myjungleland

Let me tell you something about Ron Swanson....

We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even… Whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend Mark Brendanawicz who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Eagleton Indiana, and Ron was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow him off to hang out with Mark, he’d be like, “Why didn’t you call me back?” And I’d be like, “Why are you so obsessed with me?” So then, for Wonder Weekend, which was an all Pawnee Goddesses pool party, I was like, “Ron, I can’t invite you, because you’re a Pawnee Ranger.” I mean I couldn’t have a Ranger at my party. There were gonna be Goddesses there in their *bathing suits*. I mean, right? He was a RANGER. So then his mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then he dropped out of the department because no one would talk to him, and he came back in the fall for the Harvest Festival, both of his eyebrows were burnt off and he was totally weird, and now I guess he’s on Snake Juice.