my-friends-are-attractive

anonymous asked:

yaoyorozu for the ask game.. pls......

u r my friend

  • sexual orientation headcanon

attracted to all but only comfortable dating other girls!

  • gender headcanon

cis girl

  • mental illness / neurodivergent headcanon

it’s clear she’s very anxious, & suffers from perceived inferiority though i couldn’t give a diagnosis on that

  • 3 random headcanons

she can cook if she strictly follows a recipe but otherwise has no concept of what flavors go together and winds up putting wildly disgusting ingredients in basic dishes when she tries to experiment.

even though she can get embarrassed by them, she loves and admires rowdy people even more than strong or intelligent people… their confidence is inspiring to her. she’s sometimes moved to tears by being invited to join ashido and company in stupid shenanigans like trying to jump between the roofs of buildings. she always has to stop them though hahaha.

has only listened to classical music for her entire posh life until jirou starts introducing her to hardcore bands, which she loves in the daintiest way.

**Find My Kind** Spell

Here is a simple spell I thought I’d share for attracting like-minded people and luring towards yourself more genuine friends/friendships.

Quick Tip: A cup of Chamomile or Mint tea would be quite nice to start, finish or to drink throughout this spell, as chamomile is good for abundance and mint attracts prosperity.

Ingredients:

Basil  - crushed, powdered, plain, whatever!

Rose or Clear Quartz (alternative = silver coin)

Vanilla Essence or Oil

Lavender -  sprigs or powdered, doesn’t matter.

A Candle  - white is great. so is orange or brown.

A Pen  -  green, orange or red would be best.

An Envelope

A Piece of Paper



Method:

1. Keep the quartz in your possession throughout the spell - in a pocket or next to the candle is fine.

2. Dab the vanilla essence in the four corners of your piece of paper.

3. Draw 3 circles/suns on the piece of paper with your pen, interlocking with each other like in this picture:

– write your full name in the middle section outlined here in red.

4. If you want, you can write on the other side of the paper the qualities you want the people you attract to have. A similar sense of humour, loyalty, any particular appreciations/hobbies etc.

5. Fold up the piece of paper and put it in an envelope along with the basil and lavender.

6. Pass the envelope through the flame of the candle as many times as you wish (if in a circular manner, aim it to be clockwise) and repeat this mantra:

I call upon my people
Listen to my voice
The blood that runs through all our veins
Will now give us no choice

Now is the time
For us to be bound
To attract like to like and within each other
Our light shall be found

I call my kin
Come to my side
Let our minds intermingle
Let our lives intertwine

– Repeat the last phrase as much as you like.
3 or 9 times would work quite well, but it’s up to you.

7. You may decide to burn the envelope - if this is what you choose, then wrap the ashes in a lettuce leaf and bury it in a flourishing garden or at the base of a big, old tree. If you do not want to burn the envelope, kiss it and bury it in your garden, close to your front door or at the roots of a large tree.

8. Keep the quartz on or around you when going to meet new people, or if you’re feeling in the mood to meet new people. If you don’t want to wear it on your person then keeping it in the bedroom or near the phone or computer should be fine as well.

Good times to perform this spell: Waxing Moon or Midday

~ BewitchedByNight

What’s wrong with me?– Jeff Atkins x Reader

Request: Can I request a Jeff imagine me where he’s been asking you out for a while now and you always turn him down? So one day you hear him talking to clay about how it’s actually starting to hurt him a bit cuz what’s wrong wit him? And his jock buddies give him shit and tease him about which upsets him so you shock all of them by going up and kissing him which leads to a hot makeout and ask him on a date.

Words: 2703

Enjoy it!

Reader’s point of view.

Your name: submit What is this?

I smiled looking at myself through the rearview mirror. I loved when my mom had the day off, that meant I could get the car to school, save me the monotonous and disgusting bus rides. It isn’t as if my mother went out to have fun, her days off from work, she is doing yoga in front of the TV, it wasn’t too much that the “coach” was too attractive. I shivered and concentrated on the road, until that point I was already entering the Liberty High parking lot. The disadvantage of bringing the car is that I mistrusted and was late, something that wouldn’t happen if I were traveling in the yellow device. Now finding a parking lot would be a challenge.

After a full turn, I finally find a decent place, not so far but not so close to the door, perfect. Before maneuvering to enter that space, a car closed the way and got into MY place. I stepped on the brakes and glared at the bold.  I knew the car perfectly. Instead of staying there, I found another place to two cars away, from that to stay grumbling. Yes, I was too lucky.

