nail-varnishes

Common experiences of lesbians who don’t know they’re lesbians yet

 Out of curiosity, I recently googled “Am I lesbian quiz”. Half the “Are You a Lesbian” quizzes just asked outright, “Are you attracted to women?” as though that isn’t the very answer a questioning lesbian is trying to figure out. The other half marked me as heterosexual for things like owning more nail varnish than dogs. I hope this list will give you more nuanced ideas to think about as you explore your identity.

These experiences are all really common among - but not universal or exclusive to - people who later realize they’re lesbians and find a comfortable home in the lesbian label and community.

It’s mostly stuff that I and other lesbians I know have wished we knew when we were first coming to grips with our lesbian identities, because the fact is it takes a long time to discover how common a lot of these experiences are among lesbians, and not knowing what to look for when trying to figure out if you’re a lesbian can be hard.

‘Attraction’ to men

  • Deciding which guys to be attracted to – not to date, but to be attracted to – based on how well they match a mental list of attractive qualities
  • Only developing attraction to a guy after a female friend expresses attraction to him
  • Getting jealous of a specific female friend’s relationships with guys and assuming you must be attracted to the guys she’s with (even if you never really noticed them before she was interested in them)
  • Picking a guy at random to be attracted to
  • Choosing to be attracted to a guy at all, not just choosing to act on it but flipping your attraction on like a switch – that’s a common lesbian thing
  • Having such high standards that literally no guy meets them – and feeling no spark of attraction to any guy who doesn’t meet them
  • Only/mostly being into guys who are gnc in some way
  • Only/mostly being attracted to unattainable, disinterested, or fictional guys or guys you never or rarely interact with
  • Being deeply uncomfortable and losing all interest in these unattainable guys if they ever indicate they might reciprocate
  • Reading your anxiety/discomfort/nervousness/combativeness around men as attraction to them
  • Reading a desire to be attractive to men as attraction to them
  • Having a lot of your ‘guy’ crushes later turn out to be trans women

Relationships with men

  • Dreading what feels like an inevitable domestic future with a man
  • Or looking forward to an idealized version of it that resembles literally no m/f relationship you’ve ever seen in your life, never being able to picture any man you’ve actually met in that image

  • Being repulsed by the dynamics of most/all real life m/f relationships you’ve seen and/or regularly feeling like “maybe it works for them but I never want my relationship to be like that”

  • Thinking you’re commitmentphobic because no relationship, no matter how great the guy, feels quite right and you drag your feet when it comes time to escalate it

  • Going along with escalation because it seems like the 'appropriate time’ or bc the guy wants it so bad, even if you personally aren’t quite ready to say I love you or have labels or move in together etc.

  • Or jumping ahead and trying to rush to the ‘comfortably settled’ part of relationships with guys, trying to make a relationship a done deal without investing time into emotional closeness
  • Feeling like you have to have relationships with guys and/or let them get serious in order to prove something, maybe something nebulous you can’t identify

  • Only having online relationships with guys; preferring not to look at the guys you’re interacting with online; choosing not to meet up with a guy even if you seem very into him and he reciprocates and meeting up is totally realistic
  • Getting a boyfriend mostly so other people know you have a boyfriend and not really being interested in him romantically/sexually
  • Wishing your boyfriend was more like your female friends
  • Wishing your boyfriend was less interested in romance and/or sex with you and that you could just hang out as pals
  • Thinking you’re really in love with a guy but being able to get over him in such record time that you pretend to be more affected than you are so your friends don’t think you’re heartless
  • After a breakup, missing having a boyfriend more than you miss the specific guy you were with
  • Worrying that you’re broken inside and unable to really love anyone

