mypersonalshitt

I almost in a way feel traumatized by the years I spent consumed by addiction. I look back on the things I did, the shit I lost, the love that suffered and how I broke almost all my rules. It was dark and it was hell and the scariest part is that any day now I could just pick up right where I left off. This wasn’t supposed to be my life, I wasn’t supposed to fall so far down.

But I did. And I lost a part of myself that day I picked up for the first time.

My husband and I got transferred to a different shelter and it’s not rare that I walk into the bathroom and see ripped up stamp bags and alcohol pads on the floor. It makes me jealous of this person’s likely ability to actually get high when they want but it also makes me thankful that I don’t have to stick a needle in myself just to feel well anymore.

Recovery is conflicting and troubling sometimes, but addiction is worse.

DO YOU GUYS WANT ME TO BECOME MORE ACTIVE ON HERE?

Alright guys, I definitely wanna try to become more active on here because I just really miss how involved I was w/ the entire drug community and all the people I spoke to and connected with. I miss getting a bunch of asks every day from all these lovely anons and updating you guys on my life and drug use, sharing pictures of what I’m gonna get high on (because yes I still get high but not on heroin) and looking at what everyone else is doing and using.

BUT I only want to do this if you guys actually care to see the updates and pictures and if I become more active on here like before. So please, tell me what you guys think? Do you want me to become more involved on here or do you guys not really give a shit?

I love you guys and I really appreciate all the love and support I’ve received over the years of being on tumblr. It mean so much more than you think! <3 <3 <3

Okay so today is gonna be the first day that I don’t smoke weed in forever or take klonopin, wish me luck lovelies!

I wanna be completely clean, more productive, quit smoking, get off methadone and lose some motherfuckin weight. I need to get a job, save up money and move the fuck out of NY asapppp!

Just got my money for the month so I think I’m gonna look up some healthy recipes that we can easily cook starting today…hopefully…if I don’t procrastinate and end up buying takeout…

Complete rambles.

I can’t wait to move to Texas and be off methadone and just have a brand new start. I’m soooo over this addiction bullshit. I’ve been clean from opioids for over a year and a half, I have dabbled in some benzos and weed since then, but it hasn’t been a real problem. I should probably stop smoking every day butttttt you know how that goes haha. 

I just can’t wait to get my life together and I feel like I can’t get my life together until I’ve formed the foundation - getting off methadone, saving up money to move out of the shelter and out of NY, and just becoming a more improved version of me. I have about a year or so left until I’m realistically likely to move to Texas and that’s a year to figure out who I really am, get some hobbies, learn some skills, have some fun, and maybe learn to love myself. I wanna break free from my current lifestyle that still has hints of self destructive behaviors in it and just general unhealthy habits and I just want to be happy. 

It’s story time bitches! ✨

How my dealer made up this elaborate lie to steal money from us:

         OKAY SO I call my dealer up and to my surprise, she actually has kpins and tells me she’ll be down in 30 minutes Of course, 30 turns to 40 which turns to 50 which turns to an entire fucking hour. & allllll she had to do was come downstairs from her apartment. Literally that’s it. I fucking hate drug dealer time. But ANYWAYS. So she’s all nice and chill on the phone even though I nagged her to hurry up a bit which is very unusual to say the least. Normally, she’d be screaming into the telephone tell you to fucking chill and that she’s on her way down now (she’s a fucking bitch and always claims to be on her way down, but never is). Eventually she comes downstairs, I’m like yeahhhh alright awesome!, gonna get my shit and go but fucking NOPE, this fucking bitch had devised an evil ass plan to steal our money.

She talking about how the last time we (my husband and I) bought from her was outside the meat market (not true) and we bought 8 pills (not true) which costs $20. Now according to her, we ripped her off and only gave her $10 and then rushed the fuck out of there (not true). She’s claiming that there’s witnesses and that she KNOWS it was us and oh no, it’s not her that’s asking for the money of course, it’s some “big and scary” black guy that she buys from that has supposedly been looking for us b/c he’s pissed off that we owe him money. Riiiiiight. Well, I mean, it’s not like we’re hard to find. I mean, we stick out like a sore thumb in the ghetto b/c my husband is white as fuck w/ long blonde hair and blue eyes, then you got me w/ the pink as fuck hair. Also, we literally walk to same exact way to the same exact methadone clinic around the same fucking time 6 days a week and the bitch lives right across the street from the clinic and this supposed scary big black guy is always around there too. So uhhh either he’s really bad at finding people that are right in front of his face OR she’s just a lying sack of shit trying to get an extra few bucks to support her habit. I think the latter rings true.

So you know, of course she tells me all of this AFTER I hand her the $10 (she has the pills in her hand like she’s gonna hand them over at the same time as I hand her the $10) for the kpins that I was expecting to get. AND THEN she tells us that we owe her, how and why and that we’re not gonna get those kpins unless we give her an extra $10, the $10 that we supposedly owe her. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Why the fuck didn’t I just slap the bitch, take my money AND her bottle?? I mean, it’s 2 able bodied people in their 20′s vs a 40 year old fat fuck that’s in a wheelchair so the odds would definitely have been in our favor. BUT we simply cannot afford to get arrested right now for anything (we would lose our shelter, my husband his security guard license, etc.) and there’s always maddd cops in that area b/c they know that all the methadone people sell all their prescription shit like it’s a fucking candy store outside the clinic.

But you best fucking believe that this shit isn’t over. I know a way that could definitely even this whole shit out and I’m fucking pumped to get it going. I’ll let you guys know how it unfolds, but I don’t want to mention it now b/c you just never fucking know, right?

AND you can bet your ass I am NEVER dealing w/ her again unless it’s to get back what is rightfully mine + interest bitch. and it’s not even over the money, like I couldn’t care less about those $10, I’m not a raging addict that needs that shit - I just don’t like being lied to, ripped off, stolen from, and fucked over. You disrespect me and I’m gonna make sure you get what you deserve. 🖕🏻

Unpopular Opinion:

You can’t be against white supremacists while being a supporter of BLM. Both sides have done absolutely despicable things. They have resorted to violence, rioting, lies, and hate. You cannot fight hate with hate. So if you’re not okay with white people abusing black people and punishing them for the actions of a few, then you shouldn’t be okay with BLM supporters promoting an eresorting to violence towards police officers and white people simply for the actions of a few. In order for us to truly make any progress as a country, we need to learn to accept one another and other as we are and just move on. Door like I said I was just gonna bjh