never alone

Never Alone

When you’re feeling lost and lonely
in this vast universe of ours, look to
the stars, and remember how they
stand bright and distinctive in their
own light, shining from within them,
magnificent and mesmerizing, but
never far from another celestial glow.

-M.R.

When we first brought Ava home I was really worried we wouldn’t have a strong bond. I had some kind of depression and pretty severe anxiety while adjusting to motherhood suddenly. For the first few months I felt like I was Ava’s babysitter and not her mom. I was worried I wouldn’t ever feel like a real parent.

Part of that is the nature of infertility and how it fucks with you even after you’ve achieved parenthood. Part of that is the nature of adoption. And even more so adopting a baby at 8 weeks. We went from not knowing when we would be parents to being handed a two month old and wished good luck.

I didn’t really get maternity leave. I worked from home for two months. Still expected to put in 50-60 hour weeks.

So yeah, I worried for a long time that I had done it all wrong and that Ava and I wouldn’t bond like mother and child. I cried my eyes out more than once worried about it.

Okay. So. I was really fucking wrong because this kid is 110% bonded to me and me to her and honestly if I could figure out how to get her to uncling herself from me for like, just one full night so I could sleep without this barnacle attached to my left arm I would pay all of my money for that moment.

So weird that I was so worried about bonding and feeling like a “real” mom. This shit is as real as it comes.