myawesomejournal

Just the first few pieces I’ve made to give away so far! From the top left corner…

1. “Whale” whatever
2. Fish blowing bubbles and spelling out “T R I P P Y”
3. Plur me harder
4. “Virgin” (for a first timer)
5. I like it ruff, with Scottish doggies
6. Special edition “Pinkie’s Bitch” for when I meet my lady one day, maybe tonight?

Final goodbye to my mother

I don’t quite know what to say, but I feel like writing this email will help me cope and maybe (but probably not) help you understand that your actions as of late and really for the past six years have been nothing more than the complete opposite of how a mother should treat her daughter. 

I’ll push the past aside, because all of our previous falling outs combined don’t even come close to the circumstances surrounding Christmas. 

I guess I am having a hard time grasping why. Mostly why I was stupid enough to ever believe you changed after you swore we could be okay at Mitch’s graduation. So let’s just look at the facts:

You and your husband sold Brandon the mustang for $4,000. Check my sources if you’d like to, but the value of that car in pristine condition is barely three grand. Now obviously you and I and Randall and anyone else with a brain knows that car was never in such a condition. What’s more I’ve spent a lot of time and research and consulting with other mechanics (all of whom have just as much “experience” as Randall) and I’ve discovered that the wrongful switching of gears would never cause the kind of damage that this vehicle had. No, majority of those problems had to have already been well underway (also as evident by Mitch who previously owned the car and attests to it already having severe over-heating issues). The ONLY reason Brandon was nice enough to oblige with Randall’s ridiculously high offer was because of the guarantee he made which now we all know was faulty. Again I guess that really was our faults for being stupid enough to think that family is trustworthy enough that we wouldn’t need such a promise in writing. 

Moving forward, I really enjoyed hearing you talk smack about the people in your family who are so money hungry and greedy and then slowly be revealed to the fact that you are just like them. Because let’s think about what happened when you landed more money than I make in an entire year in two days. 

“I just wish I had more money for you guys, not for me!! I see other parent’s that can do all this stuff for their kids and I just wish I could do that for yall.”

-spends 100$ on wine
-spends 200$ on a handbag
-demands Brandon and myself to still pay for the repairs (which again you promised would never happen) when we barely have enough gas in my tank for us to make it to our jobs

These are just a few small examples. Are you really this blind, April? Or are you just so unhappy with how your life played out that you have to make sure everyone around you is just as miserable? Is that why you treat me this way? Why you do these things to me? Is is because you regret having me? Is it because me and Mitch are nothing more to you than a constant reminder that there was in fact a time in your life in which you were happy with the man that you despise so much now? These are the types of fucked up thoughts I have to believe in because what other reality is there? What other reason could it be? 

You know Brandon was going to propose to me on my birthday? I know you do. You knew it months ago and yet you financially screwed us over to the point that it is still going to take us at least another half a year to get back on track. You ruined my biggest dream, do you know that now? All I have ever wanted was to have something magical happen in my life after all the bullshit this divorce has done to me. All I wanted was this one moment in my life to be perfect and YOU are the reason it wasn’t. Again, what kind of mother does this to her daughter? You were supposed to be the first one I called all happy and ready to plan my wedding with you. But now, that will never happen. You won’t be the first, last, or anywhere inbetween person that I call when it does happen, and you won’t be a part of our beautiful ceremony. You will never meet your grandchildren. I can’t do it again. Because I know even now you’re reading this with a smug grin on your face, thinking you were right this whole time and I “deserved” to have my birthday dream ruined.

So before you email back with your rebuttals:

1. “Um excuse me but you and your boyfriend lived under my roof rent-free!”

Yes we did. And yes I’ve lost track of how many times I said thank you for that, helped you out with the kids, and offered to buy groceries and actually did buy groceries or little things here and there. I think we can get over the fact that we didn’t pay rent for the all of two to three months we were both there. (Average rent per month would put us around 1,500$ for the three, which I’d say doesn’t really matter considering you outted us over 5 grand but whatever) (which btw you’re welcome then for us basically paying for that lovely cruise)

2. “Your attitude the week before Christmas was disrespectful and uncalled for.”

