my-heart

It’s horrible to lose your dad. But day by day I miss him more as a mate. He was my best friend in the whole world.
[…] I can’t even begin to describe how I miss him. He always supported me in everything I did. He was a very wise man and I realised at an early age I could learn a lot from him. He always gave me the right answer.
But above all he was a very easy-going guy and all he wanted was to be my best friend. I’m an only child and so he shared everything with me. Of course he was very young to die and I was very young to lose a father. But there was nothing left unsaid between us.
—  Dhani Harrison on his late father, George, The Times, November 2002
  • me:*life is in utter ruin*
  • me:i'm fine
  • me:*remembers Amber from f(x) specifically says she's not attracted to female bodies
  • me:*remembers zion t. and crush are never gonna do songs ever again together because z left
  • me:must my heart suffer have i not endured enough i do not deserve this

“You’re good. And I’m not just saying that. I see A LOT of stuff… you’re really good. Keep at it.”

On July 23, 2016, my favorite lyricist (and writer in general) looked me in the eye while saying those very words. My cool, calm, and collectedness left the building as tears began clinging to the corners of my eyes. Reflecting on it now, I’m still in awe. God is incessantly good to me. How many people get to hold a conversation with their inspiration, and be given such a sincere and extraordinary compliment? Why was I given this experience to cherish and not any one of my amazing friends who love the Matts as much as I do? I feel so undeserving of my life.

Because normally, I complain about working day in and day out. Typically I’m scraping by on pennies of hope and Bible verses I memorized when I was little. I’m almost always grasping an rK song, hanging on for dear life as I pray for God to keep me from sinking to the dark depths yet again. I’m apathetic, I’m complacent, I’m sad. And yet…

I know there is light. I know there is peace. I know that I am not my own, and that this life is far beyond what I have seen. He speaks to me in volumes so loud that my heart cannot ignore Him.

“I may know Someone Who knows me more than I.”

Me too, Matt. Me too.

This young lady right here has gone and stolen my heart. But the thing is, I don’t want it back. As far as I’m concerned, it’s belonged to her since the day I first saw her. As long as she keeps it safe, and as long as hers is mine too, she can keep it for as long as she pleases. She’s the only one I’d ever trust with it and I hope she holds onto it forever. My heart will never belong to anyone else.

i’ve gotta write about you
so i hope you don’t mind
as i form a few stanzas
and rhyme every other line

this sounds elementary
like a third grader’s note
do you like me, maybe?
check yes or check no

i’m not sure that i like you
but i like what you think
how you dialed my number
instead of texting a wink

how you hung around
just to see me through
and said i facilitated
your dreams coming true

i don’t know you deeply
i’ve barely scratched your surface
but i’ll keep digging sincerely
because i think that you’re worth this

worth more than a few
cheesy words strung together
worth more than a side hug
you deserve someone better

than a lousy poet
and a sad soul like me
someone who’s steady
not inconsistent consistently

maybe you’ll see this
and know it’s to you
either way, know this —
you’re true blue.

you’re navy and teal
and cerulean all at once.
but i’m black as the night
and i cannot want

you to love me
because then we’d be bruised
two beat-up hearts  
in the end, black and blue.

—  wisdom always chooses these black eyes and these bruises/i will not let your heart ache
3

Weak?
Weak ?
I have been through more pain the. Your hurtful words anon, they do not play with my mind I know what i shall do, and what is the best for my family.
I’ve been through the fear of seeing a love one drunk and crazy with power, how the man I love turn into a drunken monster, His once warm arms holding me to being tightly around my night. I’ve seen the fear in his eyes once he found out I was leaving, I felt the pain of leaving him even though I knew it was for the best. I lost the love of a brother, the love of a lover because of my foolish argument, foolish ways…

I felt the cold shoulder of the man I grew to love, how he tossed me when his lover return home, I felt the coldness of a welcome home that was felt with pain and sadness…

I’ve seen my family fall and rise again

I believe crying is the best thing, however I will not cry over false lies, lies that are so easily told.

My love for Mathias as been strong, I didn’t leave him, I never wanted to I had to do what was right for my people, my cold heart shell is part of who I am and what I am.

He’s the only one who can make smile
And laugh, see the dimples on my cheeks, he’s my sunshine

Emil is my Earth he keeps me grounded when times get rough, my family is stronger then you’ll ever been anon so no I will not cry over this

My tears are saved for when I need them