nan watches

Guys. Guys. Guys.

Just finished watching jacksepticeye’s playthrough of “Night in the Woods”. Fantastic game. Beautiful story. If you’re not fond of watching other play then buy it but if you do like playthroughs, Jack’s is particularly good.

He puts so much care into the voices and the personalities of each character. He’s so wonderful. The game is wonderful. It’s all wonderful. (Just mind the language my friends.)

Me: Yeah anyway I can’t wait to be a dad-

My Grandmother: Are you going to raise your child as trans? 

Me: … That’s not how it works-

My Grandmother: A Queer great grandchild is alright with me. Lets stir the pot! 

Oh my
I can’t believe it, Mob Psycho 100 is getting a second season????????

?????

*insert badly drawn art that I’ll do later that shows my inexplainable, void reaction because Im far too tired to understand how great this news is*

I have to live through 2017-

Anyone ever really thought about how weird The Wind in the Willows is? Toad, Rat, Mole and Badger are all large enough to row paddle boats, drive Rromani vardos, use canal boats, fly aeroplanes and drive motorcars. They live alongside human beings. Toad is arrested by a human policeman and thrown into a human jail. Even though humans and talking animals cohabit, some animals can’t talk i.e. horses, which both groups use for labour. All the evil animal characters are from the Mustelidae family (human-sized weasels, stoats, pine martens etc.) AND on top of that, these weasels and co. all live in country estates and dress like 18th century gentlemen and end up staging a coup of Toad’s own country estate, a baroque folly belonging to a human sized toad.

????

Fix A Heart 22

Hold, hold on, hold on to me
‘Cause I’m a little unsteady, a little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold on to me
'Cause I’m a little unsteady, a little unsteady

The days following the appointment with the doctor were complete hell for the couple. Sharna went from doing so good to being completely silent and then at times almost manic. Val wasn’t sure what to do with her because minus the initial breakdown, she wouldn’t let him near her. The most interaction they had was during the nights when her body would instinctively move towards his. He wouldn’t admit it to anyone but he would always wait until she was touching him before letting sleep over take him when it could. Peta had tried her best to help as well but she didn’t have any luck either. She was always met with the same silence or a question to do something different. Sharna refused to talk, dwell, or deal with anything that was going on at the moment.

That Friday was no different as Sharna sat on the back porch staring out into the cloudy skies. It was a gloomy day which was fitting for her mood. Val came to find her to see if she wanted to go with him to Maks and Peta’s.

“Princess, I have to had to Maks’s to grab some stuff for production for the shows for the studios. Do you want to come with me? He said that P and Shai were taking Balto for a walk so Shai could practice on his tricycle.” He watched her hopefully. He had a good feeling today was going to be a silent day however he was praying he was wrong. He missed his girl and after the news she was all he wanted. He understood where her mind was but at the same time, he just wanted her as well. His response was a shake of her head as she pulled her knees up and curled into herself.

“I love you. I’ll be back soon.” He said accepting her answer for what it was. The one thing that was constant was that if she was like this, pushing her did absolutely not good. He walked over to press a kiss to her head before he headed out.

The moment Sharna felt Val’s presence leave she fell apart into a mess of tears. She maintained what composure she could while he was around until that became too much so she threw herself into whatever she could. Cleaning, blog articles, designing, art projects, anything. She would then become so exhausted that she’d drag herself to bed and fall into a dreamless restless sleep. However the moments when she was alone, she let it go. She let the pain and hurt from the news she heard over take her body until she would fall asleep. This was exactly what she did, once the tears passed, she was met with the restless sleep. However this time it was not dreamless.

Sharna was walking along the beach looking for something. She couldn’t figure out why she was looking for but at the same time the sounds and smells of the ocean were so calming. The sky and weather did not agree. She could feel the waves crashing angrily against her feet and she could see the sky turning darker and darker. She knew she should head back in towards the house but some could see someone further down the shoreline and she knew she needed to continue. The closer she got the more that she could see it was a little girl, all alone.

“Hey, hey, are you here alone? Where are your parents or whoever is watching you? You need to get away from the water before the storm comes.” Sharna said as she approached the small girl.

