n:sonja

@ladygaga: I don’t know how to put a price on a friendship. I’m not even sure how you can assess the size of its meaning, only really your heart truly knows and it’s too special for words. I feel two competing feelings. Firstly, that I will live everyday with more passion, more determination, more compassion and more giving than ever before. Because that’s who she was, and it’s what drew us to each other, and I know it’s what she always wanted for me. She had this incredible way of releasing me from the anchor of my own sadness that held me back, she loved me fearlessly while I learned how to cope with fame and stay inspired no matter how scared I was. She knew all I cared about was the music. She made that ok. The other feeling I have is that of being robbed of the last 10 years of my life, friendship and career with her. Like someone took her from us, and with that taking took all the good times. I know that’s not true, and I know that I have those memories forever, I’m just in shock that I will never have new ones with her. I’m in shock that I won’t see her again until I pass too. I vow to be a little stronger everyday for her because that what she would have wanted, I vow to be stronger for anyone who’s lost somebody to cancer. I’m a part of that family now. I vow to be a warrior for her and be a voice for cancer patients so the world can continue to improve the dialogue and the fight. I loved her. I still love her. And I love so much her husband Andre, stepson Sante, and friends. I made them some food yesterday. I will keep cooking. Cooking my soul until it understands this.
Last thing I told her, “Go find Joanne, Sonj.” Somehow I think she did.

4

# she’s so adorable here, bye!

ok guys,,,, let’s get into this bc i blame @sonhoedesrazao and ed sheeran for this!!! so,,, while reading this, maybe head over to spotify, or apple music, or napster, or pandora, or whatever u guys use these days to stream music and listen to ‘happier’ by ed and cry :):) (but also like, read this. please.)

so,,, I truly believe that Sonja didn’t just stay with Even because she felt obligated, and i have serious problems with how she handled Even falling for Isak but I truly think that she was in love and worried and scared,,,, so the thing she feared most was losing him, and i guess that’s why she tried to convince everyone, but mostly herself, that it “was a manic episode”, but she knew this goes on too long now, “he cares //too much//, this is not a manic episode, but i really really don’t wanna lose him” 

so defaulting it to “it’s a manic episode” was so much easier than thinking even really was falling for someone else, and that feels awful,

  • so just imagine you’ve been with someone for four years, through ups and downs and probably through him being diagnosed with bipolar,,, and then see them fall for someone else
  • she probably felt something like “i stayed with him through the worst and this is what i get?”, it’s an awful thing to think but a natural reaction and i think that’s mostly why she acted and reacted the way she did in the show
  • she’s a strong woman, because just think about that phone call with Isak in ep10 where she tells him to “just be there for Even”

okay long story short i am getting off the point of this post, which is the song:

  • it takes months for her to feel better, or like, not that hurt anymore and all the while she sees Even glowing,,,,
    • Sonja going onto Isak’s instagram bc,,, she knows she shouldn’t but she can’t help herself, she can’t let go yet and she sees them together and it’s like a punch in the gut,,,
    • one picture maybe even has the caption “the sun” or “my love” (bc,,, we all know Isak is sappy af when it comes to Even) and she tears up because yeah that’s exactly what Even looks like, so much happier, he does
    • the first time she sees them out in the open together she can’t help but change the street side because it hurts too much and she’s actually really surprised how much it hurts because she thought she’s handling all of this pretty well, and she’s going out and talks to her friends but seeing is something else,,, or another time:
    • Sonja almost running into them on the street because it’s not likely to not meet each other and Even has his arm around Isak like he used to do with her, and then she thinks about how long has it been since he held me like that? like he couldn’t stand away from her? and then she realizes,,, yeah Even might have left for Isak but they were broken for a long time and then she slowly starts healing and then
  • imagine that they meet up one day (when they’re both ready) and talk about it all, because she left when even was still depressed and she must’ve felt terrible, and when Even gets better and Isak tells him one day that,,, Sonja helped him, and he’s thankful for that and also a little melancholy because four years is a long time and it’s not like he was faking it all the time so they meet up and it’s hard and it hurts and there are definitely some tears on Sonja’s side but it’s a closure for both of them
  • and Sonja realizes that “you look happier, you do” and “you were /always/ that force of life, if you can say so, you were always beaming, but now you’re glowing” like yeah she realizes even more that Isak is good for him and the thing is, she loves Even, and it was so hard at first being away from him but now she can honestly be happy for him and accept that they were important to each other and they always will be but that they have to go their separate ways now