“Are you serious, Atkins?” I raised my voice after getting out of the car and hanging my backpack over my shoulder.

Jeff was walking toward me with a big smile and fiddling with the keys of his carriage. Asshole.

“This becomes a danger zone every morning, Y/L, you would know if you brought your car every day”

“Funny”

I started to walk with him to my side. We were in the same course, connected in our first year, we were good friends, maybe I could even consider him my best friend, it’s not like I had many in high school. Most were either useless sportsmen, or just people who weren’t worth it.  He was taking me with a few, especially since Jeff was very close to them, almost entering his social circle. They were not bad guys, but somewhat immature for my taste. Sometimes they made me laugh.

“So I heard that this new movie will be on Saturday … Let’s go together?”

Yeah, we were good friends though Jeff was determined to change that. My friend was attractive, too much to admit, but my mind was somewhere else to focus on a boyfriend. In addition, our friendly relationship worked perfectly, we sometimes studied together, I was going to see him at his baseball games, and I even stayed after school with him and Clay for his tutorials. I could come and go as often as i wanted and he did that too. We were perfectly fine, why did we need a label? What if “being dating” didn’t work? All those years of friendship would go away. Just to think about my last months in this institute without the company of my best friend, to be avoiding it by the corridors and to meet us in uncomfortable looks, left me the sensation to be without air. No, I wouldn’t let him lose it for a silly etiquette.

“How on a date?” I remembered that I hadn’t answered him.

I turned to look at him and he smiled in embarrassment. Jeff Atkins was never embarrassed. He was the most honest and funny guy on the whole site. If I didn’t know Clay Jensen, I would sign with blood that Jeff was the only one. Everyone else behaved more like idiots.

“Yes?” His answer sounded more like a question. Well, he left the decision to me again.

I sighed and settled the backpack as a reflex act.

“You did a good swing, Atkins, but I’m sorry to say you got a strike”

He raised his eyebrows and I smiled, wanting to erase the rejection I had given him. It hadn’t been the first, but sometimes I felt like the bad in this relationship. Our “dates” were reduced to exits between friends, and that was because I was in charge of enlisting Sheri with us and him, usually Clay. At one time, we invited Hannah, but lately she was walking in her own world, feeling the tension only to approach her. Too bad, it turned out to be a really fun girl.

I increased my pace. We didn’t have to stay together in the hall, our first period was different, while he was killing himself in history, I had to endure the headache of algebra. I also needed help but no one threatened to get me out of a team simply because I didn’t belong to any. That was how it was.

“Are you serious?” The good thing about my best friend is that he took rejections with grace. “You are very rude to me, Y/N!”

“I see you at rest!” I shouted at him in response and unconsciously stepped up. I never let him see guilt in me after an Olympic rejection.

At lunchtime, we took our usual table; Clay kept his eyes on his task that ignored our mini meal fight between Jeff and me. He made me eat one of his fries, but they were too greasy for my liking. Thanks to that, we didn’t go unnoticed, neither by his companions as for the rest of the school. Suddenly, I noticed how his teammates were passing by and said things to Jeff that I couldn’t grasp, used as keys that I didn’t understand. I looked at Jeff who looked down for a few seconds before turning to see me and smiling as if nothing.

“What was that?”

“It’s nothing.” He grabbed his backpack and stood up. “See you after school, Jensen?”

For the first time, Clay looked up and nodded. Jeff said goodbye to both of us and left in the opposite direction to his companions, I frowned even confused; it was incredible how my friend’s mood changed in a few seconds. I bit my lip and pushed aside my tray of food, strangely I was without appetite.

“What’s wrong with Jeff?” I asked. Clay knew him as well as I did.

The boy shrugged and looked in the direction where our friend had disappeared. I said goodbye to Clay, especially since I had just seen Hannah Baker enter the cafeteria. Jeff and I had a plan, before we graduated, we had to get these two to have something. They were too shy to approach the one and the other that we decided to intervene, rather I joined the cause, because it was a kind of deal between the two men. However, it was difficult, I was going to take care of Hannah, but she was very distant, I couldn’t approach. I sighed and left the cafeteria. I’d waste my time in the locker.

I doubted if it would be a good idea to interfere with the tutoring hours of my friends, I don’t know what was different now, if I always did, but my best friend’s behavior was too strange after the cafeteria. It made me panic to approach him. Among my doubts, I ended up in the school library, if I wandered around maybe in the end would encourage me to approach your table. I ended up on one of the closest shelves, Jeff and Clay seemed to be talking about something that didn’t look like tutorials since neither of them looked at their respective books. I went a little closer, covering my face with a book chosen at random. I pretended to read it.

