me every night during ramadan, 2 min before i have to break my fast: dear god, let nct 127s next comeback shake the entire world, let sistar be successful in all their future endeavours, give jackson the rest he so well deserves, give kim namjoon and kim seokjin all the respect in this world, let kyla know that she is beautiful and loved just the way she is, don’t let lay overwork himself, give fx their comeback, tell seungri bigbang wouldnt be where it is today without him, let girl groups be treated better, dont let their be another instance of an idol making colorist and insensitive comments and appropriating black culture, pls eradicate all the toxic people in this fandom and send all koreaboos and homophobes to the bermuda triangle, also give monstax their first win, thank you, alhamdulillah and ameen.
as i wrote in a poem recently, i believe a relationship with God is “a step by step masterpiece”. or, in other words, it doesn’t just come into existence and that is it. it is a constant, every morning decision that get’s stronger and stronger with each step. and sometimes weaker and weaker. and sometimes we stop completely. it’s not always the same. it morphs, it weakens, it strengthens, it moves like a living organism and we can’t deny its changing rhythms. we can’t box up a breathing and moving God.
to paraphrase a favorite quote, God is a surgeon. He’s going to tackle your most fatal wound first. He’s not going to work on the scrape on your knee when blood is gushing from your neck. And, in your relationship, piece by piece, He’s going to work on all the other places that need fixing.
that is how i feel right now. no, i have not taken steps backwards. no, i haven’t “slipped away”, “went a different path”, “become worldly”, or whatever else people like to word it as, because i don’t think it’s ever that black and white.
you’re not one foot in, one foot out - you’re three toes one way, with the last two trying to go the other way, and the whole other foot is burned off up to the ankle and even if you knew where you were headed, you can’t walk and get there. and you’re begging for guidance but you’re alone. you’re all alone. you feel all alone.
it’s not simple. it’s a moment by moment, decision by decision, prayer by prayer, step by step masterpiece.
my heart is broken for many reasons. i hate him, i don’t like him, i don’t want anything to do with him. i’m in surgery and God is working on my fatal wounds. bitterness is just a scraped knee and we’re both more worried about the blood loss. what i’m saying is, i don’t believe in him at all but my heart is broken and i’m desperate to be fixed. and who knows, if he can fix my heart - well, he can take the rest too.