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Narnie and Phoebe's History Fun Facts*
  • Queen Victoria actually did say “We are not amused” after she and some mates went to see the new Adam Sandler movie.
  • Henry VIII invented eggs.
  • Elves invented Poached eggs.
  • The Magna-carter was actually the secret recipe to the perfect poached eggs, but it is written in elvish.
  • Queen Elizabeth I was the first person to be called Elizabeth. Before then there’d just be a blank space.
  • Charles I invented mints, specifically to throw at whippets.
  • Charles II invented bacon and extra strong mints for his hangover breath.
  • The Egyptians invented light.
  • Dinosaurs were really good at volleyball
  • Before there was Jane Eyre, air was called “Jane”
  • Jane Eyre was the first person to look upon a man, before then their faces were censored.
  • Rome was built in a day, and France was put up the day after.
  • The colosseum was from Ikea.
  • There was no volcano at Pompeii, it was just a lava lamp.
  • George IV invented bones.
  • Adam Ant was the first person ever to masturbate.
  • Anne Boleyn invented hair.
  • Black Beard the pirate was the first person to walk, before then people just kind of wobbled.
  • One of Socrates’ philosophies says simply “cunt.”
  • Jane Seymour was the first woman to say “brown” before then, women were only allowed to say “that dirt colour.”
  • William the Conquerer was the first man ever to shave his bits and the Doomsday book was actually a guide to shaving your bits.
  • Florence Nightingale hated Scots.
  • James II once ate a man’s finger to win a bet.
  • Neanderthals invented pillows.
  • Stonehenge was actually the world’s first milkshake parlour.
  • Loch Ness is made of jelly and sequins.
  • Egypt -as a country- invented birds.
  • Jesus actually turned water into whisky.
  • Swans hate feet.
  • Batman was afraid of bats… and blankets.
  • Xena; warrior princess invented words.
  • Colin Firth sold his soul for a Kit Kat.
  • Richard Lionheart invented lions.
  • Henry V invented volume.
  • Queen Victoria invented babies, but then sent them back in time because she thought they were ugly.
  • The Eagle Rock was actually about a rock that looked a bit like a bird.
  • William II invented McDonalds.
  • Rupert Graves is good at football and has five children.

*that aren’t really facts so much as things we said when it was 4am and we were sleep-deprived… and some of the people aren’t even real, but they’re well true, totally.