my-thoughts-&-feelings

Game changer

I’m so very glad that I guarded my heart for so long.

That I kept it behind huge walls, locked doors & tucked away.

I spent time single & content. Single & anxious. Single & happy. Single & sad. Single.

That I met this human who enhances every second of my life. Who fills my thoughts. Who makes me feel so beyond lucky, happy & special. That luck/fate/coincidence happened to introduce us.

I’m happy I trust this one, but it isn’t a choice as much as an instinct. I don’t try & let him in, he just happens to have the keys to all the doors and walls that were previously locked.

I’m happy, plain & simple.

55

55 mornings, it’s been exactly 55 mornings that I have woken up alone, 55 mornings that I have reflected on my life. 55 mornings that I have forced myself to get up & start my day even when almost 40 of those mornings I’ve just wanted to stay in bed and not move. 55 mornings without you. 55 mornings free, 55 mornings scared & unsure of what my feelings or thoughts even ment. I will have another 55 mornings, and another and another & one day I will have 1 morning, my first morning. The first morning of clarity, my first morning of thankfulness. Every morning from then on will make sense, it will matter & it will make me realize that the struggles of life lead me to where I need to be. & That one day I will have my first moment where I have my first morning looking so deeply into someone’s eyes and realizing its them, and not you.

Have you always been this way?

cold and harsh like a fierce wind

honestly, I don’t know you now

Who made you this way?

cause the person I knew was different

maybe I mightn’t have said this enough

but you were a warm sun to my cold skin

you were hot coffee in my favorite cup

you were music to my most loved song

you were my salvation

saving me from everything

that would’ve possibly ruined me

you were my everything

& I thought I was too.

Maybe you didn’t feel the same way .

I don’t know you now

have you always been this way?

Maybe you weren’t

or maybe you were!!

Video by sabriyasimon
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Day 19 of the #DetoxYoBody Yoga Challenge: Natarajasana (Dancer Pose variation) Today is actually Day 21. I’ve been keeping up with the daily practices, but just haven’t been documenting… so I’m about to play catch up where that is concerned. This posture actually brings up a lot for me. I notice how the energy shifts in my body while moving into this… and then I observe how I feel & what my thoughts are when I come out of it. It’s like I hear reminders… that I should be gentle & loving with mySelf… that I should take my time and move with ease & grace… that I should listen to & honour my body, because a level of ‘fragility’ exists amongst all of 'this’… and with that awareness, I should not be afraid to practice daily to open mySelf up even more… because there is all-ways space to breathe into… and I Am Infinite. 💫 What I did in this clip is not the full expression of Natarajasana, but it is a variation that I’ve been practicing to help build strength & flexibility that’s very necessary for the full expression. This is Dancer Pose. I practice this first, for a while, and then I try another version where I use a strap around the foot of the raised leg - holding with both hands, elbows faced directly forward. This allows for a deeper backbend and greater stretch in the chest… 'opening’ the heart even more. Check out @malayoganyc for a visual of the strap placement if you want to incorporate that into your practice. 🌻 I’m definitely going to be connecting with my teacher, @kirasadhana, to get some assistance, guidance and support with this posture so that I can work my way slowly into the full expression one day. . This posture stretches the shoulders, chest, thighs, groins, and abdomen… while strengthening the legs and improving balance. Check out @kirasadhana @kinoyoga @beachyogagirl @new2yoga & @malayoganyc for tips and variations of the postures daily. . @kamikazie_reid @selamtayoga #DetoxYoBody #Yoga #YogaChallenge #DancerPose #Backbend #Breathe #Balance #Practice #AllIsComing #BlackYogi #YogaOfColour #YogaOfColor #ColorsOfYoga #BlackWomanMagic #SelfLove #SelfCare #Discipline #InstaYoga #ILoveYoga #Yogagram #Jamaica #Sting #Fragile
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3:18am

nightmares are starting again
fuck
i wanna empty my brain of thoughts & feels

Your scent

Some Kang Gary lovin’ while I settle down after a hectic thirteen weeks from school - so this is it, marks the end of my University life. Attended two back to back tutorials today and managed to class part for both, a part of me is proud that I can now voice out my opinions & thoughts in class without feeling afraid but yet another part of me is kinda sad as I know it will be the last time I will be involved in such an intellectual discussion with The prof and classmates. In all, I have learnt a lot from the past three years and I am glad that I made the right choice. But the semester ain’t over yet, still left with one last assignment that I have barely looked at.. and then finals. Only plus point is that my finals are starting kinda late so I hope I’ll have ample time for revision.. Can’t afford to screw up for the finals due to the heavy weightage, else I’ll have to stay back for an additional semester T_T 

And about friends.. Maybe it is me, maybe it’s my age.. but I can’t seem to tell which conversations are genuine concern, or just nosy people poking their nose into my affairs? I believe that true friends want to see you do good, they don’t try to put you down or insinuate that you are incapable of doing something. They should always be there to listen, not to probe. Maybe I don’t have any true friends but I am fine with being left alone. 

