My Roommate Pete Wentz

me: hey pete could you-
pete: it’s not me, it’s you
actually, it’s the taxidermy of you and me
untie the balloons from around my neck and ground me
i’m just a racehorse on the track
send me back to the glue factory
always thought I’d float away
and never come back
but I’ve got enough miles on my card
to fly the boys home on my own
but you know me: I like being all alone
and keeping you all alone
and the charts are boring
and the kids are snoring
and my ego’s in a sling
you said you’re not listening and I said i’m wishing…
and I said… I said…
pete: hey how bout that pizza hut

So my one roommate is Hillary Clinton’s nephew. And we were talking about politics today and I mentioned Bernie Sanders. And he immediately went into how much he loves Bernie Sanders and how he’s totally voting for him. And I was like “Yeah I love Bernie too, but isn’t it weird with Hillary being your aunt and all?” 

And he just goes, “Eh, aunt Hil’s a little too shifty for me.”

My Roommate Joe Trohman

me: did you water the plants
joe: grow trohman
me: do you need a bandaid for that
me: please shut up
joe: no trohman