowing you were right. They could get a little rough with their “teasing” as they called it. It was all true, they would call you names that made you insecure.\
One time Sam and Steve “jokingly” wouldn’t let you come to club with them because they didn’t like the way you looked. You cried the entire weekend. Natasha and Wanda would always tease you about losing weight every time you went shopping with them. Tony called you stupid. Bruce always snapped at you. Even when you didn’t talk.Vision means well but when he made the comment of it not making sense for you to be here because you aren’t a great assassin or you don’t have powers, you then tumbling into your depression.
They didn’t cause you to have depression, you’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression since you were 15 so it’s not new but that doesn’t make it right.
But Bucky was the worst because you loved him. He made you insecure in the worst ways. You are an extrovert, silly, and you loved yourself at one point. But he just didn’t stop, so you shut yourself down.
Bucky stood there in shock but then it turned angry.Oh hell no.
“If you can’t take a damn joke then you shouldn’t be an Avenger Y/N. If you are depressed then get help, not put your problems on us. Don’t blame us for the chemical imbalance in your brain. I don’t know why Fury even brought you here. You are worthless.” Bucky stated calmly, though it was angry and irritated.
You stood there, then it happened.
You laughed in his face. Full on laughed. Everyone was shocked by Bucky’s response but when they saw yours they got really worried. You had tears coming down your face from how hard you were laughing, you finally stopped and walked up to him at arms length. And with a cold stare and a snarl on your lips, you slapped him across the face.
“You ASSHOLE. You want to talk about ME not being an Avenger. You’re THE DAMN WINTER SOLDIER YOU FUCKED UP PRICK. YOU DO NOT AND WILL NOT BLAME THIS ON ME. YOU CAME HERE BROKEN AND WE HELPED YOU AND YOU THINK I SHOULD’NT BE AN AVENGER. OH PLEASE! I CAN’T GET HELP YOU DICK. IT’S CALLED CLINICAL DEPRESSION FOR A REASON. IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY! You don’t know anything about me or my problems because you were so absorbed with yourself and you didn’t think when you called me those horrible nicknames. Loser. Freak. Weirdo… you whispered the last nickname because that hurt worse. By now you were drained and everyone noticed how pale you were and how fragile you looked.
It’s their fault
You backed away from Bucky, who looked more shocked and confused, and you ran to your room.
“We fucked up.” Steve finally spoke. If it was a normal day, everyone would have laughed at him and told him to watch his language. But today was nothing but gloom and guilt for the team. Even Bucky. No,especially Bucky.
“What do we do?” Tony whispered, afraid of his own voice. Everyone pondered for hours until Wanda spoke up.
“We heal her. We watch what we say. Y/N isn’t one who puts faith into words but rather actions so we clean up the mess we made and start acting like her friends like we should’ve done.” Everyone agreed to Wanda’s response and one by one headed to their rooms except Natasha and Bucky.
“You love her.” Nat stated. They both sat their with their hands in their lap and looking at their shoes as if they found them fascinated. She looked in front of her watching Bucky slowly and painfully nod.
She stood up and told him something simple.
“Then show it. Because I’ll be damned if i treat her anything less like a sister again.” She walked towards her room ready to beat herself up all night.
You spent the last couple days locked up in your room with some Disney movies and a bottle of Vodka helping you get the strength to face everyone again. Especially Bucky.
You got dressed and made sure to wear over-sized clothes, you didn’t feel right wearing something skin tight or anything near that. You hated your body again. With a sigh and a shot of Vodka you walked out of your room with your head down and playing with the strings on your sleeves. You reached the movie room and sat down in the middle of the couch and asked F.R.I.D.A.Y to play the saddest movie on Netflix. You buried yourself in the blankets you left there last week. When the movie was just about to start, the team all piled in the room. You began to get up and take your leave thinking they wanted a movie night. You were about to take a step toward the door when Bucky pushed you right back down on your previous spot and sat on your right and put your feet on his lap while he gently pushed your shoulder so you where laying down. Everyone sat on the other couches or floor. You were still scared to talk and still confused. When you opened your mouth to object Bucky shushed you signalling that the movie was about to start. You nodded and began watching the movie.
Cyberbully, how ironic.
The whole team was in tears as the movie ended and you were on the verge of crying but didn’t want to cry again in front of Bucky. Bucky however was crying silently and gripping your ankles like his live depended on it. The lights came back on and Tony asked you why would you be watching this. You shrugged and went to get up but Bucky didn’t let you.
