Is This Real LIfe

Picture this. There is a guy who is good to you. He knows you’re damaged. He still wants you. He finds out being with you might mean a lot more baggage than what he imagined. He still wants you. You tell him you have your heart set on someone else. Someone that you truly love. Someone that you can’t see yourself without. Someone that probably doesn’t even deserve you to love him the way you do. So this other guy gets pushed away. You tell him you don’t want to do to him what was done to you. So you remain friends. He moves away and finds someone new. This girl gives him an ultimatum. She tells him that he either gets in 100% or she’s moving on. So what does he do? He calls you up. He gives you an ultimatum. He asks you for a chance. He wants to be there for you with what’s coming. He knows the resposibility it requires but he says he wants it. You tell him it’s not fair for him to be with someone that doesn’t love him the way he should be loved. You tell him you will never be able to love him. You tell him it’s not fair for you to be with someone that you don’t love. You tell him you will wait for the one you love for as long as it takes. He asks you one more time. But this time he asks you to marry him. You’re left speechless. Yet once again you turn him down. He tells you that if that’s the case then he’ll be with this other girl 100%. So you’ve now settled on just friends. You have now turned down a guy that genuinely wants you, for a guy that you love. Yet you don’t know what this guy even feels for you. You don’t know if there is any chance. Yet you are willing to turn down every guy all in hopes that the guy you feel alive with, will come back to you. You would even turn down Justin Timberlake for this guy. Were the richest guy on the planet come knocking on your door you’d turn him down too. This guy that just hurts you without even knowing it. This guy that can’t seem to settle for you. The guy that makes you feel amazing, happy, full of life, like he cares, Then he turns and makes you feel sad, angry and like he could care less. Like he doesn’t even want to be your friend. Like you’re a burden to him. He talks to you when he wants to. He hangs out with you and all he does is text god knows who. And all you want to know is if there is even the smallest glimmer of hope. You want to know if you will ever go back to being the same as you were. You want to know if he even ever felt anything for you. Or if it was all just a game from the start. Because lately you feel like he never even cared. Like he just used you to get back at someone that hurt him. There are so many things you want answered. There are so many things you want to hear. You want to hear him say he loves you and only you. That there is no one else. You want to tell him how much you love him. You want to marry this guy someday. You want to grow old with him. He’s the one for you. He’s everything you’ve ever wanted. He’s got you hanging on a thread. He makes you feel like he still wants you even a little. All you can do is wait. You wait for whichever would come first. Either he will come around or you will gather the strength to be just his friend. Although you know it will kill you to one day see him with someone else. Can you be broken any more than what you already are?? I freakin LOVE YOU E!

my number 1 pt.2

My king! My Robin Hood! My weakness! Big Sexy! The fire in my eyes. My everything. Words will never ever be enough to express myself when it comes to you. I feel like no matter what words I use they won’t get it right. How you make me feel is just indescribable. So most of the time I keep it all in. Put up the biggest smile I can. Every other song I hear just makes my thoughts drift towards you. I can’t help it. I wish I could. Actually I wish things with us were like they were. But can’t do much about that. I’m fine with whatever it is we have going on right now. You are just simply the best. You are perfect. I used to be scared that when I finally got out and dated again I’d discover no one would come close to you. And well today I faced that fear. Mind you I wasn’t aware it was a date. To me it was just a friend thing. But everyone insisted it was a date. So once I got there I was skeptical from the start. And if it really was a date let me just say there won’t be a second. I mean the guy didn’t even open my door!!! You are still the only one to ever do that. You set such a high standard and well no one will be able to meet those standards. The whole time I found myself just thinking “oh nope Ear wouldn’t say that” or “Ear wouldn’t do that” “Ear would do things like this” “Ear would think this about that” … you see my dilemma? I want you that’s it. You just get me. 

My Number 1

I don’t need to say your name you know who you are. And I love you. Always will. No matter how wrong it may be. But is it really wrong when it comes from the heart? I mean it’s not like I’m hurting you by loving you. In all reality I guess you can say I’m only hurting myself by loving someone who doesn’t reciprocate the feeling. Somehow I can deal. I think the small things you do to make my day keep me afloat. You know the kiss on the forhead every now and then. Or the real kiss that takes my breath away. Or the the moment like the other night that caught me off guard. And yes I wanted that. Even if I know it meant more to me than you I was ok with that. I love spending time with you. But I don’t want to suffocate you with my presence all the time. Sometimes I feel like you’re gonna just get up and leave at any second like last time. You are way too important for me. Never leave again! Te amo con todo el corazon. You will always have my heart. I don’t know what it is about you but you left your mark on me. I’m so excited for this new life that’s on it’s way to us. Scared a little about it too. I never really planned on being a mom but I’m pretty glad it happened with you. Cause I know you’ll be a great dad. And that’s a good thing because sometimes I’m scared I won’t be a good mom. I’m still not sure how you feel about the whole situation but I hope you’re excited even a little …. Half of the time I’m not sure where I stand in your life. Most of the time I’m just happy to be in it. And I know you said you don’t think you deserve my love but the thing is that you have it. You made me the happiest EVER!! You still make me the happiest. So I’ll always hope that deep down inside you have even the smallest fraction of what you once felt for me left. Or that one day you see what you saw in me all over again. I think I’ll always be waiting as hard as it may be,  cause I think you’re worth it. You are a great man. Te Amo.  ♡♥♡

Happy Birthday to My King <3

Ok so maybe I shouldn’t call you my king anymore. But well to me that’s what you’ll always be. My King, My Big Sexy, My Robing Hood, my everything. You got in my heart and there is no way of getting you out. But this post isn’t about that. This is about your birthday!!! You’re OLD! lol JK … I’m obviously more excited about your bday than you are. And its cause I just love birthdays! I may not be spending it with you in the way I wished I was but that doesn’t mean I can’t spend it with you at all, right? I hope you have a great day and that you enjoy your little surprise. It’s nothing big but I hope you like it either way. I’m just trying to help you have as good a time as possible. Why? Because you deserve it! You’re pretty great. And lately you’ve looked down. I wish I knew why. So I’m hoping that at least for today I can put that sparkle back in your eyes. And that beautiful smile back on your face. Both of which I haven’t seen very much of in a while. So have a HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIG SEXY :*   …. love you always <3