nesteggs

The problem with interning with the Jackass crew with a view to joining them as a full-time member is that it’s never clear what’s a direct challenge and what’s just banter.

Even that isn’t really a problem until you’re in the park for a team-building picnic and Steve-O idly says “I wonder if you could leap from the top of that tall tree and land on a hundred nails and it wouldn’t even hurt at all”, and Bam Margera argues, “I bet it would hurt, but probably only a little bit.” It’d look bad to ignore the tacit challenge, given that it speaks to the crew’s founding principles, so you climb the tree and throw yourself onto the scattered patch of nails below.

Months later, Johnny Knoxville visits you in the hospital. “Heck, I’m sure sorry this happened to you,” he says. “Look at you lying there, all swaddled up in bandages, only one eye working, no parents visiting you because they’re disgusted that their son’s frittering away their nestegg on hospital bills because of a stupid stunt that he arguably didn’t even have to do. If it were possible for a man to crystalize loneliness and regret - to somehow distill those abstract concepts into a living, breathing physical form - surely it would be you.”

Of course, you can’t pass up a written invitation like that, so you hobble on out of the hospital and spend years studying ways to manifest loneliness and regret.

But by the time you’re done the Jackass crew doesn’t even exist anymore. Worst of all, when you tell people you wasted your time learning how to manifest loneliness and regret, they think you’re being you’re being deliberately flowery and obtuse. What a waste of time.