“We fucked up.” Steve said for the second time that month. You chuckled dryly as you allowed a couple of stray tears to fall. You nodded and realized what they are doing about it and your heart pulled a little. They are fixing their mistakes.
Wanda nodded at you, hearing your thoughts as they were so strong with pain and hurt. She started to read your mind the week of your outburst and she cried every time because of the raw emotions that you gave away. She envies you. You’re everything she wants to be.
“Fix it and then we’ll talk.” You replied softly and ripped your legs away from Bucky’s grip and walked to your room feeling drained already. After that night they did just that,they fixed it. By the end of a year you were almost your old self again. You were closer with Wanda, Natasha, and Bucky. Wanda and Natasha had told you they brought you down because their mind is overflowing with self-doubt and before they realized it they took it out on you. It took some time but you forgave them and the team. Bucky made sure everyday that you knew how much he thought you were beautiful, smart, and kind. You were happy. Everything was okay again especially since Bucky asked you to be his “doll” as he called it. That day he kissed you and told you he will never bring you down again. You agreed knowing it won’t happen again. You kissed him with all the love you have for this metal man. As you released his lips, much to his dismay, you sighed and softly breathed out, “ I’m happy again.” With that he smiled so beautifully that you swore you loved him more.
Because over a thousand, THOUSAND, of you gorgeous human beings decided to follow this little blog (I have no idea why), I decided to open an ask Lance and Keith to entertain you guys. You can ask them a question or even request something for me to do. I just want to thank all of you guys for your support and kind words, I never thought tumblr of all places would help bring me out of downs that have me near tears. Thank you guys so much, I love each and every one of you!
Reborn, Xanxus and Dino trying to make up for insulting and trying to break things off between Tsuna and his s/o due to some misunderstanding
“He he he! So where’s your darling Decimo
“I can’t believe it was all so fucking easy
to set you up as a traitor! Just goes to show how little faith he’s got in
You grit your teeth as you glared up at the
two men both holding their guns out and aiming at the top of your head. Clearly
this is where you’re going to die. For a second you wished you could have seen
Tsuna’s face one more time. The thought of that slight smile on his face when
he looked at you… The loneliness in his eyes you have always took pride in
vanquishing… The gentle touch of his rough, calloused hand… It almost made your
tears spill out but you couldn’t. Not in front of these people. She will not
give them the satisfaction of begging for her life.
“You both stink and are both butt ugly,”
you shot at your attackers sharply, your eyes blazing as you did so. “You’ll
never bring Tsuna down. Never. If you’re
going to kill me then do your worst, assholes!”
You watch with some satisfaction as both
their faces turned purple in rage before both of them cocked their guns in
“Why you little―”
But the words and the shot did not come to
be. One moment you were certain you were about to die and the next blood was
spraying from both these men’s foreheads. For a few moments all you could do
was stare in shock at the two now very, very dead bodies huddled at your feet
before you realized that those bullets had had to come from somewhere.
“I know you’re there. You might as well
Reborn stepped out of the shadows at your
request knowing he had given himself away by firing off that shot that put down
the dog who had dared try to kidnap you. His piercing stare shot through you
from the shadows of his fedora as he held his gun up, the tip still smoking
from its use.
Your eyes went wide at the sight of the
world’s greatest hitman standing before you in this dark, lonely alley you had
been forced into by the men who had pointed a gun to your back and demanded you
follow their instructions.
“Reborn?” Instantly your guard went up.
Wasn’t this the same man who had accused you of playing Tsuna for a fool? Wasn’t
he the reason why your fiancé kicked you out of the mansion and called off
their engagement? “What do you want?”
Reborn remained quiet for a moment just
staring at you. And then the man shocked you by taking off his fedora, putting
it on his chest and bowing to you respectfully.
You stand there stunned at this. Hadn’t
Tsuna said that the reason Reborn never takes his fedora off was because it
made him feel vulnerable? A headshot was always a sure fire way to kill a
target so he hid that most vulnerable spot at all times. He wore that hat like
it was armor. There were even rumors
going around that the bowl of that hat had bulletproof lining that can stop a
Falcon rifle’s direct hit. Taking it off in front of anybody was a show of
utmost respect and humility. A sign of good faith.
