mynameisel

Y'know there's a lot of things that would eat you in your sleep if they had the chance.

sometimes. I feel totally cool with being poor. I know that things could be worse. My entire fucking life has been lived with the belief that shit could be worse, but then I get woken up by the sound of mice running around the floor. After which I remember that we’ve also got cockroaches. That there are people who would respond to me talking about these problems with “just call an exterminator”. They either forget themselves or just don’t know that MOTHERFUCKER IT IS NOT THAT DAMN SIMPLE. I’m not in the “let’s call an exterminator whenever we see something that could be harmful to our health” tax bracket. I’m somewhere in the “well, will it immediately kill you? do they make traps for it? can we clean enough so that it won’t really effect us? how quickly can we find some new mattresses?” area. Which means when I found cockroaches it took months before anyone even bought a can of roach spray. Which means when we found mice we just laid down glue traps. When we first got bed bugs we just threw the mattresses outside and slept on the floor after putting everything through the laundry again. And because of what me and my parents have seen. I’m supposed to be comforted with “at least you have a roof over your head in a country where people aren’t likely to cut you up with a machete in front of your family”. I get it, I’m WAY less likely to die from starvation, disease, and genocide than some people. Am I really supposed to be happy with that standard?

Reminder

There is no god.
We are ants keeping busy until we become corpses.
Even if you manage to do something that “matters”
Regardless of how important, life affirming, or significant it seems.
Most people on this Earth will just not care.
No matter how long it lasts the day will come
where the sun explodes and nothing will be here.
The only thing that’s forever is space.
Not the stars not the planets
The space in between everything we stare and point at.
The void.
We only exist to fill it.
It’s all only here, we’re only here because if we weren’t nothing would be.
Our only real purpose is to be aware and observe.
It’s the closest thing to a religious belief I can accept or feel.

We’re not here because we were chosen
Or because something decided we should be.
We’re here because eventually
Something had to be.
With all the possibilities.
All the things floating around
Crashing, exploding, creating
The right combination was going to happen.
to make something that could look at everything else
Not just look, but know.
That’s there. I can’t touch it. I don’t understand it, but it’s there.
And that’s what we are.

They threw enough paint onto a blank space
In enough ways
Enough times
To create an actual image out of the blurs and blotches.

And so even though
nothing we do will matter once this planet is either destroyed
or just becomes inhabitable.
I think that the fact
that all that happened
And it lead to this this moment
Between me and whoever is reading this
Is amazing  enough to make up for it.

Thank you