Sex with men

  • Having sex not out of desire for the physical pleasure or emotional closeness but because you like feeling wanted
  • OR: preferring to 'be a tease’ to feel wanted but feeling like following through is a chore
  • Only being comfortable with sex with men if there’s an extreme power imbalance and your desires aren’t centred
  • Using sex with men as a form of self-harm
  • Feeling numb or dissociating or crying during/after sex with men (even if you don’t understand that reaction and think you’re fine and crying etc for no reason)
  • Being bored with sex with men/not understanding what the big deal is that makes other women want it
  • Doing it anyway out of obligation or a desire to be a good sport/do something nice for him
  • Never/rarely having sexual fantasies about specific men, preferring to leave them as undetailed as possible or not thinking about men at all while fantasizing
  • Having to make a concerted effort to fantasize about the guy you’re “attracted” to

Early interest in women

  • Not recognizing past/current crushes on women until you’ve come to grips with your attraction to women
  • Being unusually competitive, shy, or eager to impress specific women when you’re not that way with anyone else
  • Wanting to kiss your female best friend on the mouth for literally any reason (”to practice for boys” included)
  • Getting butterflies or feeling like you can’t get close enough when cuddling with a close female friend
  • Looking at a close female friend and feeling something in your chest clench up and being overwhelmed with love for her - love you may read as platonic
  • Having had strong and abiding feelings of admiration for a specific female teacher, actor, etc., growing up that were deep and reverent
  • Having had an unusually close relationship with a female friend growing up that was different and special in a way you couldn’t articulate
  • Thinking relationships would be simpler “if only I were attracted to women/my best friend who would be perfect for me if she/I weren’t a girl”
  • When a female friend is treated badly by a man, having your protective thoughts turn in the direction of “if I was him/a man I’d never do that to her/my girlfriend”
  • Being utterly fascinated by any lesbians you know/see in media and thinking they’re all ultra cool people
  • Having your favourite character in every show be that one gay-coded or butch-looking woman (like Shego from Kim Possible or Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica)
  • Feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable in locker rooms etc., when your female friends are less clothed than they normally would be around men and being more careful not to look than they are

The 'straight’ version of you

  • Thinking that all straight girls feel at least some attraction to women
  • Thinking that your interest in seeing attractive women/scantily clad women/boobs is an artificial reaction caused by the objectification of women in media
  • Being really into how women look “aesthetically”/“just as artistic interest”
  • Thinking it’s objective and uncontested that almost all women are way more attractive than most men
  • Being a really intense LGBT+ “ally” and getting weirdly emotional about homophobia but assuming you’re just a Really Good Ally and v empathetic
  • Having like half your friend group from school turn out to be LGBT+
  • Getting emotional or having a strong reaction you don’t understand to f/f love stories etc.
  • Having had people think you were gay when you had no suspicion you were gay

Exploring attraction to women

  • Feeling like you could live with a woman in a romantic way, even if you can’t imagine doing anything sexual with a woman
  • Feeling like you could enjoy sexual interaction with a woman, even if you can’t imagine having romantic feelings for a woman
  • Thinking you couldn’t be a lesbian because you’re not attractive enough, cool enough, or otherwise in the same league as most of the women you know
  • Interacting with het sex/romance in media by imagining yourself in the man’s position or just never/rarely imagining yourself in the woman’s position
  • Really focusing on the women in het porn
  • Being really into the idea of kissing/being sexual with a woman 'to turn guys on’
  • Being really annoyed when guys actually do express interest in watching or joining in when you do that
  • Only feeling/expressing attraction to or sexual interest in women when you’re inebriated or otherwise impaired

Gender Feelings

  • Having a lot of conflicting gender feelings that are only possible to resolve once you understand you are/can be a lesbian
  • Thinking that being gnc and feeling a disconnect from traditional womanhood mean that you can’t be a woman even if that’s what feels closest to right - many lesbians are gnc and many lesbians feel disconnected from traditional womanhood since it’s so bound up in heteropatriarchy
  • Knowing you’re attracted to women and not being able to parse that (esp + any gender nonconformance) as gay, taking a long time to figure out if you’re a straight man or a lesbian
  • Being dysphoric about the parts of you that make straight men think your body is owed to them, having to figure out what that dysphoria means for/to you
  • Knowing you’re attracted to women, but feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable trying to interact with them as a straight man, and only later realizing you’re actually a trans lesbian
  • Knowing you’re gay, but experiencing a lot of the symptoms of comp het when you try to interact with men romantically/sexually, and only later realizing you’re a trans lesbian and not a gay man
  • Being nonbinary and taking a long time to sort through being able to respect/understand your nonbinary identity and your lesbianness at the same time