“You found me.” A magical voice said as the child turned around making Sharna gasp. She was looking directly into eyes that matched hers as well as nose and freckles that were exactly like hers. The sandy brown locks were a perfect combination of Sharna’s natural blonde mixed with Paul’s brown.

“No….”

“Hi mommy. I knew you’d find me.” The little girls arms wrapped around her waist as she clung to Sharna.

“You…no…you…you’re gone. I lost you. How are you? Wait if I’m here with you, am I?” Sharna said as she tried to comprehend what was happening.

“No, I just needed to visit you so I could help you because you’ve been so sad lately. Nan said I could come visit you and try to help but that I couldn’t stay.”

“You..Nan?”

“Yeah, I met her when she came to heaven. She’s really pretty as an angel. You should see her, she has pretty hairs and her eyelashes are super long. Her hugs are my favorite because they remind me of what I think your hugs would feel like.”

“I…..oh baby.” Sharna said as she felt her knees give out and she sank to the sand.

“It’s okay mommy. It’s going to be okay.”

“I’m so sorry sweetheart. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you better. I’m sorry I didn’t do better for you.”

“It’s not your fault mommy, sometimes we just have to go with what God’s plan is. And maybe that was for me to be able to watch over you all the time and keep you safe.”

“Sweetheart that’s not something you should have to do. You’re my little girl. I was supposed to protect you and I didn’t. You didn’t even get to see the world at all. And now….I’ll never get…..” Sharna trailed off as she pressed her face to her hands. The rain started to fall down at that point but she just sat there.

“Yes you will, you just have to trust that it will work out.” Rose said as she climbed into her mother’s lap and snuggled into her chest. Even though her mother was in a huge amount of pain, Rose felt a sense of warmth pass through her as she finally was able to enjoy the feeling of her mother’s arms.

“It’s not. As much as I want a little one, it’s not meant for me Rose baby. Look at what happened to you.” Sharna said as she held the little one. Why she was talking to her like she was an adult Sharna couldn’t grasp but it just felt right.

“That doesn’t mean you can’t have more. Just because Daddy….well yeah he still is my daddy. But just because daddy was mean and horrible and hurt you doesn’t mean that you get punished. I know the doctor told you bad scary things that I don’t understand. Nan told me I wouldn’t understand them but I wanted to so that I could help you more though. But yeah, just because the doctor told you the scary things doesn’t mean you can’t try other ways.”

“Baby, but sometimes when the world tells you no, you just have to listen. I was told no twice.”

“But third times a charm. And Nan taught me that you should never give up.”

“She’s right but sometimes when you’re a big person, it’s not giving up, it’s knowing when to back off and let the world take control.”

“But you can’t quit if you never tried.” Rose said adamantly.

“Baby….” Sharna said trailing off.

“No mommy. It’s the truth. You can’t quit something you’ve never tried. And you know how you told me that you were being punished and deserved this?”

“Yes…”

“Well what about all the little babies who lose their mommies and daddies? Is that their fault? Should they grow up without any love or safety? Should they not get to enjoy mommy cuddles like this? Do they deserve to be put in mean foster homes and passed around like a toy no one really wants? When there’s people out there like you and Uncle Val who would love them forever and ever?”

“Rose, honey, that’s not how it works.”

“Yes! Yes it is! You’re just too stubborn to try!” Rose said standing up and glaring at her mother. She put her hands on her hips and took a true Sharna stance.

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes you are! You fight everything. You fight Uncle Val even though he loves you. You fight Aunt Peta even though she’s like your sister. You won’t even go visit Shai because you’re afraid of facing the reality. You know you’re supposed to be a mommy. That’s why Shai loves you so much. That’s why this scares you so much. You know what you want and are supposed to have in life. But you can’t keep fighting everything. Sometimes you have to let someone else do the fighting.”

“Who? Who am I going to let do the fighting? I can’t ask Val to fight for me anymore. He’s done enough.”

“If I was you and I said that about you what would you say?”

“That’s not the same!”

“Yes, it is. Uncle Val loves you. He’s your family. Just like I am your family. He loves you to the moon and back, just like you would have loved and do love me. He would do anything for you. It doesn’t just end, it doesn’t stop being enough. You just have to trust him. And Nan and I watch you guys every day. We make sure you’re safe. We can’t change God’s plan but we can keep an eye on you.”

“Baby…..”

