Natasha’s mission: To spy on Fury and the KGB agent he’s captured and been interrogating.
Clint’s mission: To mime out the entirety of the viral “octopus&puppy r 2 cute 4 words” video he found during lunch.
I’ve wanted an excuse to draw Catherine Tate’s ridiculous faces for ages, and finally did it with Clint. I didn’t even BEGIN to do Tate justice, but it was a barrel of fun, so have a Doctor Who reference~
Bucky rolled his eyes. “Oh my God, you had Tony eating out of the palm of your hand. Why are you not fucking him right now?”
Steve cringed. “…Because I made a mistake.”
Bucky turned to scowl at him. “How in the fuck did you mess up right before sealing the deal?”
“I, uh, well.” Steve blushed bright red. “We were… making out. And talking. …Dirtily.”
Bucky sat up straight. “Steve, you’ve never talked dirty in your life unless it was swearing like a sailor.”
“I know,” Steve hissed, glaring at him. “Which is how I made the mistake! Don’t tell Natasha because she’ll murder me!”
“Fine.” Bucky was going to tell Natasha all about this. “And what mistake was that?”
“I! Um!” Steve turned away abruptly, rubbing his arm. “…Tony said. Um. That he’d been naughty. And needed to be punished.”
“Oh nooo,” Bucky whispered, hands going to his cheeks.
“And I kind of panicked, you know, because Tony, uh. He’s kind of. Self-destructive sometimes.”
Bucky continued to stare at him in awe, and wondered if this was what watching a train wreck was like.
“So I said–” Steve stopped, then swallowed thickly. “I said, ‘it’s okay, I forgive you. We all make mistakes.’”
This was a train wreck caused by smashing into a wall of baby bunnies holy shit.
“So, uh. Well, it took Tony a minute to realize what I’d said. And then he did. And. Um.” Steve stared out the window. “He walked into the bathroom and he’s been in there for fifteen minutes.”
“Steve, you fucking idiot,” Bucky whispered.
Steve groaned and collapsed onto the floor. “I know, okay?!”
The door to their apartment burst open, and there was Natasha. “Why did I get an SOS text from Tony?!”
Steve gaped at her, terrified.
“…Steve made a mistake,” Bucky answered quickly, perfectly willing to throw his best friend under the bus. “He’s in the bathroom.”
“If he’s bleeding,” Natasha hissed, letting the threat hang there as she stalked to the bathroom.
Steve stared at the ceiling, resigned. His mom had always worried that he wouldn’t make it to thirty-five. He should have known she’d been just as worried about him saying the wrong thing as she was him coughing his lungs out.
He cringed as he heard Natasha burst out laughing, but it was quickly muffled, and then there were hurried whispers. A few minutes later, she exited the bathroom, shutting the door quietly behind her. She was grinning.
“Do you always grin before you murder people?” Steve asked sadly.
“Bucky, come fuck me at my place,” she ordered cheerfully. “Steve, see to Tony.”
“What,” Steve said, but she’d already grabbed Bucky’s ear and was dragging him out–not that he looked too put-out about it. He watched the door close behind them, then awkwardly got to his feet and approached the bathroom. “Um. Tony? Can I come in?”
The door opened just a crack, and he slipped inside.
His stomach fell to the floor when he saw tears running down Tony’s cheeks. “Oh my God.”
Tony peeked up at him, then threw his head back and slid down the toilet so his back was on the lid instead of his butt. His entire body was shaking, and he covered his mouth. “St-!”
“I’m sorry,” Steve said hurriedly. “I didn’t mean to–Are you fucking laughing?!” he shouted when he realized that the other man was grinning.
Tony waved his free hand frantically, little wheezing noises escaping from between his fingers.
“I can’t believe this! I thought–I thought I’d ruined everything, and you just came in here to laugh?!” Steve exclaimed, but it was hard to stay angry when Tony finally let out a bark of laughter as he slid off the toilet and onto the floor. “Yeah, laugh it up, you dick!”
Tony wrapped his arms around his stomach, once again laughing so hard that he was making no sounds except for tiny wheezes.
Steve couldn’t help the smile that came to his lips. “I thought Natasha was going to murder me, Tony!”
“HAAAHAHA!” Tony rocked onto his other side, kicking his feet wildly.
“Tony!” Steve grabbed his shoulders so he wouldn’t knock himself out on the tub. “It’s not that funny!”
“You were so earnest,” Tony sobbed out, grinning. “Oh my God!”
Steve rolled his eyes, smiling fondly, and bent down to kiss his laughing mouth. “Well, how was I supposed to know what was going on?”
“I expected you to say I needed a spanking or something,” Tony admitted, lifting a hand to wipe his eyes. “Oh God! Do I have abs? I feel like I should have abs from how hard and long I laughed.”
Steve grinned, which then faded into an awkward smile. “Um. I’m hard and long.”
“STEVE!” Tony screeched, bursting into laughter again, but took some of the sting out of it by pressing giggly, open-mouthed kisses to his jaw and neck. “That was awful!”
“Yeah,” Steve admitted, but couldn’t bring himself to be actually embarrassed. “Why did you send Natasha an SOS text if you were just in here laughing?”
“I wasn’t trying to, I was trying to type out what had happened, but I was laughing so hard the words got mixed up and she thought something was wrong.”
Steve paused. “…What do I have to do to keep you from telling everyone?”
“Everyone already knows!” Tony laughed. “Natasha sent a group text about it!”
“Aw, fuck!” Steve swore, because God damn it now Clint and Sam were going to be insufferable.
Tony drew him down for another kiss, laughing quietly into his mouth. “’ll make it worth your while?” he offered, smiling up at him.
“…I mean, I might as well get sex if my friends are going to torment me,” Steve decided, and rolled his eyes when Tony burst out laughing and sputtering ‘no okay I’ll calm down in a minute I swear!’
Some more IronWidow Bros thoughts because I love protective!Nat but I also like to imagine
Tony and Nat being absolute shitheads together that throw each other under the bus, literally and figuratively speaking, all the time (but may god have mercy on the poor soul who tries to join in because they will destroy them)
Nat shamelessly using Tony’s money, reputation and status when she’s off-mission and trying to get out of uncomfortable situations, piss off entitled business men or just wants to get ahead in the Starbucks line because she’s ‘best friends with Iron Man!’
Tony shamelessly threatening the other team mates with Nat’s terrifying knife-abilities to get them to clean up after them, do their chores etc. He does the same with politicians who just won’t back off occasionally
Tony and Nat being Those Friends™ who always back each others’ choice for movies/food/activities/excuses and that’s why they always get their way
Tony being the only person allowed to serve Nat tea and soup and cough syrup when she’s sick–anyone else will face denial and endless pain because Natasha Romanov does not get sick
Nat backing Tony’s suggestions during team meets and in the field even when they sound ridiculous and will probably get everyone killed because like hell is she not gonna be right by his side when he Blows Shit Up
another thing we need to talk about: the chorus’s upbeat, flippant “there’s a war going on out there, somewhere” when andrey isn’t there, versus andrey’s very slow, grave delivery of “there’s a war going on”