Okay so I’m still pretty disjointed and this wont be as articulate as I like, but I’m going to start by telling a story.
I went to Walmart today, with my mom. And I’m about to go off to college and she hasn’t had very much money recently (things are… unfortunately tight), but still we went around and she picked out some new pants for herself and tried on sundresses and bought avocados at a ridiculous price. She kept saying how we were buying clothes instead of food in this joking voice and not to tell my sister.
And then it was time to ring up, and it was over $100, and her cards kept getting declined. Me, reaching into my wallet to see if I could cover it with my graduation money, and feeling embarassed.
Now, I’ve been in this situation before, and have always unfortunately felt almost a little resentful that I had to stand there embarassed. But today, I was also mad at myself for being embarassed. And after shopping, we got outside and my mother was so excited that we hadn’t missed the sunset. We drove down to the lake, and I was being quiet and withdrawn and frankly a little sullen, and I just walked and stood out on the big rocks that keep the shore from eroding away. And my mom stood there next to me, and even after moments later I turned to go back to the car she just stood there.
Seeing her silhouetted in the fading light and with the lake in front of her she looked so small. And I know why she needs to buy non-essentials and look at sunsets, becausee right there, she looked like the world would swallow her up if she lost that little bit of joy.
I’m honestly tearing up a little as I try to write this out, and I feel like wondering at myself. Because, shouldn’t realizations about your parents come much later in life? Even as she makes yet another statement making it obvious she isn’t quite getting somehing about the way I think, I haven’t really been trying to explain myself to her. Shes right now trying to watch Orange is the New Black even though she’s said she doesn’t like it, and I’m the only one who has watched all of them. I don’t think sharing my realization is a good idea, either, though. She can keep her invincibility.