I’m scared of the future. With exams, uni, transitioning and leaving home all coming up within the next few weeks/months, I’ve been putting on a brave face. Smiling through school is difficult when all you want to do is go home and break down. And I feel trapped where I am. Trapped in this school, this house, this town.
I feel guilty for feeling so down. My parents are accepting of me being transgender, I have great friends, I go to a good school, we have enough money to have a roof over our heads and food in the fridge. I am for the most part safe, and I live in a country where it is legal for me to be myself. I am so lucky, but I want to give up so badly. I feel hopeless, like I’ll always feel unhappy and worthless, and I’ll never get the grades I need for my first choice uni even though I don’t want to go anywhere else. It’s getting to the point where I say “I’m just gonna die” and it’s not a joke anymore. I know I won’t do anything, I don’t have the guts to, but it’s at the point where I wish I did.
My parents have made their attitudes towards mental health very clear, so I can’t tell them, and despite being 18, they always want to know where I am, so I can’t go to the doctors or counselling without them finding out. And my friends have enough problems to deal with without mine piled on top. But I really don’t know how much longer I can do this alone.