need my inhaler again

Exercise

So exercise and I have a love hate relationship. The only things I’ve found that I love and can stick with are yoga and an exercise bike. Best Wife surprised me with getting us an exercise bike for Mother’s Day!

I haven’t really exercised since I got diagnosed with asthma last December because it kicked my ass. Due to that and 2 rounds of an unholy amount of steroids I gained 20 pounds very rapidly.

Now I’ve been on a daily maintenance inhaler for two months and finally feel like I can move again without needing my rescue inhaler. So today for the first time I rode our exercise bike!

2 miles in 13 minutes. I am insanely proud of myself.

On a completely different note I just had to stop partway through my bike commute back to Somerville because my calf started cramping and also I started having a panic attack because apparently leg pain + bike path = remembering the time I walked all the way to Lexington from Arlington to see my ex + being able to feel things again = Trauma Time is Back Again

Personal Experiences: Sleep Paralysis

Around my sophomore year of high school, I began to have very vivid experiences regarding sleep paralysis. I wasn’t sure what is was at the time, I only knew that it terrified me. It wasn’t until my junior year, when I related these experiences to my psychiatrist, that she defined it as sleep paralysis, though she quickly dismissed it. I begun research of my own and found any stories of people who had gone through experiences similar to my own.

The first time it happened, I was lying in bed on my back. I remember being ‘awakened’ abruprly, for no real reason. I laid with my head turned to the right, and as I tried to close my eyes and resume sleeping, I realized that I couldn’t move. Never feeling anything like this before, I quickly began to panic, trying to throw myself off the bed, but I struggled to even wiggle a finger, let alone roll over. In the midst of my panic, I heard a sharp breath, an inhale, come from my left, the opposite direction my head was turned. I stopped struggling, afraid I would be successful in moving and disturb who or what ever had made the noise. An overwhelming sense of dread begun to come over me, this feeling of absolute terror that I have yet to feel the likes of again, even years later. I was absolutely certain that whatever was next to me was the epitome of evil. I don’t remember falling asleep, only waking the next morning and immediately leaping out of bed, my thoughts still on that thing to my left. Of course, there was nothing there.

The next experience I can recall, I opened my eyes and saw only pure blackness, which was uncharacteristic for my room, as I always slept with some sort of light on. There was a heavy pressure pushing against my chest, knocking the air out of me. It was almost as if I was being burrowed into, the weight was so intense. My only thought was that I needed my inhaler, or I would suffocate. Once again I struggled to move somehow, but as the thought came into my mind I felt hands, not an indescrinable pressure, but actual, cold hands with long nails and a leathery texture, pinning down my arm via a strong grip on my forearm area. I remember a panic setting in, but from there I remember nothing else, only waking up the next day and checking my arms for bruises. Naturally, nothing was there.

My next, and most terrifying experience was the only one in which there was sound. I opened my eyes suddenly to a bright light shining through my large windows. The small, however, was pitch black. I remember the light being so piercing that I wanted to turn my head, but knew by now that would not be possible. As the light grew brighter, everything in my room began shaking violently. Everything except for my bed. I tried to force out a scream but the only thing that came out was a pathetic choking noise. My window suddenly burst, the sound of shattering glass so loud that I was positive it would wake up the rest of the household, and expected knocking at any minute. No one came. Pieces of glass flew everything, and I had the distinct feeling that someone, or something, was slithering across my floor. I was certain I was going to die.

I woke up shortly after to a quiet, ordinary night.

Those are just a few of my experiences with sleep paralysis, I have been dying to share them forever but never quite found anyone who understood. I hope on reading this, at least one other person has had relatable experiences.

EXCUSE ME, I STILL NEED A MOMENT

That said, it just hit me that we asthmatics are fucking badass.

Most people wake up unable to breathe with their lungs >30% blocked, wheezing and coughing so hard their chest hurts, they (rightly) go, “Holy crap! I feel like shit, I might be dying! I should go to the hospital!”

Asthmatics are just like, “Fucking asthma again. Damn it, I’m gonna need to take my inhaler and be shaky all morning. This is so friggin’ annoying.”

Asthmatics: We view partial suffocation on our own lungs as an annoyance. And then we treat it, get up, and go about our business as normal.

And that, folks, is why I laugh and laugh and laugh at the stereotype of asthmatics as lazy wimps. We’re people who view suffocation as an annoyance and then get up and go about our daily lives like normal after we deal with it. If we’re the lazy wimps, what the fuck are the rest of you?

My Personal Experience: Sleep Paralysis

“Around my sophomore year of high school, I began to have very vivid experiences regarding sleep paralysis. I wasn’t sure what is was at the time, I only knew that it terrified me. It wasn’t until my junior year, when I related these experiences to my psychiatrist, that she defined it as sleep paralysis, though she quickly dismissed it. I begun research of my own and found any stories of people who had gone through experiences similar to my own.

The first time it happened, I was lying in bed on my back. I remember being ‘awakened’ abruprly, for no real reason. I laid with my head turned to the right, and as I tried to close my eyes and resume sleeping, I realized that I couldn’t move. Never feeling anything like this before, I quickly began to panic, trying to throw myself off the bed, but I struggled to even wiggle a finger, let alone roll over. In the midst of my panic, I heard a sharp breath, an inhale, come from my left, the opposite direction my head was turned. I stopped struggling, afraid I would be successful in moving and disturb who or what ever had made the noise. An overwhelming sense of dread begun to come over me, this feeling of absolute terror that I have yet to feel the likes of again, even years later. I was absolutely certain that whatever was next to me was the epitome of evil. I don’t remember falling asleep, only waking the next morning and immediately leaping out of bed, my thoughts still on that thing to my left. Of course, there was nothing there.

The next experience I can recall, I opened my eyes and saw only pure blackness, which was uncharacteristic for my room, as I always slept with some sort of light on. There was a heavy pressure pushing against my chest, knocking the air out of me. It was almost as if I was being burrowed into, the weight was so intense. My only thought was that I needed my inhaler, or I would suffocate. Once again I struggled to move somehow, but as the thought came into my mind I felt hands, not an indescrinable pressure, but actual, cold hands with long nails and a leathery texture, pinning down my arm via a strong grip on my forearm area. I remember a panic setting in, but from there I remember nothing else, only waking up the next day and checking my arms for bruises. Naturally, nothing was there.

My next, and most terrifying experience was the only one in which there was sound. I opened my eyes suddenly to a bright light shining through my large windows. The small, however, was pitch black. I remember the light being so piercing that I wanted to turn my head, but knew by now that would not be possible. As the light grew brighter, everything in my room began shaking violently. Everything except for my bed. I tried to force out a scream but the only thing that came out was a pathetic choking noise. My window suddenly burst, the sound of shattering glass so loud that I was positive it would wake up the rest of the household, and expected knocking at any minute. No one came. Pieces of glass flew everything, and I had the distinct feeling that someone, or something, was slithering across my floor. I was certain I was going to die.

I woke up shortly after to a quiet, ordinary night.

Those are just a few of my experiences with sleep paralysis, I have been dying to share them forever but never quite found anyone who understood. I hope on reading this, at least one other person has had relatable experiences.”

By: @smellyfornia