“Good evening.” The hitman said, piercing eyes
never taking itself off of your form.
You blink at him in confusion and surprise,
still too shocked at the display to reply. It required several deep breathes
before you could say anything again with any measure of sense. “What do you
want, Reborn? Did he send you out to kill me too?”
“No.” you watch him purse his lips as
though he had just eaten a particularly sour lemon before putting his hat back
on. “I guess I’m here to take you home.”
on my way hom―”
“No, not there. Excuse me, let me correct myself.” He nodded in the general
direction of your apartment and you feel exasperated. Of course he knew where you were staying. “I’m here to take you back
where you belong. Tsuna’s still
waiting for you. Despite what I say he isn’t going to give you up. Even now he’s
trying to figure out a way to prove your innocence.”
You stare back at him, speechless as his
lips twisted in a wry smile you had only heard about but never seen on the
hitman’s face in your presence. It was there for a solid second before it
turned into a serious mien as he glanced at the two dead bodies on the ground.
“I will personally execute the mastermind
behind your frame up and present it to you.” The sharp, tight lipped smile that
followed that promise made a sliver of fear strum at your spine. “Consider it a
wedding gift to the Vongola Decimo’s future consort.”
Well, you think as you blinked rapidly. I guess this is his version
of saying ‘I’m sorry’.
You wake up in the middle of the night
feeling thirsty so you get up to sleepily make your way over to your kitchen.
As you pass the living room a car passed by and its headlight hit a glinting
pair of red situated in a dark silhouette made you jump back. You were barely
able to hold back a scream as you realized someone was sitting on your most
Just as you were about to make a run for it
to lock yourself in your room a low, rumbling voice shot out of the dark and
paralyzed you; gripping you by the neck and rendering you motionless like a
hand around your throat.
“Calm the fuck down.”
You blink rapidly at that and realized you knew that voice. You knew those pair of red eyes.
“Xanxus?” you whispered quietly as though
half afraid of the truth. That just saying his name would summon him right
there in front of you.
You fumbled with a dimly lit lamp set in
the small table nearest you and once it’s candle like rays in the room your
suspicions were confirmed. You were in the presence of the Varia Boss himself.
You stiffen and took a step back thinking you were in danger even as defiance
sparked in your eyes.
This man was the reason Tsuna had been
forced to have you interrogated for being a spy. This man was the reason you
had to be hospitalized for three months. If it weren’t for the fact that you
loved Tsuna so much you would have left the brunette because of this man’s
influence. Fear and anger gripped your heart as you stood in front of the dark
skinned Mafioso in nothing but your flannel pajamas.
Was he here to kill her?
Would he really dare endanger the Alliance
further by getting rid of her because he still thought her guilty for being a
traitor? Xanxus had always been somewhat of a wild card, second only to Enma
who hid his intentions behind a mask of meekness. What was he planning now?
“What are you doing in my house?” you
finally find the strength to ask even as you try to steady your stance. You
refuse to crumble before this man.
His eyes were felt like red hot brands as
he stared into your eyes. The first time you saw those eyes you have already
noticed how similar its effect can be to Tsuna’s golden ones but much more
explosive, much more volatile compared to Tsuna’s contained cruelty. Now,
though it had traces of contemplation over the violence that made you feel like
you were being… considered.
It only made you lift your chin up to stare
him down. You will not cower before
Movement outside your window caught your
attention and you look out to see a familiar flash of white and blonde hair disappearing
from sight so fast one would think it was only a trick of the light.
Wait, were those Squalo and Belphegor?
“Your life is in danger.”
You blinked at the announcement, turning
your attention back to the Varia Boss. It was not what you were expecting to
He ignored your surprise and continued to
languidly sit there staring at you with bored, almost lazy eyes as he continued
his explanation. “Some idiotic mother fucker thinks he can get through that
brat by harming you. And once they get a hold of the brat’s neck they think
they could control the Vongola. Mammon’s been keeping an eye on their
activities for a month now and we have it on good authority they’ll strike
You honestly don’t know what to say. It was
mind boggling enough to have this man sitting in your living room like he owned
“Go get what you needed and go back to
sleep.” His voice rumbled in the room again before closing his eyes and leaning
back into her chair like a dragon settling down to sleep. “As long as we’re
here no harm will touch a strand of your hair or an inch of your skin. You have
Mind still scrambled at the very idea of
Xanxus in her house watching over her but feeling the genuine truth behind his
words you hurry and get your glass of water before going back to your bedroom.
