really struggling with my body image and self love tonight
i was at work today and my coworker/friend said something that really hurt me. i don’t know why i let it get to me, but i’ve been thinking about it ever since. so. the backstory. he’s a really, really good looking guy. we get along really well ever since he started working there, so somewhere around september. he comes around a lot when he’s not working, we hang out, we go for coffee… basically, we’re friends. we have inside jokes, we laugh, you get the idea. he always says that his main problem is that sometimes he just blurts things he shouldn’t but i always laugh it off.
today i mentioned me and K, another coworker are probably going to a spa. she’s one of my best friends and i love her, but for the purpose of this story let me just say one thing. she’s very pretty. and very skinny.
the guy, A, said ‘oh i’d invite myself along but you know, for K i’d have to go to the gym first for a few weeks, you know, haha, if it’d be just then then it’s fine but you know, haha, you get it, haha’.
i never entertained the idea of us being together romantically. but it’s still… i don’t know, it still hurt me for him to dismiss me outright, haha why would i make an effort for you, haha, you get it, you’re fat. he obviously thinks i’m waaaaaay out of his league (which is something i’ve been telling myself and is one of the main reasons why i never thought realistically of us being together) and well.. he obviously thinks so as well.
such a stupid thing to be upset about but… there you go.
damn it’s just one of those nights where i hate my body so much. i just want to fucking be skinny and i feel like no matter how much i work out i’m never going to get there CUZ MY FATASS CANT STOP EATING
i’m struggling guys. mostly with my binge eating. i just… can’t get it together. it’s exhausting, going to the store, buying all these healthy foods, trying to eat healthy and then inevitably bingeing again. i’m so… so so so tired. of constantly having to start over. to picking myself up after it. of trying to lose weight. of feeling SO shitty. inside and outside. all that leads to me isolating myself. i don’t feel like going out with friends, because it just exhausts me. i hate wearing the same things over and over again because nothing else fits me. my friend also made an offhand comment the other day about it and i felt so shitty i cancelled our plans for the next day (it involved dressing up and going to the opera and i just couldn’t bring myself to do it).
does anyone else ever feel like giving up? i’m just so tired of this cycle. i just don’t want to be overweight anymore. and at the same time i’m so tired of trying to lose weight.
to anyone else who may struggle w/ body image: when you find a cool pic of someone who looks like you, save it to a folder on your computer. make a virtual scrapbook of cool people who look like you. so the next time your brain is telling you you’re alone or miserable or ugly, open the folder. look at all of the incredible, beautiful, interesting people who prove you’re not alone. then you can quiet the negative voices, and smile at yourself in the mirror, and go be the brilliant person you already are 🌟
Two hours before this photo was taken, I was standing in the shower crying my eyes out wishing my mother were alive to tell me how beautiful I was. Instead my fiancé was nervously standing outside the shower stall reassuring me that I was not a disgusting blob of a human being who did not deserve his love. I felt such self-loathing because six months after purchasing my dress, it would not zip up all the way.
I could go on about how as I child I was taunted on a regular basis about my weight and how it has negatively affected my self-image, but the sad fact is I am still being taunted to this day. Only now it’s the endless bridal magazines that only feature women who are 50 pounds lighter and a foot taller than me. It’s the middle-aged women at my work that are constantly giving me weight loss tips without having asked for them. It’s my personal trainer reminding me that they can take my dress in two sizes when I have made it clear my ultimate goal is health, not weight loss. It’s my grandma who was adamant that I should not get a wedding dress one size up to be more comfortable because six months is a long time to lose 10 pounds.
WELL GUESS WHAT SOCIETY! I HAVE CURVES AND THEY ARE DAMN SEXY. Why is it that on the happiest day of my life I should be a starving skeleton like version of myself? I want to be round and soft so I can embrace my family and friends with an abundance of my being. Why are women expected to look like coat racks and give their wedding dresses all the attention? I am wearing my wedding, my dress it is not wearing me.
I just really want to know, who decided that becoming a bride means giving permission to be scrutinized by society? Being a bride, does not give you permission to talk about my weight. There is this revolutionary concept that all women are allowed to love the bodies they have and not be expected to want to change them to reflect your narrow definition of beauty.
I am a big girl, who loves a skinny boy. And I’ve dealt with a lot because of this. People never know why we’re together. People ask me if I intend to lose weight to make him happy. People flirt with him in front of me, assuming I am some friend because there is no way a thin man would choose such a big woman.
And I’ve been in recovery from an eating disorder for almost three years now, so I’ve dealt with my own negativity. I’ve had a lot of my own issues with my body, without all of this being added.
I’ve asked him a million times if I’d be happier if I was thinner. And on my bad days I picture that gorgeous girl he “deserves”.
But he loves me. My size is just a fact about me. It doesn’t matter.
If someone thinks you’re “too thin” or “too big” or “too muscular” or “not muscular enough” or “too tattooed” or absolutely anything, then that is their problem. It is not your job to adjust to what someone else wants you to be. Because you will find someone who loves even the things you hate about yourself.
I am a big girl who loves a skinny boy, and I wouldn’t change a thing about either of us.
My name is Abigail and if you’re interested in making friends or ever need a place to vent, my ask box is always open! (foundthroughtheupsanddowns.tumblr.com)
I really, really hate America’s/Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model. I think it’s cruel, unpleasant, vapid and sends out the worst possible message to the young girls who are glued to it every week. There’s more to life than looks and everyone is beautiful the way they are. This is not what this show preaches.