my-thoughts-&-feelings

I am damaged, I’ll be the first one to admit it.

I need reassurance, affection, and to be included. If you come into my life, I need you to be very careful not to trample on my feelings and my heart; I’ve worked so hard for even the smallest victories and gains in my life.

If I tell you that I don’t want to bother you, please tell me that I’m not. I need you to remind me that my feelings & thoughts are valid. I spend so much time doubting myself.

If I want to show you that I care, please let me do small things for you. They are the only way I am capable at the moment.

If I start to feel detached from everything, please still include me in what’s going on in your life. Don’t lock me out- it’s very lonely already.

If I tell you that I miss you, please don’t just ignore me and pick another topic . That always hurts and makes me doubtful of your feelings & intentions with me.

If I tell you that I love you, please don’t say it back unless you are absolutely certain that you mean it. Understand that it took all my courage & strength to admit it to you in the first place- please don’t take me for granted or undervalue me.

I am damaged, I’ll be the first one to admit it.

This is what it’s like to be with a person who has been destroyed before.
This is what it’s like to be with a person battling a mental illness.
This is what it’s like to love me.

—  Brittany Walker

*almost has thoughts & feelings about my own trauma* woah there nice try *thinks about clowntrauma instead* ok, phew, we’re clear

Hey guys, vent day today & thought I’d just let out my feelings cuz I feel like I really need to get stuff off my chest~ 

Basically I’ve been thinking a lot about the future, and I feel like I’m moving forward either VERY slowly or not at all. I’m planning on renting a house with my friends and sister in August, but now I feel like it’s going to be a waste of money cuz I think I’ll be back in my parents house within 2-3 months. I don’t know if I’m able to make enough money for rent and food.

My store and blog are basically my job, but looking at how much I earn each month; it isn’t enough. What frustrates me the most is the fact that I can’t get a regular job. When I see people my age or younger working I feel so shit about myself that I can’t go out and find work, because it just scares the shit out of me. I hate myself for being this way and I hate how I find it hard to do things that come so easy or easier to others.

I was tagged by necroproblems (thanks sweet one!! ♥)
Name: /////// call me Trigger
Time and date: 11:00PM on May 14th, 2015.

Average hours of sleep a night: I used to only get 1.5hrs a “night” (which actually means from 9:30AM to 11AM) but since I started working full time again, I get between 7-11hrs. (I’m tired as fuck all the time and also when I am sleeping I can hide from my feelings & thoughts.)
Last thing I Googled: The webpage for applying for the gun license course in my city.
Nickname: ///////
Birthday: March 4th.

Gender: Agender.

Sexual orientation: Demiheterosexual leaning towards full ace. (I’m only attracted to deceased school shooters/deceased would-be spree shooters, lmao.)
Height: 5'4.5"
Favorite color: Black.

One place that makes me happy: This forest near my old high school, across from this drug den I lived in last year. I spent a lot of time in there between 2010 and 2014, both high and sober, in all times of day and night, alone or with friends, when hiding from people, or ditching school.
How many blankets do i sleep under: 2; I pin one between my knees and another covering me.
Favorite movie: Princess Mononoke.
What I’m wearing right now: Panties and my MIA roomie’s giant shirt.
Last book you read: “Serial Killers: The Method and Madness and Monsters” by Peter Vronsky.

Most used phrase(s): “*distressed noise that sounds like a beached seal with a tummy ache*“ or ”*surprised yipping noise like a small dingo*“ //// I communicate mostly in noises.
First word that comes to mind: Savage (as in ”-Springfield 67H.“)
What I last said to a family member: A text to my aunt that said, “Do you think there is any chance mom might let me move back home? Im working full time and i dont go out with friends anymore. I dont actually have friends anymore,” if that counts? My immediate family haven’t spoken to me or answered any of my texts or emails since December 6th of last year…

Favorite beverage: Water, soy chai lattés, and watermelon-vanilla bubble teas.
Favorite food: Deep-fried salted chili lemongrass tofu on jasmine rice w/ soy sauce.

Last movie I watched in theaters: Jesus Christ, I don’t remember.. I used to go to the movies a lot, too! (Three times a week in freshman year.)
Dream Vacation: The sweet release of death.
Dream Wedding: I don’t really think I’m in any state to be married to anyone.

Dream pet: More dogs.
I tag: adeadlyinnocence g0re-wh0ore (If y'all haven’t done it already :3)

.,.,.

I have been doing well. I just hate summer anymore. In addition to the incredible amount of stretch marks, there’s a lot of just weird mush going on. The number on the scale doesn’t mean as much when you are uncomfortable overall. I’m embarrassed to be struggling. Not a ton of struggle, but enough to notice. I’m having disordered thoughts that are beginning to take up too much time. For example, changing clothes constantly & repetitively, body checking, taking too long to make choices about what to eat, worrying about what I’m eating, comparing myself to others, low self esteem… I’ve been immersing myself in taking care of my son which has been so wonderful, but it has also allowed me to ignore or push away any concerns I may have.
Part of my brain is being positive & thinking good thoughts, feeling proud of my body. But a louder part makes that voice seem so small.

Serious Question

Should I delete my Instagram? It’s not even really real. I just made it so that I can have access to his, but he now has it on private. And he’s been staying ‘lowkey’ as he put it. The point is he’s not posting much on social media anymore, and I know I need to move on with my life. I don’t know why after all this time, I still care & I have yet to completely move on with my life. I feel broken & stuck. I thought about deleting ALL of this social media crap. I feel like it does more harm than good. But obviously I love tumblr; it’s my place to vent and to pass my time. I’ve also liked and found some nice things on Instagram but…. I don’t know. What do y'all think I should do?