Before you close the door, though, you hear him mutter in the darkness you left
behind as you switched the lamp light you had earlier on back off.
“With this… My debts are paid. To you and that fucking Sawada.”
You try to gather courage no matter how
much your knees were shaking. Beyond these double doors were the crème of the
crop belonging in Tsuna’s world. He had told you about how you would be judged
and criticized and be wary of the sharp words and innuendos. The opportunists
and the machinations of both friends and hidden enemies alike.
The moment the doors were opened all
conversation ceased as all eyes turned over to you. You almost turned tail and
ran but you caught sight of your fiancé listening to something Gokudera was
saying even as his eyes locked on to yours. His gaze gave you courage. It made
your spine straighter and your legs steadier.
your place, you remembered Tsuna saying this morning
before he left for his office. You are my
queen. The one I chose. You deserve to be by my side.
Determined to do him proud you walk towards
your future husband like the queen he had proclaimed you to be. Inwardly you
laugh, though. This was like a twisted version of Cinderella.
As the crowd started to gather around you
in curiosity you don’t notice the outstretched foot of a jealous jilted lover
from another Mafia Famiglia on your path preparing to humiliate you. When you
stumbled because of the mean trick you expected to land on the floor and the
whole ballroom laughing at your shame but instead a strong forearm caught you
and smoothly pulled you back in place.
Shocked you look up to see the handsome
face of the Cavallone Don there by your side smiling sharply at the woman who
had tripped you.
“I didn’t realize people in parties like
these can still act like fifth class citizens,” he said smoothly but with a
cold innuendo that made something cold trickle down your spine. It was as
though Dino’s charm had turned from a feather into a cruelly sharpened scythe. “Such
a disappointment shall not marry into a don’s Famiglia, I will make sure of
The woman’s face turned red in humiliation
even as she tried to pretend to be innocent. The hidden threat and promise in
Dino’s words made her go pale as soon as she heard it.
Making his meaning subtly clear Dino tucked
your hand in the crook of his arm and began escorting you over to where Tsuna
was and all the while you walk beside him stiffly. You can still remember how
this man had tried to seduce you― how he tried to make Tsuna get rid of you―
all because he thought you were merely a gold digging harlot that had the
fortune to meet Sawada Tsunayoshi. You could still remember the fury you felt
when you rejected his advances and how you had avoided him ever since. It made your skin crawl just to have him near like this but you needed to bear it for now.
Not here in public. It would make everyone certain there was trouble within the
“Relax, I won’t bite.” You hear Dino say
even as he smiled and waved at people around him who greeted the Cavallone don.
“I can’t help it,” you replied, doing
exactly the same. “I hate your guts.”
He smiled softly. “I deserve that.”
“Good to know.” You wryly replied from the
corner of your mouth.
“Look, I just wanted to say I’m sorry,” you
glance at him warily and found him looking back at you with a sincerity you had
never before seen on his face; not even when he was trying to seduce you. “Tsuna
is like a little brother to me. I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t making a
mistake by choosing you. He holds our whole world in his hands. Choosing a
partner is not something he can do lightly.”
You wanted to bristle angrily but you could
also appreciate the meaning behind his words. Being with Tsuna had taught you
how the delicate ties of ‘Family’ can be and you already knew the bond between
the Vongola and the Cavallone was the strongest you have seen in this world of
blood and madness. It would be a shame if it was severed. She didn’t want to
cause Tsuna any more pain.
“I already know that,” you admitted with a
grudging smile. “Why do you think I haven’t told him that you tried to seduce
“Oh he knows about that,” Dino said so
casually that you had to do a double take. “The reason why the Cavallone and
the Vongola have such a good relationship is because we have always been at
least fifty percent aware of each other’s plans. He was pretty angry when I
told him about it but when I told him you wanted nothing to do with me he
couldn’t be prouder.”
Your heart thumped at what Dino was saying.
Was this guy for real?
“Don’t worry, the alliance is secure and
better than ever because of you,” the sincerity and gratefulness in his voice
made you look up and see the fond gaze you had ever only seen him give Tsuna. “The
Cavallone pledges our loyalty to you and the Vongola Decimo. You are one of us.
If you need us, we will always be
waiting. This, I promise you.”