Such thoughts I’m churning out on a Thursday. Shall tidy up my table and schedule, get crackin’ on the assignment and pray that the next few weeks turn out fine. Shall. have. faith. 

Today’s been weird. Feeling shitty & my heads having nasty thoughts so going to get lost in my book & hopefully fall asleep. Hope everyone is having a nice night ✨🌙 #me #self #girlswithtattoos #girlswithpiercings #armtattoos #snakebites #angelbites #caninebites #verticallabret #cheekpiercings #dimplepiercings #bridgepiercing #earstretcher #plussize #chubby #effyourbeautystandards #longhair

What would you have done differently if you were at my age (30) once again? — Question asked by Amir, from Iran

THE FIRST OF THE QUESTIONS ANSWERED FOR MY BOOK FOR MEN.  Enjoy & please let me know your thoughts and feelings! Also, your questions are always received with Gratitude!

What would you have done differently if you were at my age (30) once again? — Question asked by Amir, from Iran

I would be wild with courage!  Courage to pursue those hidden, secret desires that are in every man’s heart.  Those unbelievable desires, those you don’t believe in anymore, but continue to desire, from the innocence of your deepest self.  I would try to live every moment meaningfully, truthfully, authentically.  I would say what I mean and mean what I say.  I wouldn’t waste my time doing anything half-heartedly.  What I mean by that is, we all do things with little energy sometimes because we half want to do them, and half don’t want to do them.  Different parts of the heart seem to feel differently.  And there’s a reason for this.  Either we dive into the inner self and discover what those reasons are, and hopefully bring our whole self into one choice, or we don’t act at all when we feel half-heartedly.  I would have sat there with my self and with my God and I would be so patient, so still, so that I could feel the scattered pieces of myself coming together and whispering something with one Whole Voice: I want this! And then I would act.  I wouldn’t be afraid of wasting time or missing out.  I would trust that there is time to do all that I deeply desire and need to do.  I would be kind to people, even if I felt hurt by them.  I would show my vulnerability and not feel ashamed of it.  I wouldn’t be afraid of my pain, of enduring it.  I would pride myself in my ability to be both emotionally sensitive and a brave warrior.  I would honor my instincts.  I would honor what is best and most noble and most rich within me.  I would remind myself every day that I am a son of God and an heir to the Kingdom of joy, of love, of paradise, you name it.  It all belongs to me.  I would not look away from the sorrow and grief and terror of others.  I would be there, wherever my heart calls, as a warrior, a knight, a king, or a humble helper.  I would be there.  I would stand.  I would raise my hand and be open and count myself as one who values and stands for something, especially when most others do not.  I would temper my arrogance and realize its root in the hidden feeling of not being good enough, of not belonging, and of not being loved.  I would be a gentleman, I would protect, I would let myself cry.  I would honor and respect all women.  And I would listen closely to my heart so that I could know whether I truly loved one woman above all the others, or whether I hadn’t met her yet, or if I wouldn’t meet her in this lifetime.  But I would be open to loving all the women in my life by being a friend and a brother and a father even.  I would realize that all of these exist within me: my various ways of giving love.  I would know when to rest.  And I would feel grateful as often as I could.  I don’t think there is an end to this question.  But I would think of my death every once in a while and ask myself whether I would feel peace in dying at any given moment.  And I would be honest with this answer.  And make it a priority that I do whatever it takes to be prepared, if possible, to feel a sense of peace, not knowing when I would go and pass through that threshold.