shout out to Sonja who got dumped by her boyfriend of 4 years (!!!) for another guy, but who still found it in her to unconditionally support him and, after one slip into ugliness, sincerely apologized to isak and continued being there for even by giving totally rad advice to his new partner.
like, what level of maturity. what a boss.

2

@ladygaga: After rollin around on the couch feeling sad with the help of some of my #grigiogirls and a very special someone I managed to dress up and feel better in a beautiful pink sequined dress generously gifted to me from @oscardelarenta Sonja would want us to celebrate her Birthday. So we are. Dressed in Pink and handing out pink chocolate kisses for #breastcancerawareness

I wear some of @sonjad7777 Sonja’s ashes around my neck in a black pearl given to me by her husband & widower @viegitane007 André Dubois. My extended family @angiepontani, mother of my godchild Sissy and wife of @briannewmanny my buddy I’ve played jazz with in NY for over ten years told us she had a dream. That we could talk to Sonja through her pearls. And I will Sonja. I Will. Happy Birthday. I love you. 🎀 💗 #breastcancerawareness #breastcancer #womenempowerment

anonymous asked:

Prompt: I always wanted to know what Sonja's reaction to Evak moving in together would have been.

Sorry it took me ages to write this, but here it is!

Hope you like it <3

Also a huge thank you to @isisisak , this lil thing wouldn’t be here without your help :D


It’s a bright night when she finds out. She’s at a party organised by her old school mates from Bakka, and god, does it feel good to be young and reckless once again. Between work and family and everything she hasn’t even had the time to breathe in the last couple of weeks; but now she can have fun as much as she wants. At least for tonight.

It’s good to see all her friends again. She’s realizing only now how much she missed them; she haven’t seen them in such a long time she feared they wouldn’t recognise her at all. She’s changed: her hair is longer, her eyes are clearer, her face doesn’t carry any sign of stress except for the normal buzz at work.

She knows exactly the reason for it.

She doesn’t mention it, though.

And then she sees them. Even og Isak. She’s surprised at first; but of course they’re here. Even went to Bakka too. She watches them from afar: one of Even’s hands on Isak’s back, Isak’s bright smile, that light in the eyes of both of them that can only be described as love. She’s a bit jealous, she can admit that to herself. After Even she hasn’t found anybody able to steal her heart yet.

But it’s okay. She’s okay. She needs this time for herself.

She’s lightly chatting with Lea - one of her best friends back at school - when a hand on her shoulder startles her. She turns around with big eyes. And there he is.

Even.

“Sonja” he says with a smile, and he hugs her. She’s surprised by the gesture, but she hugs him back nonetheless. After all, it’s still them. “How are you doing?”

They start talking about everything and anything, and it’s so weird she’s taken aback by the whole situation. It’s a strange feeling. They are almost stranger at this point. As if they hadn’t spent four years of their young lives as lovers, breathing each other’s skin. It’s odd and bittersweet and she kinda misses it, the feeling of always having someone behind you to catch you in case you ever fell. Or, well, someone to catch and care about.

At some point Even turns a bit and looks at Isak with a small smile, a smile that says I’m completely yours. And then he tells her.

“We moved in together, you know? Isak and I.”

She opens her mouth. And then she closes it.

She’s at a loss of words, no idea what to say. Congratulations? What the fuck do you think you’re doing?

She prefers to say nothing.

