But only Jack knows this. After being Gabriel’s “best friend” for 30-ish years, Jack knows WAY TOO WELL how nerdy Gabriel is. And he loves it of course, because Jack is just as big a nerd and he loves everything Gabriel is.
But literally no one believes Jack because “Commander Reyes is such a badass.” or “Commander Reyes is so cool.”
So Jack suffers as Gabriel blatantly drops obscure sci-fi movie references or fucking video game quotes into his everyday conversations and NO ONE GETS THEM except Jack.
Gabriel: You gotta redo this budget, Jesse - your numbers don’t make sense, Mason.
Jesse: okay, cool, I’ll do that, boss - who’s Mason?
Jack *in the background*: Someone needs to stop him.
Jesse: I dunno what ta go as for Halloween this year. Any suggestions, padre?
Gabriel: Do you like lobsters?
Jesse: I - wha
Gabriel: how do you feel about shirts with only one sleeve?
Gabriel: do you feel like the ocean’s grey waves?
Jesse: ya’ll seriously lost me like a calf in a herd
Gabriel: it’s alright, Delores - how do you feel about Paint It Black in instrumental form?
Jack: *head in hands* oh my god
Gabriel and Jack pass Winston:
Jack: Hey Winston -
Winston: Hello, commanders!
Gabriel: Sup, Rajang?
Winston: …I don’t know what that means, sir.
Jack *so mad because he gets it*: Dammit Gabriel
Gabriel: No worries, Caesar. How’s that Tesla Cannon coming along?
Gabriel and Jack debrief Genji:
Gabriel: really glad you’re going to help us out, Genji.
Genji: Thank you, sir. I will do what I can to help cut out the corruption in the Shimada clan.
Gabriel: I really respect that. So you can use a katana, shurikens, and the Sharingan?
Genji: uh, yes, the katana and shurikens, I am very proficient in. What’s a sharingan?
Gabriel: Don’t worry about it. Angela is working on new cyborg upgrades for you.
The worst moment is when Gabriel says that he “death blossomed the enemy squad” in the middle of a Blackwatch report and Jack practically starts sobbing with laughter because he knows Gabriel just dropped a fucking Last Starfighter reference and everyone else thinks Jack has lost his damn mind.
But the overall worst part is when Gabriel’s references work into Jack’s brain inadvertantly and then EVERYONE thinks Jack is a huge nerd.
Ana: Well, that mission was tough. Do you think we’ll see more from Null Sector after this?
Gabriel: *dry wheezing cackle* mierda, joder, holy shit
Jack: …WAIT SHIT NO, ANA DON’T
Ana (on the comms): Rein, Torb, you won’t believe this
Jack: I DON’T EVEN LIKE POE
Gabriel: how the fuck can you not like Poe??
Jack: Whitman is better -
Gabriel: TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW
The Victorian equivalent of a white male tumblr meninist. Fight his past newspaper blogger ass, though the guy does write about his own "tragic experiences", so be warned that a caricature of you will probably be appearing in his next novel.
idk they're from Yorkshire I wouldn't risk it
Yess he spends all his time in his room writing self-insert Bible fanfic and never goes outside, 10/10 would fight this nerd. You will win. Easily.
Why would you want to fight Mary Shelley???? She's nice and bad things happened to her and she invented scifi! Go reevaluate your life choices.
Don't. He will kill you otp viciously and then spend 38 pages describing someone's hat.
It's 50/50 you'll win, but you might fall asleep from his long-winded prose before you land a punch.
Little is known about him, other than the fact that he had free access to bears and swords and a penchant for revenge and mass murder as plot devices. If you're gonna fight him, watch your back.
Whiny and allergic to adjectives and allegorical and super racist. Fight Him. So long as your childhood can take it.
Shakespeare's biggest fan, so a total dork. Also old and shell shocked. Your call.
Him and his friends will get drunk and gang up on you. Not advisable.
