I missed wednesday cuz I was at work until 1am and then yesterday i was tired and needed a bath BUT IT’S TIME FOR SOME HOKEY GREASER NONSENSE BITCHES

oh thanks god Juggie’s narration is back. i didn’t realize it at the time but the more i thought about it last episode the more anxious it made me

holy shit did toni sleep over?! i mean- WITH him??? i should wait to get all the answers before i clutch my pearls shouldn’t i

awwww man- she switched her ringtone

walking by a graveyard in the fog during this conversation because this show is a GIFT

penelope is a fucking monster but she’s being a very stupid monster right now does she not remember “QUIETLY and with my BLESSING”

also nice to see third degree burns heal in like a week and leave zero scarring that’s chill i guess

cheryl’s “EVERYTHING’S FINE” and smile is the exact thing i’ve been doing at work lately so you know she plannin shit
((disclaimer: i’m just looking for a new job because i hate mine nothing this dramatic i promise i’m not going to beat someone up with a girlband or send a serial killer after them))

of course toni just couch crashed i mean i knew it but also i was pearl clutching a bit cuz the kiss was one thing but we all know jug and betty haven’t boned down yet and so i’d be wagging my finger at him if he rebounded THAT hard before cooling off and getting all the facts

okay so they fooled around a bit but toni is bein hella mature about this good girl

“more into girls anyways” WOOP THERE SHE IS

“people at the farm are going to help polly disappear for awhile” UM UM UM I DON’T LIKE THIS. I DON’T LIKE THIS AT ALL. I WANT TO GET OFF NOW PLEASE

of course they see jughead and toni talking at pops but SURPRISE the literal lines they are seeing but not hearing are “so girls in fuzzy sweaters and lipgloss right?” “RIGHT. yes. agreed. what about pastel converse? cutest thing in the world right?” “totally. right up there with cheerleader outfits.” “damn i love girls.” “same.”

omg the three different conversations happening at this neighborhood watch meeting i love this

“bughead is no more?” kevin once again the audience’s solid gold pov character but what about joaqvin i really want someone to say that just so i can see kevin’s eyes lift exasperatedly to the heavens

there’s a whole STORY that people KNOW about the mugshot everyone shut up hiram bout to DRAG

“some gangmember on the southside…” goddammit reggie why are you like this

**side note: i’ve been worried about my professional prospects recently but this week i had a dream that reggie (unclear in the dream if it was the character or the actor?) was rubbing my shoulders and assuring me that i would find a great job soon and everything would fall into place, so i’ve been rather fond of him lately, even if he is a trashbag hot mess

“what does it matter not all serpents are drug dealers” archie bringing his classic “too little too late” damage control in god love’m but he’s so ineffective at least you’re pretty hun

JOOOSSSSSIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE god her big beautiful eyes have so many FEELINGS and EMOTIONS i can’t even look at her

told you this “jughead writes for the school paper” plot was going to last all of two seconds

oh lord mayormackers, papa keller. why you two this way.

*delicate cough* nice how they make sure a black cop arrests toni so we know this isn’t at all racially motivated profiling *sips tea skeptically*

okay i kinda thought veronica was reading that something was up with betty’s outburst but maybe i was wrong. or she’s just got too much going on right now so she’s taking it at face value at the moment and sussing things out later

“The Sugarman” is both cringy-hilarious and TERRIFYING as a drug supplier name

archie has got to give jughead some more hints than “you should maybe talk to betty” because yes it’s not his place to explain everything but also we are BARRELING towards a shakespearean misunderstanding at about 800million miles per hour

cheryl serving LOOKS once again i love this. love her hat. her glasses. the fact that she’s clearly supposed to be sunbathing but she’s in FULL SHADE. LOVE this. LOVE her.

i can’t see the title of her book i’m just assuming it’s wuthering heights or flowers in the attic- only options

they make sure there’s a guitar in the andrews’ living room to remind us that archie does music sometimes still

“i’m upset with you for doing drugs but i know that was probably an isolated incident for you. what about jughead are you checking in with him to make sure he’s not making a habit of that kind of thing? how are your friends son i’m asking for their sake because i care about them as not to assess what kind of influence they are on you” fred is just so incredibly DECENT it’s overwhelming

their having a PARLAY with a RIVAL GANG and jughead being the king’s son CARRIES WEIGHT i am OVERWHELMED MY FRIENDS