How was I supposed to be, April? Super happy with a big ol’ grin on my face when I have to watch my own mother bleed me and my boyfriend dry while they are sitting on almost twenty thousand dollars?? Yeah.

3. “Well then why didn’t you just come talk to me?”

I tried!! My plan was to pull you aside after Christmas and tell you how I was feeling and pray to God it wouldn’t blow up. But no. You had to kick Mitch out over something stupid, and then come after me when I said three times “Mom let’s not do this right now” in a calm and collected manner. You persisted. You did that. You blew up on me first, so don’t put me on blast in such a negative light to my siblings when you know the truth. 

And then the threats from Randall? That was icing on the cake. You got yourself a real fine man of the lord there, for sure. Well I mean the both of you really. Such fine examples of how loving Christians should be.

All I can really say at this point is that I hope you realize that maybe YOU are the problem here considering you have lost half of your children at this point. Cause I know for fact Mitch agrees with me on you not being part of our lives ever again. So I just really hope you can see this before Mike and Anna wise up and realize what has really been happening this whole time. And you know what else? I can’t believe I ever confided in you about my pain over what I went through with Justin. I can’t believe that you could have ever gone through something similar. April, you have never truly suffered in your entire life. You’ve gotten everything handed to you, and the second you got out on your own you had someone to take care of you from day one. I feel sorry for you because of that. Because no matter what you do you will never be truly happy. How can one appreciate the sun without rain? You have been such a huge hurricane in my life that with you gone for good now I can at least smile in knowing I have a future in which I can right what you have wronged. I can be a great mom because you’ve shown me how not to be one to the point that I can’t even fathom treating my children badly in the slightest way. 

If you want to respond to this, go right ahead. But I know the truth. Remember when you recommended I go to rehab? I found that kind of funny because honestly if I would have had to suffer through your dramatic bullshit one more time alone I don’t doubt I’d be falling back into hurting myself. So yes, I will be talking to a therapist. But let’s think about that for a second. Who would deserve rehab more; the girl emotionally manipulated and drained or the disturbed woman who pushed her to be that way? You are the source, you are the reason. 

So enjoy your “perfect” life. The husband you want, the house, the cars, the money, the vacations. Keep doing everything you can for yourself and I’ll be working my ass off to make damn sure I never turn into you. I’ll be finishing school, starting a career, and one day doing the family thing right. And by then there isn’t a doubt in my mind that you will be money-hungry yet again and still unsatisfied with who you are and the choices you have made. And when you do come crying to me that you’ve changed and “we can have a relationship work this time, Alyssa” I won’t have any of it because this was it. I won’t help you. I won’t speak to you. I won’t put myself out on a ledge for you ever again. And I won’t expose my children to such selfishness that is for sure. 

I wish you knew how much I wanted us to be okay. I am so disgusted at hearing how “hurt” you were when you did this. You’re crazy. You have to be to think after how much you have fucked me over that it was my fault. My fault after I gave you my all this time. I didn’t hold back, my expectations were through the roof. I trusted you. 

I can’t make that mistake ever again. Please just see this. Please see what you’ve done. Please don’t do this to Anna. What a waste of me still typing because I know you will.


Her response?
“Are you going to bark all day little doggy or are you gonna come bite me?”

Did this bitch really just tell me to come fight her??

The lady who gave birth to me, ladies and gentlemen.