Even looks at her and raises his eyebrows, waiting. It’s a gesture so familiar she almost breaks. Instead she looks at Isak too and bites her lips. “Do you think it’s a good idea?” she finally says “For you, I mean.” Even sighs with a knowing smile.

“Yes, Sonja. Isak is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“But don’t you think it’s a bit too early? Are you sure that with your condition he won’t-”

“Sonja” he interrupts her. She closes her eyes. Her heart is beating fast and memories she had buried deep inside her mind - all those white corridors, a pale Even in a hospital bed with an iv coming out of his arm, all the tears and screams she never had the chance to let out - are coming back in a rush. But she pushes them back down, and tries to come back to the present. They’re here, alive and happy. Even is happy. She can tell that from his eyes.

“Sorry, I’m doing it again” she admits “The controlling you thing.”

“I’m glad you still care” When she hears that, she opens back her eyes. Even is smiling at her, a smile so pure and contagious she can’t hold back from mirroring him.

Because after all, it’s still them.

‘When did you know?” 

Even looks up at Sonja’s words in confusion, they caught him off guard and made his world tilt a little, as she sits across from him staring at her coffee, waiting for him to explain. 

“what?” 

“come on Even, you know what i mean….when did you know?” 

he doesn’t know how to talk to her about this, and he’s not sure if he should, but she is waiting, and her eyes are holding him captive; unable to move. 

so he sits up straight, clears his throat and tries to explain the unexplainable. 

“when i first saw him, met him, talked to him; it didn’t feel like some thing. i knew it was…like the beginning of something?” he paused, the words stuck in his throat as his mind swirled and ticked and tried to understand the right way to explain the feeling, the quiet in his head, the excitement in his bones, the confusing yet heart racing feeling of finally feeling like something fit. 

something was right. 

How to explain that seeing someone, talking to them; for the first time made him feel like he had sun in his life for the first time in a long time?  

he took a deep breath before continuing. “When i saw him it felt like warmth…it felt like something. but that’s all it was- something. 
He smiled softly to himself as he let the feelings he had for the golden boy who couldn’t hold his breath underwater, consume him. they played through his body like a movie. he felt every single piece of that sun as he finally finished with 

“and then…it, it grew.” 

Sonja stared at him, the air in the coffee shop making his skin feel too tight, his hands began to grow sweaty and the air capacity in his lungs started to close in, making it hard for him to breathe.

and then it was all broken by her familiar shrill laughter, piercing the tense wall he was beginning to build around him. 

“i’m not sure whether that was the most pathetic testament of love i’ve ever heard….or the most beautiful.” 

she smiled, it met her eyes; and it occurred to Even just how rare that was. He hadn’t seen her smile like that in a long time. 

because before now, she smiled on command, but finally, after years, her smiles were hers. and his were his. 

and seeing it made something inside him settle, like he didn’t have to feel guilty anymore, ashamed, angry at himself for ending their acting charade. Of putting an end to the smiles that never felt right because they never were real. 

because finally, Sonja was smiling at the world for a better reason than trying to make him believe she was happy. 

and Even was smiling in the world because there was warmth surrounding him that gave him a better reason to, than to reassure everyone he was okay.  

it was bitter sweet, saying goodbye to someone who held him, comforted him and took every single piece of his pain and carried it on her back, out of love and kindness. 

Because Sonja was full of it. 

and he loved her. he did and he always will. but it wasn’t the kind of love she deserved. he loved her the same way he loved his mother for putting up with the disaster he embodied.

gratefulness for the love she had given him. 

not the warmth and the belonging and the quiet heart racing radiating sun feeling he felt for the golden boy with the green eyes. 

and he knew she felt the same way. 

they both did. 

because as they said their goodbyes and hugged one another for the last time, they slowly took a step into their new lives, and breathed in the air surrounding them. the air of freedom to feel everything they would feel. 

and to finally let go of the past

and smile with their eyes, their bodies and their hearts. 

because he knew from the moment he saw him laughing in the school courtyard, that this is what it felt like….

to be free.

youtube

Happy Birthday Sonja