neil's wisdom

I can believe things that are true and things that aren’t true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they’re true or not.

I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Beatles and Marilyn Monroe and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen - I believe that people are perfectable, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkled lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women.

I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone’s ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state.

I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste.

I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we’ll all be wiped out by the common cold like martians in War of the Worlds.

I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman.

I believe that mankind’s destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it’s aerodynamically impossible for a bumble bee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there’s a cat in a box somewhere who’s alive and dead at the same time (although if they don’t ever open the box to feed it it’ll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself.

I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn’t even know that I’m alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck.

I believe that anyone who says sex is overrated just hasn’t done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what’s going on will lie about the little things too.

I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman’s right to choose, a baby’s right to live, that while all human life is sacred there’s nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system.

I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you’re alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.

It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.
—  Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

The official new love of my live (one of but still). I had been waiting to read this masterpiece for so long and I loved every single second. Good Omens fans all around tumblr please come and talk to me I want to meet you all (and who haven’t reas it I highlt reccomend).

andrew gets his widsom teeth pulled

  • Andrew hates the dentist so much 
  • Like so many sharp objects and he feels so powerless so he avoids the dentist as much as possible
  • also Andrew got a cavity once and it was a horrible experience so he actually takes really good care of his teeth
  • one day Wymack forces Andrew to go to the dentist cuz he’s constantly complaining about a tooth ache and he finds out that he has to get his wisdom teeth removed
  • Andrew straight out refuses he says he would rather be in constant pain that allow a dentist to come near him with such sharp objects
  • But finally Wymack is able to talk him into the surgery
  • Andrew initially refused the laughing gas but after the dentist explains how much pain he’s gonna be in he reluctantly agrees to take it
  • Neil is of course with Andrew at the dentist and he records everything
  • and Andrew is hilarious when he’s on laughing gas
  • as he slowly wakes up from the surgery he looks so funny cuz his mouth is stuffed with a cotton swab and his sentences are all jumbled 
  • he looks at neil and asks “where am i?” but it comes out more like “way ham i?”
  • neil has to stop himself from laughing so instead he pats Andrew’s hand affectionately and says “at the dentist. your surgery went well”
  • Andrew just squints at him for a couple of seconds before saying “you’re so beautiful.” then he sluggishly reaches up and traces neil’s face with his finger
  • andrew just sighs and says “so beautiful”
  • on the drive home Andrew just keeps cracking jokes and neil loves this carefree Andrew
  • he knows it only for a couple hours so he records everything andrew says so he can remember it
  • when they get back to their apartment Andrew sees the cats and starts giggling before cuddling them
  • the cats look at Neil with confusion but snuggle with Andrew
  • he’s just mumbles into their fur “so soft. so warm”
  • after a couple hours the laughing gas starts wearing off and Andrew is going back to normal
  • so the next day Neil shows Andrew the recording of him when he was high and Andrew is horrified
  • he leans really close to Neil and says “Josten if anyone sees this video I will bury you in that construction site”
I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody. They don’t teach you how to be famous. They don’t teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don’t teach you how to walk away from someone you don’t love any longer. They don’t teach you how to know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. They don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s dying. They don’t teach you anything worth knowing.
—  Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, vol. 9: The Kindly Ones

I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.

—  Neil Gaiman
The problem, often not discovered until late in life, is that when you look for things in life like love, meaning, motivation, it implies they are sitting behind a tree or under a rock. The most successful people in life recognize, that in life they create their own love, they manufacture their own meaning, they generate their own motivation. For me, I am driven by two main philosophies, know more today about the world than I knew yesterday. And lessen the suffering of others. You’d be surprised how far that gets you.
—  Neil deGrasse Tyson
I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re doing something.
—  Neil Gaiman
You’re crossing the ocean on a wooden ship. One of the boards rots, so you replace it with another that you’ve stored on your hold. It is still the same ship? Most people will agree that it is. But what if, bit by bit, as you make your journey, your ships sustains more and more damage, so that by the time you reach your destination, you have substituted each piece with its counterpart and not a single piece remains unreplaced. Now is it the same ship? Why or why not? How much of a thing is its pattern and how much its physical material? I was fascinated by the question of whether and how long you could remain the same person after casting off part of your body or, for that matter, after casting part of your history, part of your personality, part of your life.
—  Neil LaBute