Considering lesbianism

  • Wanting to be a lesbian but feeling like if you don’t already know you are one you can’t be
  • Feeling guilty about wanting to be a lesbian, feeling like you’re just attention-seeking or trying to be trendy
  • Suppressing your lesbian dreams because you think exploring that desire would mean you’re a bad/homophobic person using lesbianness selfishly
  • Wishing you were a lesbian to escape the discomfort of dating men
  • Fantasizing about how much fun it would be to be a lesbian and just be with women/a specific woman, but thinking that can’t be for you
  • Worrying that some of your past attraction to men was actually real so you can’t be a lesbian
  • Worrying that bc you can’t be 100% sure you’re not attracted to men and can’t be 100% sure you won’t change your mind, you can’t be a lesbian
  • Worrying that you only want to be a lesbian because of trauma and that means your lesbianness would be Fake
  • Worrying that trauma-induced complications in how you experience sex (e.g., a habit of self-harming via sex w men or a fear of any sex at all) mean you’re not a Real Lesbian

Every item on this list is common among Real Lesbians. It’s all Normal Lesbian Stuff. If you’re worried that you can’t be a lesbian even though it’s the life you really want for yourself, I hope this gives you permission to explore that. You are allowed to be a lesbian. 

And if you’re not sure yet – if you took the time to read this entire thing because you’re curious about your identity, if you identified with a bunch of items on this list – you may or may not be a lesbian, but friend, you almost certainly aren’t cishet. Welcome.

(I’d love to hear other things lesbians wish you’d known were A Thing when you were first exploring your identity!)

the one with the coffee shop.

Remus Lupin likes books. Old books with dog-eared pages so thin the ink shows through in sunlight. He likes paper back copies of Penguin Classics and out-of-the-way armchairs in dimly lit coffee shops just far enough off campus that no one knows him. He likes coffee with cream and leaf-like patterns in the foam. He likes his thick knit jumper that overflows over his delicate torso, the colour of fresh autumn drizzle. He likes breathing against the glass of the window and drawing funny faces. He likes absentmindedly doodling swirls on his napkin as he reads. He likes highlighting in orange. He likes slipping his boots off and tucking his legs up into his chair. He likes the warmth when it’s cool, and the cool when it’s warm. He doesn’t like Sirius Black.

Keep reading

kelseyy123  asked:

Hi, I was wondering if you know of any fanfics that relate to Larry in their real life situation and not a completely different story line and shows what it is like in their point of view from 2010 discovering each other up until now and all the things they've had to go through, throughout the years?

Hello!

Ok, let me start off by saying that I am very, very choosy about canon fics and I am unable to complete ones I found lacking. You can say that I avoid reading canon fics because I am fragile. Also, I understand what kind of fic you want and I will do my best. So, here goes:

dark and the dentist by sunshiner  @theprizeofcoolness

“I know this song,” Louis whispers, and Harry has to lean his ear toward him to pick up what he’s saying. “It was written for people to dance to it. We should be dancing.”
We can’t, Harry almost spits, but it’d be stupid of him. Louis knows they can’t. Even if he looks like any regular Parisian in their twenties, and Harry looks like any hipster Parisian in their twenties, they can’t anyway. To be fair, they probably wouldn’t do it even if they were out. But if they were two uni students, both in Paris for an exchange, meeting over fallen books at the library, or because of mutual friends, or watching Monet’s Water Lilies?
“How would we dance?” Harry murmurs, mouth almost pressed to Louis’ cheek, so close he can feel his warmth. What a picture they must make, two millionaires freezing in a park and dreaming of a different life.

An account of the events of November 2014. Canon-compliant.