“No! You can’t baby me. You know I’m right. You’re just scared of losing something else and I get it but you have to try. You won’t even try adoption right now. You won’t even think of it. What if there’s a little girl out there who’s mommy got hurt by her daddy and now she’s going to be stuck with him or someone worse. You have to try mommy.”

“I don’t know that I can lose anything else. I can’t be told no again.” Sharna whispered which was her honest to goodness fear. If they tried adoption and it didn’t work, what else was left. Then she would have to face the reality that maybe she wasn’t really supposed to have kids, even though she had wanted it for years.

“You won’t. You just have to trust it. It’s not going to be easy but I promise it will be okay.” Rose said moving to hold her mother again.

“You can’t promise that.”

“Yes I can. I know. You have to try. Try for me Mommy.” Rose said softly.

“I’m not ready….I’m scared.” Sharna said as her tears began to fall as she held her lost baby in her lap.

“I know but you have to let Uncle Val in too. He can help. Even if he’s just holding you. And he needs you too. He’s scared just like you. For different reasons but just as much as you always need him, he always needs you. You have to let him. And Nan and I are always watching.”

“I don’t want to lose you again baby.” Sharna said as she realized Rose was becoming more and more transparent as their conversation continued. She could hardly feel her body clinging to hers anymore.

“Nan told me I couldn’t stay for forever remember. But I’m always here.” Rose said tapping Sharna’s heart before pressing a kiss to her cheek.

“I love you baby. Always. To the moon and back.”

“I love you too mommy forever and ever. Just promise me you’ll try. And let Uncle Val help. And when it does work, I’ll watch over her too.” Rose said as she started to fade completely.

“No…no…don’t go….I’m not ready for you to go! Stay Rose! Baby! No!” Sharna said as the little girl disappeared from her arms and she was left sitting on the beach with the rain pouring down around her. She began frantically searching and calling for her baby.

“Sharna! Princess! Come on, wake up sweetheart!” Val said as he tried helplessly to wake his wife who was clearly having a horrible nightmare.

“Rose!” Sharna said as she shot up from the lounge chair gasping for breath. She looked around as she realized she was at the house. None of it had been real. “No, no, she was there. She was in my arms. I held her. I did.”

“Who baby, who?” Val said reaching for her arm, nearly sighing in relief when she didn’t pull away from him.

“Rose. I dreamt with Rose. I held her in my arms.” Sharna said as the reality sank in and the tears started to fall down her cheeks.

“Oh sweetheart.” Val said gently.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for pushing you away.” She said as her eyes connected with his.

“No princess, you don’t have to be….”

“Yes I do. I push and that’s not fair to you. I know you understand but that’s still not fair. I’m sorry. I know you’re scared too.” Sharna said as she moved closer to him.

“I am, I’m scared for you and for us and for what’s next but I know if I have you it’s going to be okay.”

“She made me promise to try. For her.”

“Try what sweetheart?” Val said as he brushed a lock of her hair of her face.

“Adoption.”

“Do you want that?”

“I’m terrified that they are going to tell us no and it will be our last option and that will be what’s really meant to be but we won’t know if we don’t try.”

“We won’t, you’re right. We won’t.”

“That was from Rose, not me.”

“Sounds like she’s a smart girl, just like her mom.” Val said gently.

“I held her Val. I could feel her in my arms.”

“I’m sorry baby.”

“It felt good and it felt right. But I didn’t want her to go.”

“I’m sure you didn’t sweetheart.” He said brushing a few of her falling tears away.

“Val…..”

“Yes?”

“Can you….will you hold me?” She said softly as she looked at the floor.

“Always.” He said as he led her to the porch couch and laid down. He let her lay down next to him while he pulled her shaking body into his chest. His lips resting on her head. He felt her tears start to fall again this time with more force. He held her tightly as his own started to come as well. Their healing from this news had a long way to go but they finally had a small start.

Hold, hold on, hold on to me
'Cause I’m a little unsteady, a little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold on to me
'Cause I’m a little unsteady, a little unsteady

**This is a shorty. I had this idea and even tho I’ve done something similar with this song, it felt right. I solely wanted to stick to that which is why it’s short. I hope you guys love it. Don’t forget to like it up and let me know what you thought. Love you guys!