my-soul-aches

why do women in dress pattern illustrations look like they’re about five seconds away from DRAMATICALLY DECLARING THEIR LOVE?

#here we see masha- young and untutored in the ways of love#‘o katya!’ she cries 'my very soul aches when you are not by my side! i tell you i could not breathe if you were to leave me!’#katya kisses her just once. very gently.#and then leaves chelyabinsk. never to return#(two years later masha marries a local boy and never lets herself think of what might have been)

please,
oh please.

let me sink.
deep deep down
into my well of isolation.
let me be at peace
with my sadness
and my fragmented soul.

let me become one
with the darkness
plaguing my mind
working its magic
and overtaking me.

let me wallow
in the comfort
of self-loathing
set so deep
i cannot escape its grasp,
as it has become a home.

let me soothe my pain
whilst writing my story
on the insides my arms,
the top of my legs,
the sides of my hips,
the plain of my belly,
in the purest of red ink.

let me lie
in bed for hours on end
and stare at the ceiling
with my eyes closed
wondering,
whenever did i become this way?
was i always like this?
was i always meant to be like this?
is there a way to change it?
will happiness ever shine,
the faintest shed of sunlight,
in my direction?

let me cry
and through my tears,
relinquish all the pain
writing cannot
fat tears filled with emotion
frustration
sadness
loss
pain
eternal suffering
losing hope.

let me die
as i can guarantee
i already have
i am a dead girl walking
a ghost of my former self
a shell of what i used to be
of what i could be
my mind is no longer my own
my heart has long stopped caring
my soul aches for the slightest bit of ecstasy
my spirit is shattered beyond repair

but please,
oh please.

do not worry for me.
do not let me occupy your thoughts,
or take up space in your brain.
do not dwell,
on the life i am forced to live.
do not waste,
even the tiniest slice of your pity
on me.
for there are far more important things,
than one broken girl.

besides,
the time for caring has long passed,
as i will soon be dead anyway.
with either
a handful of pills,
or bloody wrists,
or watery lungs.
but it doesn’t matter how i go,
just that the job is done.

But you don’t really know me
You don’t know half of the story
I’m not okay
And not gonna be, today
I swear I’m not bragging
Do you feel my soul aching?
My hands still tied
I feel so handless
How? They’re there, then How?
I have a breakdown every day or two
Can you live with that, oh I don’t know
I can’t, every new day all I do is carry myself
I don’t think that’s what you deserve
I know you want to give me a hand
But how? When I feel so handless
I feel your hand trying to reach
When you thought your voice was out of reach
I can’t fix it
—  ayamfarag 

i don’t think that people understand that when i say “i miss my childhood,” i don’t mean softly going over memories and fondly smiling and sighing over a time gone past. no. that’s not at all what i mean. i mean a demonic ache in the deepest reaches of my soul. an ache of sorrow, of sadness, of anger, of depression, of melancholy. it eats me up every day and it’s the worst kind of emotional torture to be put through, to cry night after night over the state of absolute euphoria, of real happiness, of purity and joy taken away. it’s the most terrible emotion to have. i actively crave that euphoric, joyous feeling every moment of my life where i am conscious and it hurts more and more every second.

it hurts.

[absolutely no cgl, ddlg, mdlb, terf, radfem, or nsfw interaction. this is a personal post that’s okay to reblog- but reblogging onto a porn blog is absolutely insensitive.]

pieces of eternity

i guess this is how waves sound
when they crash beyond the edge
of my sanity

so late now. this is what you write
when you can no longer make sense
of reality

face down in the dark of the night
my soul aches. my mind disconnects
from majority

you’re a stormy ocean and i never regret
but i regret that you saw me broken –


dancing with the skeletons in my closet


looking at the family picture in a shattered
frame

of my father; eyes red
no longer able to
handle the liquor
damaging his liver

you were my medicine
no. you were everything

you made me a better man


Follow me on Instagram for a FREE review copy of my BOOK! ($9.99 value - more than 100 pages of imagery & poetry – message me your e-mail, the first 5 followers will get the book)

“in fields of cotton, tears brimming, with a heart so empty yet so full all at once. i dance for Harriet. i dance for Emmett. i dance for Martin. for all lives lost. i dance for my sister. i dance for peace. i dance to know what God means by the concept ‘free’. i dance for my mother. i dance for you. i dance for me. i dance for my people. for you, My People are Royalty. And you are Worthy of…”

ever think about the fact that andrew, by accepting neil’s requests, could be seen as trying to please neil, when in reality he’s been hurt by people so much in the past that he doesn’t let himself want to make anyone proud (not himself, not neil, not aaron, no one). like when he had dinner at nicky’s place, with nicky’s parents. like when he stopped 137 shots at the goal by the best exy team there is (was, before the foxes). constantly giving, and trying hard, but shrugging it off like it’s no big deal

now he and i both need a hug this is not okay

Top Ten Smut Fics 2017

1. When You’re Done (856) 2nd year running

Description: Sheriff Stilinski walking in on Stydia making out or having sex.

Rating: M

Author: The General

2. If You Want Me (529) 2nd year running

Description: Stiles is popular and Lydia is a nerd. They end up at a party where Stiles takes Lydia’s virginity.

Rating: MA

Author: holdyourbreathuntilyouseelight

3. My Aching Soul (437) 2nd year running

Description: Lydia has a dream within a dream but wakes up just like Stiles does in 3x13 and they make out and a bit of smut

Rating: MA

Author: The General

4. Chills (360) 2nd year running

Description: Girls night in. And they’re sharing stories pertaining to what they enjoy in the bedroom with their boyfriends. Lydia has ALOT to share about Stiles. Stiles goes down on Lydia. Cute funny Stydia smutt. something fluffy

Rating: MA

Author: @bellohmyblake

5. Lazy Lover (335) 2nd year running

Description: Lydia has trouble falling asleep, so Stiles gives her a hand.

Rating: MA

Author: @bellohmyblake

6. If at First You Don’t Succeed (288) *New*

Description: write a fic (night and morning after) of that gif set about Stiles losing his virginity to Lydia 3 times + stiles and lydia have sex for the first time and it was awkward so they both lie in bed to afraid to talk to one another for a few minutes

Rating: MA

Author: @bellohmyblake

7. Into Place (272) Up from #10

Description: Lydia and Stiles are making love and Stiles is nervous so Lydia takes the reins but when he grabs her hips against his to keep her from falling, he takes over

Rating: MA

Author: @bellohmyblake

8. Secrets I Have Held in my Heart (260) 2nd year running

Description: It’s been three weeks since Stiles broke up with Malia so he and Lydia could be together, but in an attempt to not hurt the young coyote’s feelings Stiles and Lydia are keeping their relationship a secret from their friends until an appropriate amount of time passes. But of course, as with all of Stiles’ plans things never quite work out the way he plans

Rating: M

Author: reportergirl13

9. Drink Me Under (256) Down from #7

Description: Stiles sees youthful Derek and Lydia flirting and feels a need to step between them because jealousy

Rating: MA

Author: @bellohmyblake

10. Can’t Catch a Break (231) *New*

Description: i’m the one who sent in the sheriff stilinski walking in request and i kind of want different versions of like alison or scott walking in if thats not weird. Maybe i just want people to know that stiles can get some.

Rating: M

Author: The General