So Tall Boy is the king regent now, with the true king in jail and the crown prince too green to take real responsibilities. i don’t ahve any speculations or comments i’m just translating gang culture into a language i have more experience with carry on-wait no i do have thoughts- so joaquin was like- the king’s own squire right? is that a coveted position or sort of an accidental “you have nowhere else to go and your young an impressionable and unlikely to stand up to me here help me shove this body of a kid your age into a freezer” kinda thing i have QUESTIONS about how the serpents operate and the slices of relationships we have seen so far

okay i am getting a STRONG byron vibe from this ghouly fellow

there is just- SO MUCH happening in this scene. first off- tall boy uses words like “parlay” and wears two earrings and now he’s lit with soft orange candlelight he is a literal pirate right now i’m having so much fun

then mr. nell’s-hair-texture-but-somehow-better-also-wearing-an-open-kimono-because-i-am-lord-george-byron and his…. whole deal. is he wearing GAUNTLETS with his OPEN KIMONO and SKINNY JEANS?! GOD I LOVE THIS SHOW

ALSO. tall boy just stood up to say some bogus “this is war” nonsense and there’s a ram’s skull hovering just over his shoulder in the shot HAHAHAHA SUBTLETY.

i was just going to say we haven’t seen cheryl PROSTRATING HERSELF IN GRIEF over jason in awhile but here she is looking at old photos surrounded by red carpeting and iron candelabras bless

oh man. i dunno but the more time passes the more solid the “sheriff keller is crooked” theory is. just they way they cut from cheryl looking at the drawing of the sugarman to the sheriff at the diner i just oh dear. oh honey. i want to believe you’re just spineless and ineffective. for kevin’s sake. don’t hurt kevin any more by having his dad be either a drug smuggler or a serial killer. OH GOD HE JUST SAID “ONE QUESTION” I AM UPSET. could be a red herring almost seems too easy but STILL. 

“there isn’t a sane excuse. so tell me the insane one” knew veronica was too smart for this deception she reads people well and knows betty atta girl way to be the anti- version of a character put in this trope

“Girl i would have given nick’s name and then happily treated myself to a facial” veronica poppin in as the audience’s mouthpiece while kevin is off duty

yasssssss beronica is BACK my friends i missed this are they going to break into someone’s car and definitely make out after the scene cuts like last time please say yes

yes 911 send help it’s the year of our lord 2017 and part of me is still a lil bit into skeet ulrich and i can’t tell how much of it is 90s nostalgia and how much is fp’s hot but deadbeat dad vibe

also fp’s prison number is 24601 because these lit references CAN’T BE STOPPED SON

also i’m sorry i’m going to say SO MUCH ABOUT THIS SCENE because this is my JAM you guys. the tired king helpless to stop the uprising of his people who he once thought loyal but now is seeing just how quickly he can be forgotten GOD there is so much henriad in here i can’t handle it season one was act I without the politics and solely focused on the familial tension with the warrior king favoring the company of the rough upstart over his own intellectual son ((obviously very different characters, but from jughead’s pov, it had to have hurt that fp basically abandoned his real family for the serpents and had little sidebars with joaquin every other second), but now this season is fully into the politics the rebels are merging with the scots and it’s all hal i mean jughead can do to offer himself, the combat-green prodigal son, as a prize fighter compromise GOD I LOVE THIS SHOW

also he called the ghoulies “fops” that byron vibe is def deliberate

he has to say “crazy retro” to excuse the fact that the rest of this episode is (presumably) just going to get stylized as hell for zero in-world reason and 100% because these creators know we all love greaser aus and a show that brings our time period aus to life will have our hearts pretty much forever

speaking of i only went looking for fic for this show once and it was to check to see if there was a kevin/joaquin grease au and i want you all to know i’m disappointed in all of you

cheryl’s outfits are KILLING this episode dead

“i never told you those stories” oh my god. oh my god. i’ve said it so many times before but when this show does subtlety right it REALLY does it. because there is barely direct discussion of cheryl and jason being abused as kids but holy shit do we all know clifford and penelope were abusive as fuck or what

reggie is constantly ducklipping i honestly can’t even tell if his mouth is naturally like that or if the actor is HILARIOUS oh reggie. oh darling. rub my shoulders again that was a nice dream.