I like when we are out to lunch and you randomly say something like, “So, who do you want to cater the wedding?” And I ask you what wedding? And you give me this look and I realize you mean our wedding, some day in the near future, as if it is so obvious you have chosen me. But the thing is, it’s still so hard to believe sometimes. I’m mostly there, though. Usually it’s just when I catch you staring at me that the weight of your love hits me all over again. Or when you ask me if I am real, because I remind you of the girl from Enchanted, like I walked right out of a fairy tale. You make me blush a special kind of pink in my cheeks that no one else has ever seen. Just to be sure, I will still ask you what it is you see in me, why you insist upon how much you are in love with me. See, the funny thing is before you I always asked boys this question because their typical answers provided some kind of temporary satisfaction to help me feel good about myself. But the reason I ask you is completely different. Because your answer is full of promise and excitement, like when you can get someone to start talking about what they are passionate for and they get so into every detail and lose themselves in the process, trailing off on so many different points they want to get across, trying to get a life’s worth of feelings into an acceptable response. And for once I finally love listening more than talking. Maybe that’s because when I take the time to shut my mouth and watch you smile, I can finally understand what people mean when they say eyes are the windows to the soul. Yours are like an open book in a language foreign to everyone else but me. And with every chapter I read about the pain you have dealt with, I can’t help but see how the jagged edges of your broken heart are somehow a perfect reflection of my own. I know people will say you don’t need another person to complete you, you must be whole by yourself. But I have never seen a whole person in my entire life, and that is the absolute truth. I have never seen a person lucky enough to have been spared one, a few, or all of the setbacks this harsh world has to offer. I will challenge anyone until the day I die to tell me otherwise. To show me someone untouched by loss, someone who has never experienced the pain of an aching heart. We all start out whole, perfect, complete… until the people we meet, the ones we love, the ones we trusted, leave marks and scuffs and tears on our souls that are impossible to fix alone. But one day, one day you will meet someone with identical scars. Someone that makes you understand what it means to be imperfectly perfect. Someone who shows you that even after all the awful things you have suffered through, even though you have lost some of your bits and pieces along the way, together you can both realize what it means to be complete again.

This is my niece, Rylee. When my sister and I were little we used to watch The Little Mermaid on repeat like at least three times a day. It was her favorite Disney movie. After my 5 year old nephew met his new sister he couldn’t accept that her name was Rylee, and instead he started calling her Ariel out of nowhere. My guess because she was born with such a full head of hair, but either way I know it made my sister’s day and I couldn’t get over how adorable this knit outfit is that she later found for her baby girl’s first photo shoot. 

Do you see this guy? This is the man I am spending the rest of my life with, and this is also the reason why I’ve been getting so much anonymous hate on the regular lately. See, growing up I was like a lot of other little girls out there dreaming about finding their one and only. And as time went by that once innocent girl began acquiring heartbreak after heartbreak, lesson after lesson until she took a stand of confidence when she met the boy she truly wanted to become her forever. Seemingly perfect, he showered me with all the relational attention I had ever wanted… Unfortunately his life was not as well put together as mine had been, with no job or car and hardly any education, his love was all he had to give and I accepted it whole-heartedly as it has never been my style to provide anything less than my absolute best when I deeply care for someone. I fell harder and harder as our months together passed by and so did he, both shining at the possibility of a happily ever after with each other. Life has a tendency of crumbling down harder when you make it up that high, because barely ten months into our journey the man I thought I loved struck me across my face for the first time. So terrifired and confused, I did what most girls do when they find themselves in an abusive relationship; absolutely nothing. I came home every night to his harsh attitude disguised behind fake affections in his cloudy room, to him still having sex with me even when I said I didn’t feel like it. My heart was breaking worse than I had ever imagined, but I didn’t want to admit it to anyone else and especially not to myself. My friends began noticing my distance and grew worried, hoping maybe if they got me out by myself they could figure out what was up. Their attempts at a girl’s night out had fallen through a few times until a little over a month ago when, despite his anger over me going out without him, I was finally able to get out of our room for an evening. I tried to keep my smile on for my girls, but they knew I wasn’t myself anymore. I wasn’t bright and bubbly like they knew me to be. I was trapped and no one could see it. No one but fate… Because it was this night I ran into an old best friend from high school who would introduce me to one of his closest friends, a shy listener named Brandon. I didn’t think much of meeting him at first, to be honest. He was very kind and he followed me around the whole night, so interested in all the things I had to say. And I don’t mean interested like a guy trying to get in a girl’s pants, I mean interested like genuine… Interested like his response to when I told him I had a boyfriend. He wasn’t like the other guys who would laugh it off like who cares if I’m not single, the only question he cared to ask was, “Are you happy?“ Easy question, I thought. My mouth opened to give the lie I had been telling for weeks… Only for nothing to come out. I couldn’t answer him with a straight face. What was happening? I couldn’t keep the thought of my reaction to his question from my mind the rest of the week until finally my abuser put his hands on me for the third and final time. We had gotten into a fight, and he put both his hands around my neck and choked me up against his mother’s car until I nearly blacked out, falling hard on the cement and barely able to get back up again. It was when I was lying on the cold ground, cheeks stained with tears, that I told myself I was done. I would not let another man into my life for a very long time. I would give up my hopeless romantic ways and stop looking for my prince charming… Either he really wasn’t out there or it was finally time to listen to everyone’s old age advice “the second you stop searching you will find him!” I know in my heart I let it all go, and that was all I ever needed to believe in what happened next. And what happened next was the man you see in this picture with me turning my whole perspective of myself around. My abusive relationship had such aweful lows, but it filled me with greater strength and wisdom than I had ever imagined. It makes me appreciate the real “one" on a whole new level. I had gone from secretly hating myself to having someone show me how great my worth truly is and I never thought anyone would be able to do that for me. People always told me I would never be able to love someone until I loved myself, and that is how I know I have found my husband… Brandon is the only man to show me how to love myself and in that, now I can truly love him.

