I guess you could call this a starting out picture, it’s from a few months ago, I’m guessing I’ve put on about 10lbs since then. I don’t have a full length mirror so I can’t take anything more current but I figure this is close enough.
I’m so ready to make changes and see some progress.
Most of you have probably noticed by now that we’ve all entered the year of 2017. The most noticeable change is that the crap year also referred to as 2016 is now finally over. “Finally” with a heavy underline.
I’ve started out this year with the best sentence I could’ve gotten. An inspirational one that didn’t seem to even be possible considering how bad my depression was during the end of 2016. It was so bad I was watched over by another shrink during the holidays because mine was gone until the start of January.
I had been told already in Oktober to start on my medication again. I didn’t, and it was stupid of me to not do that. I was though at such a low point in my life that it was mostly out of “self-harm” that I didn’t take that proactive step. I didn’t care about myself and my life. I thought that if I stayed off the medication I’d manage to get to such a low point I’d finally get rid of myself. As I told my second shrink this she had me talk to a psychiatrist about my suicidal tendencies and staying off my medication. I was in such a bad place it made no sense for me to do anything helpful for myself.
I wanted to be a shadow. To be no one. Even as my shrink would compliment me I’d look away because I’d hate hearing any good. Nothing of it was true in my head. It was just out of pure pity I’d tell myself. It was just because they felt sorry for me. She pointed my behaviour out and she noticed my thought pattern.
I started on my medication again because after all I was willing to get better but just too alone with my awful thoughts to take that step. And my medication has helped a lot. I was fascinated by the effects of them. I was scared I’d end up like an emotionless zombie but in stead they took away the hole in my chest that would grow so big as I went through sad emotions. They’ve lightened my mind and they’ve taken away the heavy burdens that I was carrying for no reason. I was scared I’d lose myself because during the two years of heavy depression my illness was starting to define me and i thought that this is who I am. I was wrong.
The 3rd of January my shrink told me “you’re almost symptom-free” and I smiled as I heard this. I was feeling so much better, my sadness was so much more shallow and my mind much clearer. I liked not being touched by all the things that could set of a fire inside me and I liked the calmness in my mind and body.
Those words have set me of to a good start this year and were exactly what I needed to hear. To finally feel better and to be better. To be who I want to be and set my goal to reach that. It was motivating and good and it has helped me to have some hope in this year. 2017 is my year and it’s the year for change and for progress and for doing the things I’ve set my mind to do throughout 2015-2016.
I thought it would be a year without you, 2017, my year, and I was trying to be ok with that. I was trying to convince myself that you had moved on and that you were with someone else now. But then you come sneaking in, and I have all these feelings for you. All these feelings that you are so aware of because to me you were my one. I’ve also tried to accept that, that I as early as 20 years old loved and lost my one person and my heart asks for you constantly and I can’t give it no answer but to say that you’re gone and I lost you.
I lost you and I accepted it. But my feelings still linger and my heart still hopes for your returning. I have accepted that as well. Though I love you I still need to live my life and to do the things I want to do but the future is no guarantee and I know that you did what you did and I had to follow along but I was set on something completely different. It didn’t happen and so I have to make things happen for myself, without you. Maybe one day we meet again but maybe not.
So this is a little belated, but this it the first time since before the holidays that I have had a second to relax and breathe a little. So here is my 2016 recap, because even though the general consensus was that 2016 was pretty shitty, 2016 wasn’t all that bad for me. It involved quite a bit of growing up and A LOT of exploring.
1. I experienced unemployment.
So this was not a nice thing at all and really not a fun way to start off my post-grad life. But I learned a lot from it and I guess I came out better from it. We won’t talk about the crippling depression and self-doubt it caused me to have though. I’m alright now. During this time, however, I got to spend a lot of time with my family and friends. I got to really Be There for my brother for the first time since high school and I got to go to all of his ski races and a lot of important other milestones during his senior year.
2. I went to the Society for American Archaeology annual conference in Orlando.
I got to see lots of cool presentations and think about lots of new ideas. Also I got to go to Universal and see Harry Potter World and that was pretty rad. Speaking of Harry Potter, I read all the books and watched all the movies for the first time this year.
3. I got my first big girl job.
WoW who knew that this would ever happen? I sure didn’t. I got a job as a seasonal Archaeology Field Technician ( a job!!! in my field!!!) with the Coconino National Forest on the Mogollon Rim Ranger District in Arizona. I was so relieved and very excited for a new adventure. I had no idea that I would end up in AZ but it would prove to be a rad adventure.
4. I got to see my baby brother graduate from high school.
I’m glad I didn’t have to miss this. My bro is the most precious thing to me on this entire planet and I’m so glad I got to be there to cheer him on as he walked across the stage and became a CHS graduate.
5. I got a shiny new Jeep. She’s a 75th Anniversary 4 x 4 Cherokee and her name is Charlotte. I love her.
6. I moved to Arizona.
Scary!! I literally moved to the middle of nowhere! But I had really awesome roommates and a dog for a little while. I got to see a lot of Arizona and go on a lot of adventures. I fell in love with the Sonoran Desert and with the mountains and the ponderosa pine forests. I saw bears in the wild for the first time. I summited Mt. Humphreys, the highest point in Arizona and that is one of my proudest accomplishments to date. It was fucking amazing. I laughed a lot, hiked a lot, and ate a ton of Indian food.
7. I cut all my fucking hair off.
This might be one of the most liberating things I’ve ever done. I had been considering it for a really long time and then one day I just thought, “fuck it”. It’s just hair. It will grow back. People told me I was really brave to do it, but I don’t think bravery has anything to do with it.
8. I moved to Utah.
Again! I got a job at Deer Valley as a Lift Operator. I get to work outside, ski everyday, and live in Park City/Heber City. I’m really enjoying it and DV is a really fantastic company to work for.
9. I’m considering a whole different career path and I have so many questions and I’m so confused but also excited at this possibility. Maybe more to follow but I’m still thinking about things…
I would add pictures and make this nice but that’s too much work because my pics are in approximately 8 billion different places and folders and nahh. So here’s to 2017, to more adventures, to more laughs, and to more living life to the fullest.
2016 is my year. I will do anything and everything to make myself a better person inside and out. This year I will spend time on my problems not others problems. I will put myself first to gain every ounce of happiness I lost in 2015. This is my wake up call. I will make my dreams into reality this year. I will put my determination to it. This year is for me to be reborn to the person I need and want to be. 2016 is my year.