i really don’t like that ‘pride month calendar’ that comes around every year where every day is split off for a different group, like ‘june 2 is for nb people, june 3 is for bisexuals, june 4 is for asexuals, etc’ like…….. no…… the whole month is for everyone to celebrate, we don’t have to split it off
Coming to terms with her sexuality hadn’t exactly been easy, but Alex thought that it had gone well enough and she knows how lucky she is to have so many special people in her life who were nothing but supportive of her.
But most of those people simply accepted her, while Maggie knew exactly what she was going through. “Read up on LGBT+ issues, it’ll be good, Danvers. You’ll see that you aren’t the only one who’s going through all this. You aren’t alone.” Maggie had said, making Alex roll her eyes.
“I know that, Maggie, you’re here. I’m not alone.” she had replied.
“I know, babe, but you need to know that there’s an entire community out there who will support you. You might not feel like it now, but you need more than one person as your safe-net, okay?”
Alex had crossed her arms and huffed stubbornly. “I’m gay, Maggie, I know there are a bunch of other people like me out there… J-Just look at how big our Pride Parade is…”
Maggie had mirrored Alex’s stance, crossing her arms, and narrowing her eyes at her girlfriend. “Okay… But being part of this community is more than just being gay, lesbian, or bi. Babe,” Maggie sighed, “You lived your entire life trying to fit in a box, and now you’re just starting to peek out of it. There’s a whole world of concepts and issues that you probably haven’t even heard of, okay? Just- just read up, educate yourself, and I guarantee you’ll find clarity for things you hadn’t even given too much thought about, alright??”
Reluctantly, Alex had nodded in agreement.
And that’s how she had found herself up until four AM, three nights in row, reading up on sexuality and gender. It felt good; some stories had made Alex cry, others had filled her with hope and joy, and she really did feel a connection with people she had never even met.
A couple of months had passed since then; life had been going as well as you could expect when you deal with bad guys and evil organizations on a daily basis, but everything was worth it, because Alex got to go home to Maggie every night.
“Tough day, babe?” Maggie asked, handing Alex a glass of wine, and giving her a sweet kiss.
Alex kissed Maggie back, and gladly accepted the drink. “Just the usual stuff.” she said, trying to shrug it off.
“C’mon, Ally, you know you can tell me anything.” Maggie said with a smile, but it soon disappeared when she saw Alex frowning at her. “What? Did something really bad happen?” She was getting worried.
“Uh…no… you just…” Alex worried her bottom lip, trying to make sense of her discomfort. “You just…y-you called me Ally…”
Maggie tilted her head, frown still in place, “You don’t like it?”
“I…” God, why was she being so annoying about a nickname? Alex mentally chastised herself, but her stomach had dropped at the new name, and that feeling was just too damn familiar… “It just… It makes me feel the same way when my mother calls me Alexandra… I’m sorry, Maggie, I’m just being a pain. Forget I sai-”
A/N: tw for internalized transphobia and mention of dysphoria. Also friendly reminder English is my second language ;)
“We need to talk.”
The last thing Maggie expected to find when coming home was her girlfriend looking grave sitting on the couch and uttering those words while she barely was through the door. She imediately braced herself for what was to come; she had heard those words numerous times before and it rarely ended well.
“Oookay… Wait, are you drunk?” Maggie noticed now the half empty bottle of scotch on the table, the bloodshot eyes and the slight swaying of her body.
“Pleaaase, it’s important Maggiiiie.” She whined, slurring her words. Yep, definitively intoxicated.
“You’re drunk, Alex. I think that whatever it is, it can wait tomorrow when you’ll be sober.” She crossed her arms and arched an eyebrow.
“No, it can’t. I c-can’t talk about it sober. Pleaaase, Maggie. I need to tell you know before I chicken out.”
Seeing Alex so distressed, Maggie couldn’t help but soften slightly. “Okay, I’m listening.” She sit on the couch beside her girlfriend. But Alex was staying silent, head down, worrying her lips and playing with her fingers.
“Hey sweetie, look at me. It’s okay. It’s okay. Whatever it is, it will be okay.” She reached a hand to her shoulder and gently stroked it with her thumb.
“No, no, Maggie, you can’t tell me it’ll be okay. Once you know… O-once you know… I’m scared, I’m so sc-scared, M-mags…”
“Scared of what?”
