Fact 4604: The film American Pie almost didn’t get made, but the studio eventually couldn’t resist the original title of its screenplay, “Untitled Teenage Sex Comedy That Can Be Made For Under $10 Million That Most Readers Will Probably Hate But I Think You Will Love”.

24 Questions Americans have for the British

I really hate this shit, someone set me this on Facebook, today and it really boiled my piss, so here’s my response.

1. Why do you call cookies “biscuits”?

I don’t know, why do you call biscuits cookies? you know its ok for people in other countries have other names for things, its ok…

2. Why would you eat something called spotted dick?

Because people with a childish sense of humor find it funny, why not?

3. In fact, why are most of your food names sexual?

They aren’t. Move on.

4. Why do your judges still wear powdered wigs?

Because we have tradition and a sense of history, and we are eccentric, and again, people in other countries are allowed to do things differently.

5. Why do you call diapers “nappies”?

Why not? what is more appropriate about the word diaper?

6. How many times do you need be reminded to mind the damn gap?

Thats rich considering the US has had the warning “contents may be hot” on coffee cups at McDonalds for decades.

7. Why do you drink tea in literally every situation?

Because its bloody tea !!!

8. How on earth do you deal with the weather?

Drink more tea and grow a pair of balls.

9. Why do you all strip down when you see the slightest bit of sun?

Because it might be decades before we see it again.

10. Why do you think Marmite tastes good?

Most of us think it tastes like the arse-scrapings of the devil

11. Why do you have two taps instead of one?

Because it makes making tea easier.

12. What the hell is the deal with cricket?

See Baseball.

13. Why do you lose your accents when you sing?

I don’t think we do, I think signing makes pronunciation fairly neutral for both accents, apart from Blink 182, Rolling Stones and Kermit the Frog.

14. Speaking of accents, why do you all have SOOO many?

To fool tourists.

15. How come your newspaper headlines are on a whole different level?

Because nothing ever happens so we need to jazz it up.

16. Why are you all so stoic?

Its just the calm before we all get paralytically drunk.

17. How many BBC channels do you have?

Too many, when I was a kid there were only 3 channels at all and 2 of them were BBC

18. Why do you think men wearing dresses is the epitome of comedy?

Tyler Perry? Mrs Doubtfire? Tootsie? yeah….

19. What do you want to be called? Britain, Great Britain, England, the United Kingdom, or the UK?

I want to be called English because I’m from England, and trust me the Scots what to be called Scottish and the Welsh want not to be called Sheep-shaggers, the term British describes the residence of the island of Britain, on which we all live and hate each other.

20. How come you’re so obsessed with the royal family?

This is absolute bollocks, I see more magazine covers with the English monarchy the front at the check out isle in the US than I ever see back home.

21. Why do you pluralize “math”?

Because there are many branches of Mathematics.

22. How is Mint Sauce a condiment?

It goes with Lamb and nothing else which isn’t a common meat in the US.

23. Why do you call lines “queues”?

Because we fucking do, get over it.

24. And finally, how come your cursing and slang is so much better than ours?

Constant practice and dedication, now fuck off.