“Jeff Atkins, asking me for advice on relationships?” I listened to Clay with humor. “The deal was supposed to be that you would help me with it, not the other way around.” I lowered the book a little to notice my best friend with his eyes on Pencil playing between his fingers. I went back to cover “I was paying my salary in the Cresmont that you would never go through this”

I bit my lip, afraid to know now what they were talking about, or rather … of whom. I repressed the book down again.

“I don’t know what else to do, dude.” Jeff’s voice broke my heart, but why? “She’s not like the other girls I’ve dated, it’s a challenge, but not that kind of challenge.” I started to consider whether it was a good idea to stay or not to listen, but my feet were stuck.

“Don’t stop trying” Clay encouraged.

“I don’t do it. I invite her to go out and it is always the same result: No. “I fear that someday she will get tired and send me to the devil”

My blood ran cold. They had not yet pronounced my name but knew perfectly well that they were talking about me. My hands began to tremble.

“I don’t think so. You two make a good team. It’s hard to see a Jeff without Y/N, or a Y/N without a Jeff” I glanced over and watched my friend smile. I did too. It was true; we could complement us in an incredible way.

I watched Jeff’s profile, again thinking away from his friendship, made me feel short of breath. I couldn’t imagine my life without having met him; he managed to understand me, my problems, my follies and occasionally my pessimism. The random memory hit me on a Saturday that taught me to hit, I could feel his body on my back and his arms around mine, even his hands on mine to help me hold the bat well. It had felt good, I didn’t have the imperative need to get away like when Bryce Walker tried to get too close to me. That guy gave me a very bad spine. Instead, with Jeff, I sometimes needed to have him close to feel that I breathe well, that everything is going its natural course. There was no Y/N Y/L without a Jeff Atkins, it couldn’t, and there was no consistency. It was like going against nature. My heart sped up and I hid my face again between the pages.

“Clay. What is wrong with me?” I had a gasp, only a few verbal rejects, at no time I distanced myself from him, after my negatives we were as normal as ever. Nothing had changed. I had the need to jump and give him a zap, Nothing was wrong with you, Atkins, you’re amazing, the best guy I’ve ever met! But I stood still with the lump in my throat.

“Nothing, dude. Let’s go back to your history essay, you need to distract your mind”

I listened as he agreed to the idea and I moved from shelf to the place where they didn’t see me. I put my hand to my chest and inhaled deep breaths. Why did i feel like crying? Maybe because Jeff didn’t notice the way I did, what could be wrong with him? He was a committed boy, especially now that his position in the team depended on his qualifications, attentive, pleasant, he isn’t of those who believed in rumors … and above all, he was an excellent friend of Clay and mine. How could there be anything wrong with that? Why cann’t you see yourself as I see you? I bit my lip.

“I saw you” Jessica came out of nowhere and gave me the shock of my life. She started laughing “Spying on people’s conversations? That’s too much for you”

I rolled my eyes.

"I guess I couldn’t help it,” I murmured.

“I heard them, too. I’ve never seen Jeff that way; he always has a smile on his face."I nodded to the cheerleader’s words. Suddenly, she started to laugh "Don’t you realize, Y/N?” I looked at her strangely “He’s in love with you! The whole institute knows this, obviously everyone, except you”

“We are good friends”

“So? That doesn’t take away the feelings, the question here is, Are you in love with him? ”

I was silent, I opened my mouth to answer her but I couldn’t, Why couldn’t I? I should deny it, but why didn’t i? Jessica Davis smiled.

“Do I confess something?” I waited quietly. “The way you look at Jeff, is the same way I look at Justin. Think about it. "She winked at me before leaving.

If my best friend’s words had left me frozen, Jessica’s words hit me. I looked over my shoulder toward the boys’ table, was I in love with my best friend? As I would know, I had never fallen in love with anyone in my life.

I ran as if my life depended on it to the baseball field, simply because my friend’s fool had forgotten his bat in the car and I as a good person i was, and because I knew the combination of his locker to get the keys, I did him the favor. Anyway, at home I was expecting some of those Mom’s smooth naturist, I wasn’t very excited to return soon. Before giving me sight in front of the team, I heard the boys howling and booing. I stopped and looked out, Jeff was in front of them, pretending to have difficulty raising the zipper of his sweatshirt. As I perceived quickly, they were making fun of him.