© 2015 Eleithea Miel

everyday I feel myself growing more & more. My thoughts aren’t flustered, I walk lighter, head up and not towards the ground, soaking up positive energy while spreading it. I could go on and on lol but the point is, it took me years to reach this but I did it, & the reward has never been so sweet. ✌️🌸🍃 #loveyourselffirst

I’m a bit hesitant of the things I post here. Mainly because, I post my personal thoughts/feelings & there’s people that I know personally that follow me & I don’t want them to know my business

I tend to keep what I feel inside, but I told her what was on my mind. How bad I wanted to hurt myself, how terrible I was feeling and how much I wanted to just be left alone. I attempted to explain my thoughts & feelings, even though I didn’t understand them much myself. She waited as I typed words that came right to my mind for 15 minutes, just so I can get them out. I’ve never had somebody like her before. Somebody who cared enough to deal with my one word answers, sit in silence when I couldn’t find words to speak and somebody who wouldn’t let me push them away. I’m lost, but at least with her I’m safe and sound. She’s all I’ve ever wanted; all I’ve ever needed.
—  CEJ
Cho PD (feat. Brown Eyed Girls) - Free Music

In my head, my thought & my feeling spit it out
Hello ChoPD, dedicatin′ new music
Official free music, dont lose it
duty of army’s holding me down but i stay around

One day, I heard the court judge was looking for me
Why are they arresting me?
Days when I was reckless, days I can’t describe with words
I’m looking back but they’re saying

You can’t separate ChoPD with MP3
Can you participate in the…

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It’s Been A While
many things have changed & plenty are still changing. i’ll wait to dive into those things. i just wanted to say hello to the universe - a place where i find it safe for me to express my deepest thoughts, feelings & confessions. these days i find myself only engaging in the photography aspect of tumblr but i realize that the more i read - the more i open & expand my brain to what others are doing or saying. thank you for such a beautiful platform. i truly wish that i would’ve stay active with my very first account but i have this one & that’s what matters right? i am welcoming myself back. it’s been a while..
Rant. Rant. Rant; be prepared.

This is scary. In the best possible way, yet the worse possible way as well. I’m putting my whole life: feelings, thoughts, freedom, the basics of who I am & all the complex parts that nobody sees, in the palm of your hand. For you to do whatever you want with.. Which I know you won’t take advantage of. But nonetheless it’s terrifying. Loving someone this much, to the point you know you can’t be without them; I know now that I have you in my life it’s not an option to loose you. & I’ll do everything in my power to not, even when it’s bad times that we have yet to encounter yet & I’m super stressed out feeling like I’m going to explode, this will ALWAYS be my first priority. No matter what. I know you are just as scared if not more than me (which is completely understandable), but if we don’t take this jump together then I’ll be regretting this for the rest of my life. I’m going to love you forever, even that’s an understatement. There’s no words for how I feel for you, but you know this. You know that I’m head over heels completely & entirely in love with you. You can do no wrong in my eyes. So even if it’s scary, even if you’re feeling down and worried; please don’t. I understand. If taking it away was a possibility, I would at any cost. You are my forever; I love you. Do not take those words lightly. This is once in a life time & even though it’s scary because there is so much unknown.. I know everything will be okay if you are next to me, if you are behind me and with me. I promise (with all my heart & then some) that this feeling will never fade.
How could it? When I look into your eyes I can see how much you care & I can almost hear what’s going on inside your little head.
I love you & I’m so excited to be able to go through all the ups and downs with you.. Forever ever.
We are in this together so it will be okay.

“ya.... shit sucks.”

I really don’t know how to explain the weird emotional state this circumstance put me in, so this is me trying to organize my thoughts & feelings.

last night one of my least favorite humans tried to engage in conversation with me, and he said, 

“yeah so I finally understand all the shit girls have to go through. After only five nights of working as a photographer at [gay bar/dance club], I totally know what it feels like to go through all the harassment and getting hit on. ya… shit sucks.” 

Thanks for that ….sweet… acknowledgement? I only responded with a blank stare and a slight nod. I wanted to say it sucks that that was the circumstance in which you had this “moment of clarity,” but I also wanted to tell him to just stop speaking. Because he really doesn’t get it. and he probably never will. The most that happened to him was probably someone flirted with him, and he felt awkward because they did not have the same sexual orientation as him. Unfortunately he hasn’t had years of training to just politely thank said person and walk away if you’re not comfortable. Because that’s the “nice thing to do.” I’m not wishing for him to go through the process of being seen as an object; to bob and weave his way through unwanted advances. I’m just saying, don’t immediately act as if you understand an aspect of someones life based on a trivial interaction that made you feel uncomfortable. I wanted to ask if he ever felt unsafe? Did he have to lie and say he was waiting for his significant other? Did he have to remove someones hands from his own body? Did he ever have to make up a significant other? Did he have to give a fake phone number because whoever was flirting with him just wouldn’t take no as an answer? Did he walk home with his house keys between his knuckles? Did he make sure he walked with a friend everywhere? Did he make sure he was never alone? 

So I am very sorry that you felt uncomfortable, my least favorite human. But thanks? I guess? What a bittersweet triumph to gain such minor acknowledgement.