these two are over the top but in a delightful way they’ve solved the “flirty asshole persists after disinterested hottie” trope by making all reggie’s flirtations about HIS OWN BODY rather than josie’s which eliminates what makes that trope so skeezy and now instead we’re all just having fun right we’re into this i’m into this they pretend it’s all drunk hookups and eye rolling in public but behind closed doors they have a lot of cute giggly fooling around and even some sweet snuggles

god even this rando drug dealer is beautiful why is everyone so pretty

Oh god core four not in a good place in byron’s sexpot cave right now

yes juggie offering up people’s (including your own) LITERAL HOME is a great plan i mean i say including your own because we’re clearly supposed to see this as self sacrificing because the trailer is all jughead has but HE’S NOT THE ONLY FUCKER IN THE TRAILER PARK IS HE JESUS CHRIST

“Sharon” hahahahahaha i hope the black hood swaps his testes and eyeballs

also i think his face has healed too? what is in the WATER in riverdale?????

also too lets get real again a sec i’m really glad we’ve finally dropped the rape bomb because it’s a word that’s been absent from the dialogue so far and it needed to be said

I hope pop pissed on his fries


overalls. i’m kinda mad that no one was on board when i tried to make them cool in highschool and now apparently according to riverdale costumers they are A Thing

yass cheryl claws out i dont actually have anything worthwhile to say i just love my trash gothic eris daughter

this is possibly my fave veronica outfit holy shit it is so….. me.

also typical fucking parent reaction to sexual assault: “these things happen…. unless it’s to my own daughter then it’s inexcusable”

hermione and hiram be like “babe i’mma interrupt you real quick before you admit you’re a psychopath to our daughter” “thanks babe”

kevin fully acknowledges the hotness of byron which reminds me that the creators are clearly trying to get us all to forget about joaquin by throwing all these ethnically ambiguous pretty boys who dress like they’re in a band at us and it’s not working i tell you it’s NOT but i’m a little offended by how easily they keep pegging My Type like goddammit why am i so fucking predictable

byron’s hair every day is like my hair on like my best hair day of the year god i hate him

again i’m not much for cole sprouse face-wise but the all black is a DAMN good look on him everyone should just be in all black ft. leather jacket all the time it ups your hotness by at least three points

god i love how there is zero explanation for everyone’s adorably retro outfits to fit with the cars GOD i love this show

omg cheryl clearly channeling miss lana with another KILLER outfit god the girls are just KNOCKING IT OUT OF THE PARK in the wardrobe department this ep actually no you know what? the whole production design crew was having the time of their fucking lives all episode and i want to take a moment to thank each and every person on that crew for the tremendous job on such a fun episode theme

if cheryl and toni don’t bone down i’mma be cross

is byron’s second zayn malick? ((that’s the one i’m thinking of right? i don’t go there))

cheryl renders all sexualities meaningless with dem shorts

oh god jughead barely containing his glee while archie shrinks in terror in the passenger’s seat is such a Big Mood

that was… such an archie solution. poor boy. good boy. dumb boy.

hmm betty seems like she doesn’t recognize the name she doesn’t sound shocked or scared i was sort of suspecting someone we know

this is the BEST way dark!betty could possibly go holy shit man i was not about that plot line in season one but now i’m HERE for the good girl owning her darkness with agency not in a sexy goodgirl gone bad for our viewing pleasure kinda way but in a genuine way in which she has full ownership and control over herself fuck me this is some GOOD SHIT PREMIUM STUFF

OH DANG did not suspect that one. makes sense tho right.

oh no…. fred…. we know where this leads… nooo….


dammit black hood.

Episode scorecard (i keep forgetting to do this):

# of sick beat drop rhythmic editing moments: One that i counted- the drop/reveal of the sugarman’s identity

do I still miss joaquin: yes

episode hair mvp: Cheryl all around, but particularly her lana del ray headband and swoop

episode outfit mvp: four way tie between cheryl’s sunbathing outfit, cheryl’s black dress with the embroidery and choker, cheryl’s lana del rey outfit all together, and veronica’s plaid pencil skirt/lace up back top number that is like a better version of one of my most iconic outfits and i’m real jealous. honorable mentions to toni, betty and jughead at the race, as well as bryon’s ghouly den kimono ensamble, betty’s overalls, hermione’s “oh no so tragic to hear about this car accident” outfit, penelope’s extra af lace collars, cheryl’s patterned pants and many more this was a good episode for clothes.

cast and crew mvp: production design was having the time of their fucking lives in this one and it paid the fuck off. the costumes as mentioned above, but also environments like thistle house interior and the ghouly hangout really stood out with their detailing and strong genre motifs. standing ovation team. beautiful work.