n:spock

All I ask is one Thanksgiving where my feelings aren’t belittled, dismissed or called immature.

My sister thinks I’m being dramatic because I can’t handle as much stress as she can. She acts like “if I can do it you SHOULD be able to, too.”

She refuses to understand.

Having my dad back her up only hurt worse.

I damn near ended my life last week on the 17th. I’m still struggling emotionally with feeling useless and insignificant. But sure, talking about having a mental breakdown last year was me “being dramatic.” I didn’t mention I nearly died last week because I knew it would get the same eye roll with the addition of being called a liar.

People don’t listen to me when it matters…they just don’t. It’s like being autistic makes my feelings somehow wrong to everyone except me. But woe to me if I try to tell someone else how to feel. Double standards, much?!

I just want one Thanksgiving or family gathering where my feelings, thoughts, what I say and my different way of processing the world get taken seriously. I can’t remember a time when that happened. 

Oh, right, because it never did.

Maybe I should stop expressing my feelings altogether, because it always gets me hurt, called immature, called wrong or dismissed.

I should be Spock. My feelings make me trash.

Goodbye, emotions. I will suppress you because you are clearly wrong and useless to me. 

No more feelings.