“T-that you won’t want me anymore…”
“Why? Why would I wouldn’t want you, Alex? What’s wrong?”
She pointed at herself and then gestured wildly around. “Me. I’m wrong. I- i- I’m all wrong and you’re a lesbian…”
“What the fact that I’m a lesbian has to do with that?” Maggie asked, frowning.
“Because you like girls, and I- I- I’m not…” She shook her head and let out a strangled sob. “I just hate it all, Maggie. I didn’t realised before, but now it’s all I can think about. All I can feel. Like- like my skin is wrong. Everything is wrong, but I don’t know how to change it. Except now I know why. I finally got a word for it. But it doesn’t match with your word. It doesn’t go with lesbian. Because- because-…”
“…You’re not a girl.” She finished for her.
“So what are you? A boy?”
She shakes her head.
“Something else then? You’re nonbinary?”
Alex nodded again and heaved a sigh, relieved that Maggie had somehow get what she meant from her incoherent rambling.
“Oh sweetie. I’m not gonna leave you for that.” She cupped Alex’s jaw with her palm. “You hear me, babe? It’s okay you’re enby; I still love you whatever your gender is.”
She opened her arms and Alex immediately snuggled into her side, burried her face into her shoulder and let heart-breaking, relieved sobs. Maggie rocked her gently, soothingly.
“Shh, baby, it’s okay.” Alex gripped a fistful of Maggie’s t-shirt.
“You know, technically I identify as queer. I like girls, yes, but I’m quite flexible. I mean, I’ve dated aliens, so I should be, right? Anyway, I fell in love with you, not your gender, okay?”
They stayed there, sitting on the couch, Alex slowly relaxing in her girlfriend’s warm embrace, and finally, when she was calm enough, Maggie desentangled herself and sit up.
“Okay, now you’re gonna drink water and go to bed, and tomorrow we’ll discuss this further, okay?” Alex nod and get up with the help of steadying hand from Maggie.
“You’re really okay with me being nonbinary?” Alex asked, almost timidly.
“Yes, Al, I am. I’m totally, one hundred percent okay with it. Now go to bed.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, so much. And I’m so proud of you Ally.”
Your gender and identity is in no way “too confusing” or elaborate. You have the right to be you, and you don’t have to let anyone make you feel bad for that. Gender can be hard and beautiful and complicated and an ongoing journey. You might need a dozen labels just to describe it to yourself, and that’s okay! You might only need one, and that’s okay!
You have the right to be the awesome person we all know you are. Embrace your gender. Ignore those who try to beat you down for it. Don’t give them that power over you.
yet again posting late, but at least i finished it? this one was hard to write, but i’m vaguely satisfied how it came out. the rough draft that became this had actually been sitting around for months, and ‘today’s’ theme provided the skeleton i needed to finish it. hope you like, @queercapwriting!
no title because it is past 2AM and nothing good comes to mind. also completely unedited as last time.
content warning: dysphoria, also she/her pronouns used through whole fic for maggie, who isn’t anywhere near trying others yet. also for alcohol/intoxication, obviously.
It’s one of those
days, where she pulled her hair
back because no matter how hard she tried it wouldn’t fall right,
where her clothes don’t sit right and the only bra she could stand
was a sports bra. When it feels like something inside her has shifted
out of alignment, tried to come into new focus, and
thrown everything off instead
– but Maggie has learned how not to look, how to ignore it. Almost,
if she’s being truthful she’s knows exactly what’s wrong, why these
days always leave her feeling worn and frayed around the edges.
More so than usual. She knows
and that scares her,
because acknowledging it
means upending the identity she’s built, because acknowledging it
means she’s even more other
in a world that already
wants to pretend she doesn’t
exist. So Maggie ignores it,
keeps her mouth shut, denies
it even to herself.
it to herself, even though she can feel herself unraveling a little
more every time she pushes it back down. Every time she bites back
the words “I know,” or “I feel that too,” when she’s talking
to Park or to Adrian. Every
time she pushes Alex away, when things get heated, because it
is too strong right then and
makes her stomach knot at the thought of sex, at
the thought of Alex seeing and touching her naked body, but
doesn’t ever let herself acknowledge the why.As
every “she,” every “her,” every “girlfriend” strikes
her ears… not completely
wrong, but hollow, empty.