"Give it up at once, Atkins.” One of them said. I frowned. “You’re losing your good reputation for just one girl”

Not again, please. I pressed the bat in my hands.

“Let go and pass her, I assure you that I get an appointment with her long before you,” another of his classmates boasted. I was getting angry.

How could it be that they messed with him for some nonsense? I was nothing special, why did they all talk as if I were some sort of trophy? I looked at Jeff, he was still focused on his feigned task, but the gesture on his lips told me that he was having a bad time, so I got sick, it couldn’t be that my fear of losing him by spoiling everything with a label, So much harm to him. My eyes filled with tears, but I didn’t cry, instead, I smiled and walked resolutely towards them.

“Eh!” Shouted one of them with joy.

I didn’t look at any of them, my eyes were on my best friend’s, wanting to pretend he was more than okay. I didn’t stop until I felt my lips against his. I dropped the bat to our side and wrapped my fingers in his hair pulling him closer to me. His response, in the first place, was that his mouth was sealed by surprise, when he caught what was happening, he joined the same rhythm as me, bringing his hands to my waist. I didn’t part until the shouts of joy of his companions became present.

“Damn!” I recognized the voice of the one who at the beginning bet that I would go out with him.

I looked into Jeff’s eyes and smiled broadly. This kiss, which at first wanted to taste something, simply felt good. I began to feel that I was complete, even though I thought I had been before.

“I thought better, why wait until Saturday? Let’s have a date now.” My best friend’s eyes shone, I felt an extreme happiness inside, not for him, for me. “Oh, better, did you tell me that your parents are not going to be home all day? How about a bit of Netflix and chill? ”

His friends laughed, he too, but a little more shy.

“Come on.” He took my hand firmly.

“Boys” I gave a single glance at their companions, they began to cheer and push, like vile apes.

I laughed and looked back. When we lost sight of the team, Jeff stopped and looked at me even in shock.

“You were serious?”

“About the kiss or Netflix and chill?” I couldn’t stop smiling.

“Both of them”

“Now I know that I’m sure of the kiss” I bit my lip “Of the other, of course I was serious, a little more seriously in the chill part”

Jeff’s smile was the biggest i had ever seen. My heart skipped a beat.

“Then I drive. Later we’ll get back for your car”

There is this boy at my school who I think is the most attractive boy in the whole universe. He has tan skin that just seems to maintain its color no matter what time of year it is. His hair is a chocolate curly brown, that he runs his hands through at least 200 times a day. His eyes are a caramel-brownish shade that I truly melt into and am lost for words when ever I look into them. But he also has this laugh that is literally one of a kind, and not in a cute way, its high pitched and almost girly but its still music to my ears and always brings a smile to my face. When he talks to his friends, he always makes the funniest jokes and, when he needs to be, nice/helpful to them.

All my friends say that he isn’t attractive and has no like able qualities, and they just cant understand why I like him. I can never seem to figure out why they don’t think he is attractive or funny, it literally blows my mind.

But to be completely honest, I’ve never even had a conversation with him. Im not even friends with the people he’s friends with. I dont think I will ever be able to work up the courage to talk to him and tell him all the things I love about him.

So he will never know that while his friends are mocking his laugh, I’m falling for it. Or when he is smiling, I want nothing more than to be the one making him smile. Never will he know that when he runs his hands through his hair, its my dream to run mine through it too .

But, he will never know any of these things.

So if you are ever thinking that nobody will ever love you because you haven’t been asked out on a date or a stupid boy in high school hasn’t confessed his undying love for you, don’t think that someone doesn’t think of you as an amazing attractive person.

While you’re sitting in class laughing with your friends, someone may be falling in love with the sound of your laugh(even if its a funny one), or the way your eyes light up when your truly happy, or even the way you run your hands through your hair.

Don’t ever think your not good enough just because some boy/girl hasn’t told you how amazing you are.

Accidental Potion Slippage

IMAGINE: Draco knew there was something wrong when (Y/N) started fawning over a Weasley. Why the hell did she decide to like a Weasley when he was just about to ask her out? 

[gif is not mine. just a bit of fluff. once again from this prompt (x). a bit wordy once again.] 

warnings: swear words

words: 1.6k +


Draco looked at his best friend who was now currently fawning over a Weasley. A Weasley of all people! He stabbed his eggs viciously, then groaned when it fell off his plate. Can nothing go right? Since when did (Y/N) watch Weasley with stupid love heart eyes? And since when can he not eat eggs?

“Stop staring,” Draco grumbled.

(Y/N) turned to Draco, “Huh? Did you say something Draco?”