I just want someone who’s willing to understand me & hear me out rather than get angry & jump to conclusions. I’m losing all these people in my life that I thought would never leave & this feeling is all too numb now. I hate it & I’m sick of this constant feeling that won’t go away. I’m not satisfied. I’m not satisfied at all.

Here’s the thing. I suppose I don’t care if people take my stuff & show it to other people. Because, most likely, I dislike those people anyway & I will make it a point not to associate with them. So I’m going to use this as I please. However. If what I say is used to somehow hurt or upset the people I care about because it was taken out of context, then it will definitely become an issue that I will deal with personally. Because my feelings & thoughts are mine. I shouldn’t have to be careful. This has been my life for a very long time. Not to say that things shouldn’t change. But people shouldn’t be crappy. People will be people, though. & I will be me. So that’s that. People don’t have to get along, but geez guys, let’s at least have some respect for eachother as individuals.

Felt like a queen tonight at Bible study after the Holy Spirit cleared my thoughts & feelings. Xx ;) I literally sat in my seat, in so much endless pain… and pleaded in my head… whispered in my spirit… “Lord.  Please heal me.  I have faith that You will, just please act on it.”  And we were discussing, oddly enough, how the Lord is just waiting for us to come to Him.. and so .. I did ;)
And I was quite pleased with the results.  Prayer is so effective.  By the end of the night, I was feeling bubbly and exuberant, instead of dead and lifeless.  
I am such a queen. X 
I am the queen of getting us off topic with deep questions that intrigue everyone. x
Heheeeeeee I’m SO COOL
xsldkjfalskjdfkjsd
<3 <3 <3 <3 Never felt more in love <3 <3 <3

hello

  • i feel sick / stressed / nauseous / dizzy / sad
  • i love living with all my best friends but i am so ready to go back to boston (saturday) because it turns out living in such close quarters with so many other #teens causes a LOT of unnecessary n immature drama and anxiety !!!! who woulda known !!!
  • my room is a mess & i need to pack
  • J wrote me a sonnet because he is the nicest and coolest human ever
  • all i have consumed since this morning is black coffee
  • i can’t stop listening to waxahatchee
  • i have a final exam tomorrow at 8 am
  • it’s like my head and my heart are both racing but the race never ends and it just goes round & round & round & nobody wins & my thoughts & my feelings are both very very scary things lately
  • just want to hug my dog rn tbh
  • just want to go to sleep and not wake up for a very long time
lizziebeemunchies replied to your post “Hey guys, vent day today & thought I’d just let out my feelings cuz I…”

It is so very scary, yes, but I think if you don’t try then you will regret it. I am literally about to walk into my first job ever. If I hadn’t tried, I would have regretted it. Then again it is the first day, so there is still time for regrets :)

indeed, i have tried before and i’ve had 2 previous jobs but they were only temporary and that was when my anxiety wasn’t as bad as today~ but yes i will definitely try~ good luck in your new job!!! :D hope it works out!!

Thank you Megan And Liz 💗

A month ago (for longer) I found out the worst fear of mine, that my nan got cancer, when I received these news I screamed, cried, everything.

Month later, the doctors said they caught it early enough, that it can be cured, not many people get as lucky as I did that day, but hearing that, it’s hard describe that amazing feeling but I’m so glad to have her with me everyday.

What I’m trying to say, the times I have wanted to break down, cry, all sorts, I would just ignore that feeling and sit down gather my thoughts & listened to Megan and Liz music & there quotes they do at end of a beauty video, they got me through this (rough patch) in my life, I can’t thank them enough for being there for me through there music. It was such hard time but Megan and Liz got me through it, I know they care so much about us, I’ll never forget that.

Megan and Liz if you read this, thank you for everything. I love you so much 💗 thank YOU for everything ❤️

it amazes me to think I spent so long romanticizing the worst kinda guys.

I considered something unhealthy & ugly & dark, love and I thought it was okay to love a boy who was terrible more days than good. I thought it was okay to bury my feelings to make him happy, I thought screaming & sobbing & cheating & pleading was okay for a relationship

And I still didn’t learn. I thought chasing a boy who chose me when he decided he didn’t want a skinny, gorgeous blonde in his bed, but someone to make him laugh. I thought watching him leaving the party with girls much more beautiful than I could ever compare to was me waiting patiently. I thought he’ll chose me eventually. But he never did, not really. Because pinning a girl to a wall at a party and kissing her like you never forgot her isn’t picking me. Because holding me after we fucked & kissing me is nice, but it’s not choosing me either. Because you only wanted me when you realized I might be making someone one else laugh or God forbid laughing on my own, loudly with no apologies. That’s what you always liked best about me. The way I never hesitated with what I was thinking & maybe it’s because you always hesitated. Well you hesitated too long this time

anonymous asked:

Can you post a selfie? You're very interesting and I want to see the face of the person behind this blog. Xx

Aw thanks love, I like to think my blog describes me without me having to explain myself. My page really is an outlet for all my thoughts feelings & anything I feel is me.
My face is booooring but I’ll show ya I guesssss since you’ve been so sweet :) xo

tbh . i just can’t deal . everything is so overwhelming & i feel trapped in my own thoughts. im trying so hard to just be happy & forget about things . i don’t know whats wrong . i don’t know what makes me tick . i just don’t know & i wish i did . i done pushed every mf away & ended up alone . ive been obsessing over the weirdest things in hopes i could fill in this void that i have inside me. nothing is working & i just feel like giving up & im just so tired & ive been battling myself for so long & nobody cares like they say they do . i run away but i never seem to leave my room . i feel dark . & just neutral & honestly . i never felt so scared of myself .