nats rambles

I didn’t realize how much spongebob I really knew until y'all started posting captioned screenshots and I could fully reconstruct both the visual and auditory situations of each and every goddamn one. Can’t study for History of the English Language but by fuck do I remember what that one voice actor of that one fish from that one episode sounds like to the damn syllable.

Favorite Homestuck moments outside of the comic #8759402:

When Hussie wanted to print the official SBaHJ book and got a mile-long list back from the publisher explaining potential typos and corrections he should make before printing.

And Hussie had to hand initial each and every concern to convince them this was indeed something he wanted to put to paper and ink.

Dirk is the hardest character to write because he is equal parts the emotional wreck who texts you roughly 3,598 words of Feelings at 4AM when he knows you’re asleep and the aloof asshole who texts “jk” at 5AM when he’s calmed down and then refuses to entertain the notion that any such breakdown ever happened

Anyone else kind of get the feeling that the WeLoveFine Homestuck store is almost Too Much? I spent years craving more diverse Homestuck merch but honestly it’s getting irritating having to shift through 8000 uninspired bagflaps and 450 ill-formatted Ikimaru drawings slapped onto any fabric within WeLoveFine’s direct reach just for the rare chance of finding a piece of merch that isn’t a cringefest or Character’s Shirt Icon Slapped Onto [insert literally anything here] #457902. Merch shopping isn’t supposed to be a treasure hunt. I shouldn’t have to click “T-shirts,” pull out a shovel, and start digging through 50+ pages of extraneous merch.

If we’re being real here Alpha Dave’s shitty .jpegs were canonly so shitty they gave the person who bought them money. So I propose the following:

Dave and Rose’s ultimate act as anti-consumerism jesuses was to saturate the economy Neopets-style by generating so much excess cash from nowhere that hyperinflation causes the USD to plummet, whereby flatlining the 1% and forcing the American people (as well as the rest of the world) to resort to a local bartering system rather than depend on purchasing their basic necessities from megacorporations who may or may not want to take over the Earth.

Oh my god what if Jake took Dirk on a surprise autumn date to a stable. Jake expects it to be romantic but really he’s just playing third wheel to an entire species of animals. Dirk doesn’t even talk to Jake. For 2 hours. Dirk just feeds horses sugar cubes and carrots and nuzzles their faces. 3 hours. Jake brought a picnic but Dirk won’t leave the barn. 4 hours. Jake is watching Netflix on his phone. Dirk has become the horse whisperer.

>gets famous
>makes millions
>is respected in my field
>sets aside extraordinary amounts of money
>won’t answer any questions concerning my plans for it
>privately assembles a group of prestigious animators from all across the world
>invites them to a business meeting on my 5 million dollar yacht
>sits down to a world class meal by a famed sushi chef, surrounded by my new team
>“I realize you don’t know why I’ve assembled you here, but it’s really quite simple.”
>The paneled wall behind me lowers to reveal a flatscreen television.
>With the click of a button, an image of Alpha Dave and Rose appears behind me.
>“Are you aware of who these characters are?” I ask. “If not, I’ve provided the necessary materials in the folder before you.”
>The animators look through the folder. It’s just the 5 canon pictures of Alpha Dave and Rose.
>When they glance back up I look all of them deep in the eyes.
>Click another button.
>“I Want It All,” as performed by Sharpay and Ryan from High School Musical 3, begins to echo across the boardroom.
>No one moves.
>“You’re beginning to realize why you’re here, then,” I start, slowly.
>“I’ve secured the rights to this song from Disney by no small measure.”
>I narrow my eyes.
>“Your task: to animate the rise and fall of Alpha Universe Dave Strider and Rose Lalonde, and subsequently the Alpha Universe as a whole, to the beat of it.”
>“To a song from High School Musical 3?” a foolish, mocking animator asks. He will soon be thrown to the sharks.
>“Yes,” I say. “To ‘I Want It All’ from High School Musical 3.”

Tbh Hussie is apparently not the head writer on Hiveswap… which combined with the fact that 0% of the final upd8s were drawn by him… leads me to believe Hussie has spent the last 2 years exclusively dealing in the underground rare horse blackmarket while simultaneously determining the best way to brag on Twitter about how much he helped Toby Fox with the infinitely more successful Undertale. How the man finds so much time in his days is incredible.

Homestuck Kids Finals Headcanons:

John: Standard studier. There’s a few loose pages of paper here and there or maybe a highlight or two but it’s mostly just him and his notebook and an energy drink+some sort of healthy green smoothy concoction. (“it’s the chemistry-perfected slime of STRENGTH, rose.”)

Dave: Scraps of paper everywhere. Some smaller than his thumb. Half of them are stolen by a thieving bird taking advantage of an open window. He cries for, like, two hours.

Rose: Kept highlighting random bullshit with nods and hums so she could watch her peers nervously squirm and wonder if they missed something important. Has no idea what the class is even on. Has an essay fluffed with the unabridged thesaurus taking up half her desk, regardless.

Jade: Asleep on her textbook. When she wakes up she snaps it shut and decides to wing it.

Things Dirk Strider will do in the new universe:

-Get hyperfocused and obnoxiously clinical about the community garden. Measures the water with a graduated cylinder. Keeps detailed reports of each plant’s growth. Accidentally names a few after classical philosophers and rap artists. Jade paints him little signs for his favorites. Rose throws him a small, ironic funeral when Plato and Tupac get trampled on a particularly windy day.

-Come to the earth-shattering conclusion that he’s really, really terrible at sports. Like, holy shit. It’s bad. His mind tries to cross-calculate applied force and windspeed and height and arc and – oh look, Jake has scored a goal again.

-Be co-captain of the scientific board championing the movement to figure out if Carapaces have dicks.

-Absolutely destroy Dave in a rap battle. Meanwhile Rose is studying gothic poetry with a sick beat playing in the background, plotting revenge for her brother’s honor.

-Somehow convince John that he subsisted entirely off of Gushers when he was a child. Because that shit doesn’t go bad, John. I was a meek, starving kid stranded in the post-apocalypse. I’m not proud of it – but I did what I had to do with what I could do. John looks a bit queasy and gives Dirk an extra big portion when it’s his turn to cook dinner.

-Awkwardly sidestep every parental, comforting hug Roxy, Jane, and Dad try to give him. They’re getting desperate. Dirk has a conspiracy theory they’re all in cahoots to finally corner him.

-Alpha kid cuddle piles ft. Calliope. Though this one goes without saying.

I’m so excited for Hiveswap. I really feel like it’s a return to Homestuck’s roots. I feel like batshit hijinks and funny prose only subliminally laced with characters’ true emotions was lost in the back half of Act 6 to these large, jarring swathes of dialogless action and characters just standing around doing nothing but feeling Sad™. I’m so pumped for fresh faces, for fresh dialog, for weird sylladex bullshit, for crazy, quirky guardian shenanigans. I’m excited for lore, and plot, and this pitiful emotion called Friendship. I’m excited for the 90s setting. I’m excited for true sibling characters. I can’t wait to meet all of them. I can’t wait for Hiveswap.

Old people act like text speak and the influx of acronyms in written word were crafted by teenagers specifically to be lazy/to spite them instead of it simply being a brand of efficient lingo coined around the severe technical limitations of early 2000s flip phone keypads that has made a lasting impact on vocabulary today. smh.