nervous breakdown basically

Currently

Me: *listening to hamilton on shuffle*
Song: ‘meet the latest graduate of kings collage….’
Me: nope….nope…noooooooooooooope
Philip: 'only nineteen but my-’
Me: but your life is over, bECAUSE YOUR IDIOT DAD LET YOU DUEL TO DEFEND HIS HONOR! BUT HEY YOU KNOW HE KNEW ELIZA COULDN’T TAKE ANOTHER HEARTBREAK, LOST TWO KIDS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE, REMEMBER ANGIE HAMILTON?! NERVOUS BREAKDOWN LEFT HER BASICALLY DEAD, CRYING OUT EVERY NIGHT FOR HER TRUE BEST FRIEND! ELIZA LOST MORE IN 1801 HER SON, HER DAUGHTER, AND SISTER! THEN THREE YEARS LATER HER HUSBAND! IF I SAID IT ONCE, BITCH I’LL SAY IT AGAIN, ELIZA DESERVED BETTER, I’LL FIGHT 10,000 BRITISH TROOPS TO SEE HER HAPPY AGAIN. *drops mic*

Alex at the end of 1x01

So picture this. You’re in prison, which you hate.  And you’ll be there for at least 5-10 years because, y’know, you are a drug trafficker, and a pretty fucking high level one. You named plenty of mules, but you didn’t give them anyone above you in the food chain (because you weren’t interested in dying painfully), and so you got some time off your sentence (and somehow ended up in minimum security) but maybe not as much time off as you might have liked.

So you’ve been here for a few weeks or a month, and (sad drugs aside) you’ve kind of gotten your bearings. Your “co-workers” aren’t ideal (fucking methhead Jesus freaks…), but nothing you can’t handle. And it’s not like you can’t make this prison bullshit work. You’re a survivor. You’re adaptable.

And then one day you become aware that one of the new inmates is some WASP-y blonde rich girl who did some stupid rich girl crime and got herself tossed in for 15 months. And suddenly the love of your fucking life, who abandoned you when you needed her most (when you needed her more than you’ve maybe ever needed anyone ever) is back in front of you.  You manage to stay away for an entire day, just sort of watching from afar as she gets her bearings and tries to learn the rules and somehow manages to fuck up pretty badly in a really short time.

You decide after a day that you just can’t do it anymore, that you have to talk to her. Yeah she broke your fucking heart, yeah you were angry enough at her that you gave her the name to the Feds as little as six months to a year ago… but that was back when she wasn’t anything more than an idea to you, an abstract concept… when she wasn’t even real to you anymore.  And now that she’s here…. the thing you want more than anything in the world is to speak to her again and for her to fucking like you.  And maybe that’s sad but fuck it… it’s been a really fucking hard eight years…

So you decide to talk to her after breakfast. It’s orientation day, so it’s not like you have to be at work. You’re both going so you’ll just sort of shadow her there and make her aware of your presence at least. But breakfast doesn’t go as planned. Something bad happens and she looks like she’s having a fucking panic attack and she retreats out to the loading dock, which is definitely out of bounds… so you follow her because now you’re sort of concerned… and you walk up to her (she’s doubled over, fucking hyperventilating)… and you say “Maybe this is a bad time to say hi…” (smooth, Vause)

And then she fucking screams in your face for what feels like about 10 minutes….

(all this is a really long winded way of saying “I kind of wish they’d showed us Alex’s reaction in the immediate aftermath of Piper screaming in her face [upon seeing her for the first time in 8 years] at the end of 1x01″)