He was once described as "the most generous, large-hearted being in the world" and had extensive military training. Just... don't.
Still alive, so she's got a foot up on the rest of them.
Total fuckin' politics nerd. Will keep a diary of the fight.
You'd feel too mean, it'd be like punching some harmless lana del-ray book club chic. Fight her if you want but be aware of the emotional consequences.
Constantly angry looking. Just look at that mustache. You want to fight him already, don't you?
The sassiest little shit ever. Be prepared for cane wielding sassmeister. You'll probably lose, but it'll be worth it.
Cicero Who wins: ???
I don’t know who will win this but please, he is so egotistical. Beat him up. Do it.
Who wins: Nobody
No one benefits from this. Why would you fight Vergil? What kind of evil person would do that??? He’s not hurting anyone, he is too precious. Don’t fight Vergil.
Who wins: You
Dude is essentially a scrawny little white boy. if you punch him he will probably cry. Do it. Fight Catullus.
Who wins: You
BUT he will probably sass you so badly in one of his poems and you will never be able to live it down. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Martial.
Who wins: You
I know you want to punch him, hell I kinda wanna punch him, but you’ll regret it. He’ll probably seduce everyone in your family after. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Ovid.
Who wins: Caesar
I know his poems are shit and he deserves to get punched in the face for them but don’t fight him. Dude is a renounced general and is practically unstoppable. Don’t fight Caesar. He will kill you.
Who wins: You
Dude is so fucking old you can probably KO him in one punch. Do it. Fight Seneca.
Who wins: Horace
He was a fucking officer in the military. If he wanted to, he could kill a man. Plus if you fought him you would probably make Vergil sad. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Horace.
Who wins: You
Please look towards the entirety of De Rerum Natura. Dude is a weak ass fucking nerd. Do it. Fight Lucretius.
Who wins: Petronius
He is metal as HELL. He does basically anything he wants and chose to fucking kill himself before he could be sentenced and will probably not hesitate to punch someone in the gut. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Petronius.
Pliny the elder
Who wins: Pliny
He was a military officer and commander. He knows how to fight and stuff. He will most likely not hesitate to beat you up. Don’t do it. Don’t fight him.
Pliny the Younger Who wins:??? Who wins this is irrelevant. Dude practiced law. He’s practically BEGGING for someone to punch him. Do it. Fight him.
Who wins: ???
I honestly don’t know who will win but he looks deeply distressed in every picture ever as well as completely punchable. Do it. Fight Quintilianus.
Who wins: You
Look he may have written about wars, but he didn’t do shit. You can punch him in the face easily. The only issue is that he’s a sweetie and you’ll feel super bad about it after.
Kevin: do it. fight the little fucker. he’s a scrawny, megalomaniacal dickface, it’ll be easy. punch him right in the face, his family will thank you. (just make sure he can’t get his hands on a bow and some arrows because your chances of winning decrease dramatically in that event) 10/10
Elliot: 100% go for it. destroy this whiny mofo. u could blow on him and knock him over, he doesn’t stand a chance. 8/10
Patrick: I mean, you could fight Patrick. you’d probably win, too. but why would you he’s beautiful and gay and very sad. also Charlie will probably beat your ass. 0/10 would not recommend.
Daniel: this hippie probably weighs 15 whole pounds soaking wet, and he has sideburns. yeah, you could fight him, but consider this- hasn’t he suffered enough? 2/10 just leave him alone with his tears.
Leon Dupuis: sure, he’s distractingly pretty, but his name is Leon. 9/10fight him.
Credence Barebone: there are 2 reasons why fighting this tiny child will be the worst mistake of ur life. reason #1 he’ll cry probably, and then you’ll feel like a monster, and reason #2 he can literally destroy you. -1000/10 do not fight this precious boy.
Barry Allen: 10/10 FIGHT THIS NERD!!!! you won’t win, he’s very fast, but fight him anyway.