To all my haters saying you’re going to laugh when he leaves me after we sleep together, saying I wasn’t really abused because I should be ashamed to talk about what I went through, saying I don’t know what real love is because I’ve been through a lot of relationships… Fuck you. I know my own feelings better than any of you and I will not fucking hide what I have been through. I was abused and I am stronger now because of it. I am happier, I am loved. And I am free. I feel wonderful and nothing you can say or no amount of hate over the internet is going to change that.

2

Best show of my life!!!!!!!!!! Sorry I was really sweaty after and I couldn’t stop smiling it was so perfect, I was right in the very front center of the stage, like right freaking there. Before the show I saw him and his openers setting everything up and went over to say hi and showed him the dress and he said it was really cool and he remembered me messaging him about the song!! Which, he did end up playing and it was beyond words I can not even think of right now seeing him perform his first (of so, so many) songs I ever heard and fell so obsessively in love with. He gets so into his performances it just blows my mind how connected you can get with a crowd in such an intimate setting. At one point he was like right in front of me like inches from my face we were both screaming the lyrics and he put his hand on my cheek and I don’t even know it was so amazing. He did my song last, but then everyone was like yelling at him for more so he came back out and did Ballad of Worms and killed it. And then after the whole thing was finally done, he took a picture with me and of course I told him how much I loved the show, and then I was like ok so idk if this sounds cool but we brought a blunt and I would just really love to smoke y’all out for how great it was tonight…. And he was like oh yeah man it’s been a couple days that would be really cool. And told us to just wait around till everyone left and we did and then we ended up out behind the venue kickin it with him and the two main openers he was touring with and their little crew smoking and talking about all kinds of stuff. I got to ask him if he was gonna be doing any more music or taking a break and he was telling me he is making a ton of new shit and like they were just all so real and laid back and Cage even brought it up again that he was impressed with how I did my dress like the girl in his video, like he thought it was really cool and that I did a good job with it. He talked to us about his girlfriend some because I had asked where she was and he was kinda bummed she had to go back to LA. But we chilled for like an hour with them in the parking lot and then said our goodbyes and left and I am still not sure what to do with myself because that was easily one of the best nights of my entire life.

My little sister is about to turn 13 and she loves The Hunger Games about as much as I obsessed over Harry Potter when I was her age. (Don’t get me wrong Hunger Games is still like my runner up favorite!) Anyway, I am taking her to see Catching Fire tomorrow for opening night and she has been freaking out about it all week and so I am gonna surprise her with this bracelet I made for her when we go to the premiere!!