I Don’t Want To Die (by wherehaveallthescullysgone)

I can’t accept knowing how I will die. It’s supposed to be a mystery. I’m not supposed to know. A car accident. A gun shot or a paper cut or… I’m not supposed to know how it ends – how I end. But I do. I look in the mirror every morning and all I can see is the cancer that’s killing me. I can’t escape it. Everything is cancer. Every headache. Every nose bleed. Every funny taste or strange smell. Everything. It’s always my cancer, pushing into my brain and killing me. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to feel my life ending. I try to ignore it. I feel fine. I work and eat and sleep and I feel fine. I tell Mulder I’m fine, but he doesn’t believe me. He never has – he’s afraid of my death as much as I am. I try to hide my fear from him, but he knows. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t tell him. I can’t tell him how much I need him – how much I rely on his strength to see me through now. Because I don’t believe I’m fine either. I saw the dead girl, saw her message on the mirror. She is me and she is dead. Those who’ve had the visions were all dying. I can’t ignore what’s happening to me. I’m dying. And I’m afraid.

I Am Not Afraid (by wherehaveallthescullysgone)

Lying next to you, listening to the rain fall against the window pane, I think about the last nine years of our life. We have come so far together - so much farther than either of us would have ever travelled alone. I can’t remember my life before you, Mulder. But I don’t feel as if I have lost myself. The opposite is true - I found myself in you. Hard science and facts - that’s what I believed in. If it couldn’t be explained with science then it couldn’t be accepted. Believing was unthinkable - belief made things real and unexplainable things frightened me. But you taught me that not believing doesn’t change anything. It only makes the fear stronger. I’m not afraid of our future, Mulder. Looking at you, feeling the weight of you next to me, I know whatever comes we will face it together. I think of your hand on my face, holding me and I smile because I know when you touch me that nothing can hurt me. Mulder, no one has ever been as strong as I know you are. Even now, when you believe you have found the truth you’ve searched for, you won’t quit. You still believe we will find a way to save ourselves. And I believe in you. The road ahead of us is dark and uncertain. The monsters still exist. But I am not afraid, Mulder. I’m not afraid because as long as we believe the same thing, there will always be hope.