Don't blame me! I haven't got a f***ing clue what I'm doing.
Waaay back in the 90s, I was doing what all lazy, unintelligent youths do when they don’t want to do A-level courses at college. I did a “modern apprenticeship”. It had 4 days a week in an office, and 1 day in college.
Part of the college course was “Information and Communications Technology”.
I was pretty good at that part, and didn’t feel like sleeping like I did when it was “Finance and Accounting”.
Anyhow… we had a small network of Windows 3.1 PCs and Novell NetWare file server. And we would use this stuff for ICT lesson exercises and to do studying for other bits of our course.
I’m generally a nice and friendly person, and would usually help my fellow students when they got stuck on some part of an exercise or whatever. Most people were grateful for the help. Except Ashley.
In one lesson, Ashley’s intellect was not up to the task of entering names in a spreadsheet and then doing a “mail merge”. I offered to help, and he gladly accepted. But I couldn’t rescue this shitty spreadsheet. He’d put everything in the wrong place. And I was not going to sit there moving things around for him or being a data entry clerk. So I told him the spreadsheet needed to be put right or it would never work.
“You think you know this computer stuff, but look, you don’t know shit! You’re not clever; you’re f***ing thick and you don’t even know it”
“Well I got further with it than you did”
“Yeah? You’re so smart but you won’t fix mine?”
“You haven’t got a f***ing clue what you’re doing. You’re wasting my f***ing time”
I quickly return to my desk.
How could somebody be such a dick? I’m trying to help, and he goes and tries to belittle me in front of the whole class.
Nevermind, I figure I’ll leave it. Not much I can do, anyway.
Or is there?
A few weeks later, and a few snide comments like “don’t let him touch it, he f***ed up my stuff last time”, I have found a new program called “sheep.exe”. You run it, and a cartoon sheep runs around your screen, on top of your windows, and falls spectacularly when you close the windows from under it. Well, not that spectacular, but it was the 90s, and we couldn’t play Sonic The Hedgehog on a PC.
I send a copy to a couple of classmates, and they love it. Soon, the entire class is looking at the few PCs that have sheep running about the screen.
Ashley makes his voice heard “oi, send that to me, mate”
“Sure, hang on a min”…
Instead of sending “sheep.exe”, I sent “sheep.bat”, which was a small batch file I hastily wrote, to move everything in his home drive (everyone’s was h:) to a folder called “gayporn”, and then set it as “hidden”. I toyed briefly with the idea of just deleting everything but decided it would be best to leave myself a “no real harm done” card to play, in case I needed it.
So Ashley ran my attached batch file and… nothing happened.
Ashley then told me again about how I didn’t know what I was talking about and maybe I should just f*** off and die.
I told him it worked for everyone else I sent it to, maybe he was doing it wrong. So he spent a fair while trying to find different ways to double click on the attachment, hoping he might be treated to a sheep if he just clicked the right way this time.
So, anyway, I decided to send him the “real” sheep program, and he got his sheep.
He didn’t notice his missing files until right at the end of the lesson.
He came to ask me about his files, his face stricken with panic.
“F*** man, my f***ing stuff has all gone!”
“No way! Did you delete it by accident or something?”
“I didn’t touch it. It’s all gone! Did that sheep thing delete your files?”
I open my “H” drive.
“Nope, mine are all there. Nobody else seems to be missing anything. Must be just you.”
“You’re f***ing useless. Where are my files?”
And I gave him a cold stare and said:
“DON’T. ASK. ME. I HAVEN’T GOT A FUCKING CLUE WHAT I’M DOING. Remember?”
To this day, I have no idea if he ever found his files or had to redo a lot of homework. I like to think that he at least was challenged once about the existence of a hidden folder in his home drive called “gayporn”.