**This fic made me cry… in a very uncool way. Maybe my favourite canon fic.

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Stars in His Eyes

Hi guys! I’m really sorry that I haven’t been posting as much, but school has been crazy busy! This is just a fluffy imagine that will totally have a part 2, so I hope you enjoy!💗

Stars in His Eyes
Tom kept his eyes trained on her while she wandered throughout the party with Laura. He knew that she would probably be safe because she was with their friend, but he just needed to make sure that nobody got too close to her and made her uncomfortable. Ever since Tom had known her, she had been almost painfully shy and had suffered from anxiety, especially in large crowds, so Tom just wanted to ensure that she was alright. She’d gotten swept away from him before, and Tom refused to lose her again.
The beer bottle in his hand was freezing cold and he longed to hold her hands between his own to warm up. Tom wanted to tell her how beautiful she looked tonight in her little sundress, with her hair curled into soft ringlets that hung down her exposed back. Her lips looked like rosy, red pillows and her eyelids were painted a shimmery, champagne color. Her cheeks were blushing and Tom didn’t know how, but the light enveloped her entire body, so wherever she went, she shined like an angel. He wanted to tell her all these things and more, but instead, he’d kept his mouth shut the best he could.
They weren’t together, they were merely friends. But, that being said, they were friends who brought each other hot drinks on cool days. They were friends who lent each other coats and snuggled together under blankets. They were friends who shared food off of the same plate and who held hands to cross the street. They were friends who fell asleep on the couch together while they stayed up all night watching films. They were friends who longed to be more.
Looking back over her shoulder, she glanced back to where Tom, Jacob and Harrison stood, their backs leaned up against a wall. She prayed Tom wouldn’t see her as her eyes flicked over his frame.
He looked so good, the best, she pondered. His jeans fit him impeccably and she wondered who’d helped him pick them out, because surely they deserved an award, and the buttons of his shirt strained against the broadness of his chest, forcing the lines of definition hidden beneath to be showcased to their fellow party-goers.
“Hey,” Laura’s sudden voice called out, cutting into her fantasy of simply walking up to Tom, and yanking him down to kiss her. “Let’s get another drink, yeah?”
Nodding her head, the girls rejoined hands and did their best to push through the crowded living room and into the kitchen to refill their cups.
Jacob nudged Tom’s shoulder when he saw that his friend’s attention was focused entirely on her retreating frame through the kitchen’s door. “Dude, this has to stop. You look like her stalker or some shit.”
Harrison snorted into his beer before agreeing, “Yeah, mate. It’s too much, if someone didn’t know the two of you, they’d probably fear for her life.”
Tom scoffed, shaking his head before taking a gulp of beer. “That’s not, I’m not, it’s not, it’s fine. Everything is fine. I’m just making sure that she’s- fuck, I mean they’re, okay.”
“For sure, dude, for sure.” Jacob said, making a point to roll his eyes. “Why don’t you just chug your beer, walk into the kitchen, and ask her out? You want to date her, and you’ve got to know that she wants to date you too.”
“I just,” Tom paused, diligently attempting to think of something eloquent to say, “I just don’t wanna do anything that is going to make her feel like it’s all going to fast. I heard her talking to Laura yesterday about how she thinks that the sweetest relationships are the ones that have had the most time to build themselves up.”
“Dude, you guys have had nearly a year to build up your relationship.” Harrison commented, shaking his head. “You’re both just looking for excuses to stay the same way.”
Tom did his best to ignore Harrison’s comment. He wasn’t not asking her out because he wanted their relationship to become totally and completely immobile, he wasn’t asking her out because he was scared that he would fuck everything up. Little did he know, she and Laura were having a similar conversation, but theirs was over glasses of pink wine.
“Tom looks to pretty right now,” She sighed dreamily. “He looks like Prince Philip brought to life. Too bad I’m not Sleeping Beauty.”
“If we keep drinking, we may as well be.” Laura giggled. “But seriously, what’s wrong with asking him out on a date? Y’all text all the time, you even speak on the phone, come to think of it, I can’t even recall a time where you guys haven’t been talking.”
