nerfs next patch

The average composition of teams in online games:

The enemy team: 

An escaped government killbot: This murderous machine literally can’t stop killing, but fortunately for the public it has acquired a console through unknown means and fulfills its purpose in a digital environment. Unfortunately for your team, the the skills transfer over pretty nicely

Horatio: Oh, this guy is just bullshit. He uses that hideously overpowered weapon that’s getting seriously nerfed next patch. However, in his hands, that weapon’s swan song is glorious

Lisa: Uses weapons and tactics that just shouldn’t work, and yet leaves a trail of broken and ruined bodies in her wake. It’s really embarrassing when she kills you, honestly. You thought you were better than that. 

Gregor: Reaction time that borders on the supernatural. Methodical, ruthless and really, really fond of ambush tactics. Is an actual, real-life war hero.

Alex: Legitimately psychic. you’ve never even come close to killing them. In fact, they might be reading your mind right now. oh shit, they’re shooting your real name and address into the wall. holy shit. 


Your team: 

Two raccoons in some guy’s ribcage: Technically they aren’t playing, but they are rummaging around in the torso of someone who died midgame and the spasmodic twitching of his corpse is the only explanation for his lackluster combat skills and navigational issues

Travis, the unlikable teen: Literally every aspect of this man’s personality is odious, and he just won’t stop singing Whitesnake lyrics over the mike, Muting him doesn’t work. His mom sounds nice, though; he really shouldn’t talk to her like that

Bert: Uses weapons and tactics that just don’t work. Frequently dies in ways that baffle the mind. Doesn’t learn from his mistakes

Bartholomew the Cursed: He desecrated a lot of tombs in his day, and is now suffering from a plethora of curses that render him unable to succeed at literally anything. Hilariously enough, he honestly thinks that video games aren’t covered by the curses. He’s wrong. 

You: You’re trying your best, dammit.