my-phone-is-a-piece-of-shit

okay I’m home safe and as far as I can tell, unfollowed. still. being spied on and followed for a full goddamn hour after dispersing!?? while I was literally just buying beer and groceries?? damn. I guess I should get used to it and prepare better next time. my phone dying was literally the scariest thing. if they hadn’t let me charge it in the liquor store I would have been utterly defenceless and unable to call for advice. this fucking piece of shit phone is getting replaced either today or tomorrow I am not waiting for my warranty to expire when their so called repairs did nothing. dying at 45% holy fuck. and next time I think I’ll do what most folks did and cover my face. I usually don’t mind being recognizable because I stand by my convictions and I feel no desire to hide but being followed by cops definitely gives you pause on that……

Every time I watch the Nutshack I am absolutely blown away by how terrible it is. I revel in shit but God damn I need to be really drunk to make it through a Nutshack episode. Every character is a fucking piece of garbage with no redeeming qualities, every line is delivered horribly and is barely discernible, every frame of animation is jarring, and every joke falls flat.

Terrible stuff makes me laugh, even if it’s at the sheer absurdity of what I’m watching. Nutshack only creates a sense of extreme unease in my chest; like any moment while watching it I’ll get a phone call that my sister was murdered.

concept: u and i go to the aquarium for our first date. u are nervous as u try to hold my hand. but u accidentally knock the cracker out of my hand because ur a piece of shit and u don’t use ur eyes. there goes my damn cracker. look what u have done. i run away screaming and never return ur phone calls. it’s been three years and u still write to me occasionally but i never answer. where is my cracker

Flappy Bird
  • @AtTheWorldMeeting
  • Germany: So this new trade agreement should benefit us a-
  • Canada: OHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *stands and flips America off* HAHAHAHA FUCK YOU YOU OBNOXIOUS OVERBEARING SACK OF SHIT, HIGH SCORE OF MOTHERFUCKING 20 CHECK IT BITCH *Shoves phone in Americas face*
  • America: YOU PIECE OF ASS HOW THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT YOU FUCKING CHEATED DIDNT YOU THIS IS BULLSHIT YOU FUCKING... *flips table* YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE THERES NO WAY YOU COULD BEAT MY HIGH SCORE
  • Canada: OH REALLY, LAST TIME I CHECKED, 20 WAS BETTER THAN 19 DUMBASS, SUCK THIS HUGE CANADIAN DICK BRO HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE THE LOSER FOR ONCE
  • America: *throws phone down hard enough to form a crater, throws Canada's phone down too* WHOS THE FUCKING LOSER NOW, BUTTMONKEY? YOU CHEATED ANYWAY, YOUR SCORE DOESNT MEAN SHIT WHEN YOUR FUCKING PHONES BROKEN, EAT IT LITTLE BOY
  • Canada: *punches America in the nose* FUCK YOU YOU CANT HANDLE THE AWESOMNESS FREE HEALTHCARE AND NOT BEING A DICK BRINGS YOU YOU JEALOUS LITTLE BITCH
  • America: *grabs Canada by the hair* WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING A BITCH, BITCH AT LEAST I DIDNT SHIT OUT JUSTIN BEIBER
  • *Collective gasp from the other nations*
  • Canada: I-i well, t-tha-
  • America: THAT'S RIGHT, I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH THAT SENTIENT PILE OF CANCER FOR MONTHS ALL BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD PASS THAT SHITHEAD OFF TO ME AND NOT RUIN YOUR REP. WELL GUESS THE HELL WHAT FUCK-NUGGET, YOU'RE JUST AS BAD AS HE IS!
  • Canada: *shocked silence*
  • America: ...
  • Canada: YOU TAKE THAT BACK
  • America: NEVER
  • Canada: I WILL FUCKING DESTROY YOU
  • America: I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY YOU PANSY ASS MAPLE SYRUP CHUGGING SON OF A FROSTY CU-
  • *They leave, fighting and bickering*
  • Britain: ....We raised them. We did that.
  • France: ....I know
  • Britain: Where exactly did we fuck up with them?
  • France: I blame your cooking
  • Germany: ... Uh, um, M-Meeting Adjourned.

