When I was a wee thing, my parents moved out the the Highly dubious condo in East Palo Alto and into a relatively nice suburban neighborhood, into a house immediately across the street from my new elementary school. Immediate, as in, less than 40 feet from the traffic circle. Mom would wave at me from the driveway sometimes while I was in class. This should have made getting me to and from school easy, but there was an issue:
I still had to cross the street, and because I was living in the over-caffeinated heart of silicon valley at the time, that meant dodging the local commuters barreling through the school zone at upwards of 40 miles per hour with no regard for the stop signs.
The flashing “School Zone” signs were ignored. The city refused to put in speed bumps or devote extra patrol cars. One of my classmates grandmother’s volunteered as crossing guard, and some jackass in a BMW ran over her foot on the first day.
Now, mom declared as we drove Mrs. Manchez to the hospital her foot in a beer cooler full of ice, Would be a good time to take the law into my own hands.
So after dropping Mrs. Manchez off at the hospital, we drove to the thrift store, where my mom found a navy blazer, aviator sunglasses, a pilot’s cap and an old, clunky-looking hair dryer.
The next morning, mom went out to the sidewalk in her new “uniform”, with the hair dryer and a legal pad so she could write down the grocery list. Every time a car would come roaring down the road, Mom would look up, point the hairdryer at them, and, and write something down.
I remember listening to brakes squeal all day the first time she tried it, Mercedes and BMWs screeching to a crawl as they passed the school, glaring at her. By that afternoon, cars were creeping along at an over-cautious 10mph, and I was able to get home without taking my life into my hands.
After that, Mom went out “in uniform” every couple of days, because intermittent re-enforcement is what REALLY gets a change in behavior going, and point the hair dryer at anyone speeding through the school zone, usually while writing down grocery lists or short stories, or drawing unflattering caricatures of the other PTA moms.
Eventually, however, one of the cars that came through was a patrol car, and he slowly pulled to a halt in front of mom, glaring at her though his own reflective glasses.
She smiled an waved the hair dryer. “Good afternoon!”
“…What’re you doing?” he groaned, 3 in the afternoon entirely too early for this shit.
“Writin’ a grocery list.” She beamed, and when that failed to satisfy him, she explained about the speeding problem and that if they couldn’t send a partol car out here to ticket people regularly, she figured that a hair dryer would be the next best thing. Working like a charm so far. They didn’t even notice the little airplanes on the Pilot’s hat.
The officer stared at her for a moment longer before his face broke out into a slow grin. “Y’know, when we’re out of a car, we usually wear visibility vests. So more people see you and your… Phaser.”
And that’s the story of how Mom and Officer Brown met and started the neighborhood watch program.
todays twitter dump is seungchuchu themed because they are the best boys!! dedicated to @llyn-on-ice because she showed me part of something she was writing and it inspired most of this and also she inspires me every day of my life
I’m really tired and sore and don’t want to be working all weekend BUT I have decided to make it fun by just being As Weird As Possible, which so far has involved doing our introductory skits by pretending to be a vampire. They seem to be digging it.
Hey amy! I just lost my dog, so i've had a bad week. Got any cute headcanons about Dami and his numerous pets?
I’m going to go ahead and assume that Damian names his favorite bats from the cave, and since Damian’s record on pet names is all over the place– some of them (Goliath, Titus) are dignified, while others (Batcow, Spotty the rat from B&R 13) are definitely not– I imagine the bat names get pretty interesting.
Also Damian: Rita, Earl, Capitalism, Lemon, Bagel Bite
Alfred the cat has spyware in his collar. So far it’s been a useful and multipurpose investment, good for eavesdropping on both one’s family and unsuspecting criminals loitering in the parts of the city where a stray cat would go unnoticed. Conveniently, that is most of the city.
Titus sleeps at the end of Damian’s bed, for the death nightmares. It helps to have someone to hug.
There are also geese on the Manor grounds– they come in and out of the pond on the east side of the property– and Damian has been feeding them Cool Ranch Doritos for the past month as part of an experimental plot. That’s Tim’s brand of chips; if everything goes according to plan, the next time Tim takes a picnic lunch, he’ll be swarmed by expectant geese. It’s going to be hilarious.