“He’s just everything to me, I don’t know what I would do if he were to go away forever, you know? I can’t imagine waking up, knowing that he’s no longer apart of my life. He’s too important to me to risk it all for a relationship that may or may not work out.” She said, picking off her nail varnish.
“I know he’s important to you, but you must realize how important you are to him? He looks at you with stars in his eyes, and if you say that they’re just naturally twinkly, I swear to God.” Laura threatened.
Laura had met her in a thrift store and the pair had bonded over their love of cute, vintage, high-waisted mom jeans. They wandered through the entire store together, exchanged numbers and hung out twice before she had accidentally revealed what a massive Spider-Man fan she was.
When Laura had brought her onto set, she and Tom melded together and into one. Nobody knew quite what it was,but it was like the invisible hand of fate kept throwing them together.
She literally bumped into him the first time they met. Tom had held her in his arms longer than what would be deemed polite, and they had just stared at each other, completely mesmerized by the face in front of them. Then, Tom bumped into her at the craft service table, and then she ran into him as she was leaving the set. Again, the light of day seemed to melt into a faint dusk before he let her go. Then, for weeks later, Tom pestered Laura for her number. He needed to know her.
Now, after spending the summer, autumn, winter and spring together, Tom definitely knew her. He understood her, she littered all of his thoughts and his actions, and she very well could be likened to stars in his own, personal night sky.
After another two glasses of wine, she was absorbed by thoughts of Tom and wanted nothing more than to be curled up on his lap like a cat while he combed his fingers through her hair. Hiccuping her way out the door, she called out to Laura, “I’m gonna do, it’ll be done, and it’ll be by me. He’ll be done by me in the ways of asking out, and then everything will be like ‘Penelope,’ and he’ll kiss me, but I don’t have a pig’s nose?”
Laura rushed to her friend, hugging her into her arms, “You’re gonna do so great! He’s going to love you, and you’re going to be in love, and then everyone is going to say I told you so! Get out there and do it!”
Her legs wobbled as she parted groups of people in an attempt to find Tom. When she finally spotted him, she waved and called for his attention. “Tom, I found you! I got something in my mouth for you, to say to you!”
Tom raised his eyebrows as he placed his beer on the table and began to make his way over to her. Wrapping an arm around her waist, he said, “Jeez, darling, how drunk are you?”
Tucking her head beneath his chin and curling her fingers into the fabric of his shirt, she replied, “Oh, I’m not drunk at all! I’ve only had a few, actually a few means a small number of, and Laura and I finished a bottle and a half of wine, so i guess that would be more of a dyad of drinks?”
Tom called out to Harrison and Jacob, motioning for them to grab Laura from the kitchen so they could all head back home. Judging by her level of intoxication and description of how much the girls had to drink, Tom figured that this is when the party should end for them.
Guiding her out the door with a firm hand around her waist, he felt one of her hands stroke across his cheeks. “You’re so pretty.” She said, fingers still gliding over his skin.
Tom chuckled, she always got this way when she had too much to drink. “No, you’re so pretty. In fact, you’re prettier than all the princesses in the whole, wide world.”
“Laura and I were talking about you tonight. I think you look like Prince Philip and she thinks that I should ask you out. What do you think?” She asked when they’d finally felt the air’s cool breath fan across their faces.
“I think you’re drunk and talking shit.” Tom said, blowing on his hands and rubbing them up and down her arms while she leaned into his chest, fully supported by his touch.
“No, I am not!” She gasped out childishly. “I’ve been wanting you since the summer. Wanting, waiting, but you,” She booped him on the nose, “Have yet to give me a sign. Why haven’t you given me a sign? I wanna be with you, don’t you wanna be with me? Laura thinks you do.”
Tom shook his head and mumbled a quiet, “Let’s talk when you’re sober, baby. You don’t know what you’re talking about right now.”
He glanced down at the girl’s head that rested on his shoulder, and he felt her eyelashes tickling his skin. Tom wanted to believe he felt the love in her words, but he was afraid that it was just the wine he smelt on her breath. He decided that he would wait until morning, and maybe then some, to ask her what she meant.
The night sky may as well be colored in completely charcoal if she were to walk out of his life. His night sky would be no more, and all he’d have to remember her by would be a black hole.