Like something is being missed, is being overlooked.
it’s one of those days
and it’s also been
a long day, by the time she and Alex get to game night at Kara’s. A
long and tiring day at work, in the aftermath of the Daxamite
invasion – working with people who don’t give a fuck about so many
of the lives up-heaved by the destruction because they weren’t human,
because even the humans weren’t middle class and white. It’s been a
long day, and Maggie is
frayed down past her skin, to the point where ignoring it
is becoming next
tries, though. Tries to distract herself, to bury it. Because
Alex is here, pressed into her side, laughing into her shoulder.
Alex, who has brought love and light and family into Maggie’s life,
at a time when she’d started to give up on those things. Alex, who
wants to marry Maggie.
Alex, who Maggie
doesn’t want to lose. Is afraid of losing, if she voices it.
by the time Alex gently squeezes Maggie’s shoulder, says she’s ready
to leave, Maggie is on her… fifth? sixth? beer. She realizes she
probably shouldn’t be drinking this much, not in front of Alex, but
she’s just this side of falling apart at the seams and the buzz form
the alcohol is almost enough to take the edge off the static-y buzz
that’s been settled underneath her skin since sometime around noon.
wobbles and stumbles on the way into the elevator, Alex expertly
catching and steadying her as the doors close.
calling a cab,” Alex says, already pulling out her phone.
don’t have to,” Maggie slurs into Alex’s shoulder. “I’ll give you
the keys, trust you with my bike.”
you’re drunk,” Alex says. “You’re not getting on a bike at all
stumbles about as gracefully into the cab as she had the elevator and
Alex has to help her with her seatbelt. Has to help Maggie out once
they’re at Alex’s apartment building, too. Out of the cab, up the
elevator, staying close to Maggie all the to the apartment proper.
Once inside, Alex directs Maggie to the couch, to sit down. Goes to
the kitchen and comes back with a glass of water, which she presses
into Maggie’s hands. Makes Maggie drink half of it right then and
gonna tell me what’s eating at you, Mags?” Alex asks, and Maggie
swallows in response. Of course Alex has noticed, noticed that
something is wrong. Because she is Alex, and she pays
attention to Maggie in a way few people ever have. “You can tell me
anything, babygirl. I’m here, okay?”
doesn’t want to tense but she does, that carefully ignored part of
her being nowhere near okay with being ‘babygirl’. Alex notices that
too of course, and she asks again what’s wrong, but also she says it
again – calls Maggie 'babygirl’ – and somehow, somehow Maggie
will never know exactly how, she finds the words to speak.
– please don’t call me that right now,” Maggie asks. “Not
'babygirl'” And Alex, perfect, amazing Alex, agrees without
don’t have to talk to me if you’re not ready,” Alex says, “but
I’m here when you are. Okay, sweetheart?”
isn’t sure if she’ll ever be ready to talk about this, to give
voice to it, but even still as drunk as is she’s pretty sure that she
needs to, if she’s going to keep herself from falling
completely apart. So Maggie is caught between not at all telling and
almost nearly telling – the words forming half jumbled in her mind
and beginning to bubble up her throat, but fizzing in her mouth so
all that comes out is air. She shakes her head and tells Alex later,
later, later – it’s still too soon, too undefined, too scary.
Alex just pulls her in and rubs her back and kisses the top of her
Maggie has cried herself out, Alex makes her drink more water, helps
her into sweats and a hoodie, even braids Maggie’s hair back when her
own hands fumble at the sections. Helps her up the steps to the bed
and lays down behind her after turning out the light, pulling Maggie
close and whispering a soft 'I love you’ into the back of her neck.
Maggie can only hope she doesn’t lose that, once she’s finally voiced
next morning, before Maggie hops on her bike to go to work, she pulls
out her phone and stares at the contact list for a little bit,
building her courage before tapping Park’s picture.
Maggie Sawyer: hey, you free for lunch today?
Maggie Sawyer: there’s something i wanna talk to you about
Park: yeah, sure
H. Park: there’s
this new place in koreatown i wanna try, sound good to you?
Just a quick shout-out to @syllabicacronyms for the tattoo
and Alien stuff – we’ve been talking buddies for a while and the idea of Alien
and half-Alien Alex Danvers came up. I
tweaked a few things (And this will end up being a series outside of #SanversWeek
I believe) but the idea of Alex having tattoos from her species’ cultural stuff
was completely their idea, and they’ve given me permission to use this idea as
long as I give recognition, and I refuse to not hand out recognition when it’s