NASA keeps calling me asking what temperature my fridge is at for their “scientific recordings” just last night they called. Four in the morning. Asked me to turn on my sink. The person on the other end of the phone said “that’s good” and hung up. He called an hour after that and asked me what my internal temperature was. I asked if it was for NASA and he told me this information is strictly for the president. I asked him why and he told me he doesn’t know. Presidents orders. He asked me to kiss a piece of paper and leave it in my mailbox. It was gone when I woke up. Also, my son shit his pants in his sleep. Is this normal?

i like this piece of animation where choromatsu is caught being a fucking degenerate. like, im legitimately thankful that people sat down and lovingly animated this exact sequence of choromatsu shitting while on his phone and being interrupted while doing so. thank you animators for everything you do.

For @frenchargent (*shakes fist at tumblr for not letting me tag you*) who asked me to write this, so here you go, my friend.

Also tagging @offeringpeoplegumisnotcooking.

Derek wasn’t even entirely sure what got him so angry in the first place. One minute he was on the phone with his sister, arguing about … something, and the next, he’s got his fist punched through the wall of his apartment bedroom.

All the way through the thin piece of wall separating his apartment from his neighbor’s.

That wasn’t what brought him out of his angry daze though. No, what did was a shocked squeak from the other side of the wall, and he blinked a few times, before what he did really registered in his brain.

“Shit,” he cursed low to himself and pulled his fist back slowly, trying very hard not to make the damage done even worse.

The thought of just bailing before whoever was on the other side could see him crossed his mind for just a split second, but he didn’t move. Not more than a quick shift, so he could see through the hole he had punched.

And he instantly froze, his eyes going wide and his ears going bright red.

He had punched a hole straight into his neighbor’s bathroom. And not just that, said neighbor was also very attractive and butt naked, just finishing his shower.

Their eyes met, both wide and both of them blushing - Derek with his ears and cheeks red, his eyes staying very firmly on Cute Neighbor’s face and not going any lower than that, and Cute Neighbor’s entire face red, his neck flushing slightly as well.

They stood there, staring at each other, for a while, before Cute Neighbor broke the silence. “Did you just punch a hole through the wall?”

Derek winced slightly and sighed, his head bopping in a short nod. “I didn’t mean to, it just… happened.”

“Well, the walls are pretty thin in this building,” Cute Neighbor murmured and finally reached over to grab a towel, wrapping it around his waist to cover himself up. “Can we just pretend you didn’t see my dick? ‘Cause that’s kind of a third date kinda thing, not first meeting.”

Derek’s brows drew together. “Uh, sure?”

“Okay, cool,” Cute Neighbor said and fully stepped out of the shower, and Derek allowed his eyes to wander down his pale chest for just a second, before he snapped them back up. “I’m Stiles, by the way.”

“Derek.”

“Nice to meet you, Derek,” Cute Neighbor - Stiles - said with a nod, his grip on his towel still tight. “I expect you to get that hole fixed asap, ‘cause I kinda like taking a shower and doing basic bathroom business without a fist shaped peeping hole to worry about.”

Derek promised him he’d get it fixed right away, or at least cover it up until he could, and Stiles turned to leave the bathroom. Only to stop and back up a few steps, now closer to the hole and Derek.

“And, uh, if you ever wanna get closer to that third date… you know where I live.”

So maybe Derek’s angry outburst wasn’t such a bad thing after all.

10

I don’t know how to put my trip to London into words, I’m still pretty overwhelmed about everything. I got to experience 5 absolutely amazing shows in my favourite city, with some of the kindest, funniest and loveliest people I’ve ever met. I felt more alive and more like myself than I’ve felt in ages. I can’t stop thinking how lucky I am, we all are, to have this band.

thanks to @mattyhewhealy @georgestaniel@slendergraspongrammar@ma–yfuckinghealy@themattyhealy@pansexualmatty@spacecav@thematthewhealy​ and everyone else I got to meet and spend time with, you made the whole week even more special. can’t wait to do this all over again someday xx

3

hunter x hunter phone wallpapers: Hisoka + ace of spades ♠

Feel free to use but don’t repost anywhere or claim as your own