neon yellow purse

The Truth About Your Body

1- You are not your size at Forever21.

2- Just because this shapeless dump of a see-through shirt at F21 makes you look like a weirdo marshmallow cloud does not mean you are not a true marshmallow cloud in real life. You are. You are the Beautiful, Reigning Queen of The Marshmallow Clouds.

3- Your body’s beauty is being smothered by this sweater you are attempting to try on at one of Forever 21’s many locations. Oh, wow, this sweater doesn’t even fit over your boobs. You can barely fit this studded cross with French words all over it over your boobs. And it’s your size! Oh, wait, I’m sorry. It’s a 13-year old girl clutching this sweater. You are 25 and trying on a teenager.

4- You are not the way you look in one of those insane hi-lo dresses at Forever 21. Why is the back on the ground, trailing like a snail? Why is the front so high it touches heaven? How can I wear this if I cannot walk? Why do I look like a chicken nugget trailing sweet-and-sour sauce?

5- Oh my god, you are NOT your body in Forever 21’s endless supply of bandage dresses, which I think just distribute your fat into one place on your back, Quasimodo style OR right in your tummy so it looks like you are going to give birth to many new fans of Forever 21’s gigantic statement necklace section. It is said from the mouths of dead men that hell is just a dressing room filled with these shit dresses.

6- Oh NO, please don’t try pants on at Forever 21, I did once and then the fire department had to come and coax me down from a tree. You are not the vast section of 12 dollar jeans with rips on them at Forever Fucking 21.

7- Your body is not meant to wear a novelty sweatshirt with shit on it like I BELIEVE IN LOVE or OUI OUI HAR HAR or I SPENT 23 DOLLARS ON THIS BECAUSE OF THE FONT or WHY IS THIS VAGUELY REFERENCING THE BIBLE?

8- Your true skin is not the skin that turns green from the 300 midi rings with little crosses and infinity signs on them. But these midi rings are of your body. Because they were 1.80 and they fell into a bag of chips and you accidentally ate them all.

9- Your body probably needs that studded snap-back hat and that neon pink beanie and 30 black tank tops and that denim shirt with the western details and that velvet peplum top that is only 8.90 and those knee-high socks with the varsity stripes on them and this pleather jacket and this maxi skirt with the slit on it! It’s so cheap! I came here for a t-shirt! Help me! I’ve been stuck here for 6 hours! Tell my family I love them—gotta try on this overall dress!

10- Your body needs MORE skull shirts. MORE! MORE!! Feed them imitation silk SKULL SHIRTS! OMG this one has STUDS for EYES! FEED IT TO ME, O DEMONS OF THE NIGHT!

11- Your body is not the pain you feel from wearing these cheap vinyl stilettos you got for 18.90 or 21.5666666. It’s ripping my skin off, you say! It’s so cheap, you say! It’s only π dollars! I can use the extra money I saved to buy cute little Hello Kitty bandages located by the register!

12- Your body wants you to buy this baby doll floral dress, which has been reincarnating on shelves since the beginning of time. When you die, all that will remain is this flowy black floral dress with tiny pink flowers, so 90s so grunge.

13- But seriously, what size is this? What is my size in a pleather jumpsuit with gold detailing on the sleeves, a cheap pleather belt that comes with the jumpsuit, and harem style pants at the bottom? Is there a size chart for a kimono that cinches at the waist and then turns into a bodycon knitted skirt? WHY IS EVERYTHING HERE SO TERRIBLE AND WONDERFUL?

14- You are fucking flawless, and you are NOT YOUR SIZE AT FOREVER 21.

15- On that note, please leave Forever 21. You’ve been here for seven days, and no, you don’t REALLY need that imitation letterman jacket, those pajama pants with macarons on them, and that tiny see-through neon yellow purse. Or yasss maybe you dooooooooooooooo!