He rolled his eyes, “Stop staring at the Weasley, you might catch his Weasley-ness.” Draco scrunched up his nose at that thought. “Disgusting,” he mumbled under his breath.

“Isn’t he just dreamy?” (Y/N) placed a hand on top of the table and placed her chin on it. “I mean the way that he eats, it’s just,” she didn’t finish speaking, she just closed her eyes and smiled. And bloody hell was that a small moan emitting from her mouth?

“What the hell is wrong with her?” Blaise asked as he sat down in front of (Y/N). He followed her stare to the Gryffindor table. “A Weasley?”

“Like you can talk Zabini,” Theo piped up. He received a light punch to the arm by Blaise. “Dick.”

“I swear to god she’s been slipped a potion,” Draco muttered. It was the only explanation. She didn’t like the Weasley’s…the only ones that she can stand were the twins and they were long graduated, and the Weasley girl. Unless… she did really like Weasley. Draco shuddered. No, it definitely wasn’t that. (Y/N) disliked the Weasley’s, not as much as Draco but still.

“I’m right here,” (Y/N) groaned. “And I wasn’t slipped a potion. It’s just you know when you wake up and see someone in a different light, and suddenly they’re the only person you can think about?”

Draco sat there silently. Of course he knew, he’s been feeling that way towards her ever since fifth year. He was hoping to ask her to Hogsmeade, maybe join his family’s holiday to Germany, but (Y/N) taking a fancy to Weasley certainly put a damper to his plans.

“But he’s a Weasley,” was all Draco came up with. It sounded pathetic even to him, even though he would never admit it.

“Names are just labels.” They all watched as Ron walked out of the Great Hall with Potter next to him, then they turned to (Y/N) who started packing up her things.

“And where are you off to?” Blaise asked. “We have a free.”

“So does Ron, maybe I can catch up to him.” (Y/N) picked up her bag and ran towards the exit.

“For fucks sake, you’re screwed mate,” Blaise said as she bit into a muffin. Draco groaned and smacked his head against the table.


“Draco! There you are! I need help!” (Y/N) called out as she rushed to her best friend.

Draco placed the book he held in his hands into his bag, “What is it?”

Hold my hand so he gets jealous.(Y/N) pointed to Weasley who was laughing loudly with the other Gryffindor’s. Draco gritted his teeth, he had to pinch himself because he knew that he would do some serious damage to his mouth if he continued.

“Why me?”

“Because you’re my best friend, you’re extremely attractive and Ron hates you? Please?” (Y/N) pleaded, then turning on her charm -she pouted at Draco. She knew that if she did this action he wouldn’t say no.

Draco internally groaned, fuck, it was that pout. The one that made him want to snog her, the one that made her adorable as fuck. “Fine.”

(Y/N) smiled and intertwined their hands together. Draco had to rein his gasp when (Y/N) took his hand. Fuck her hands were dainty and small, and so soft. He relished in the feeling for a moment. Unconsciously his thumb rubbed her palm, she threw a curious glance in his way.

Draco could feel sweat emanating from the pores of his hand, all he could do was pray to the gods that she didn’t feel how sweaty it was. He allowed himself to be strolled to the Gryffindor’s.

“Hey guys,” (Y/N) greeted with a smile.

“Hey (Y/N),” Hermione spoke, her tone friendly. Then she turned to Draco, “Malfoy.”

“Hi Ron,” (Y/N) greeted bashfully. The red-head looked at the Slytherin and smiled. Out of all the Slytherin’s she was by far the nicest he came across.

“Hi (Y/N).”

Draco narrowed his eyes. He did not like that tone. He clenched his hands, forgetting he was holding (Y/N)’s. She returned the action by squeezing his hand, almost to the point that he squealed out in pain.

He stood there awkwardly, looking at the trees, the clouds, anywhere but the group. He managed to filter out (Y/N)’s disgusting love-filled talk to Weasley. Draco was too focused in not being focused that he missed Ron’s weird looks at (Y/N), Hermione’s curious stare. He also missed Harry’s eyes widening in understanding. He sighed in relief as he felt himself being dragged away.

Once out of earshot, (Y/N) removed her hand from Draco’s. “Ew your hand is sweaty.

How the hell was he supposed to reply to that? Sorry that my hand was sweaty, it was just I’ve been dreaming of holding your hand since fifth year when I found out that I love you, and I’m pretty sure I want to marry you and have children with you? And that mother and father found out that I love, so they’re now pushing marriage upon me? That my mother gave me a ring from the Malfoy vault, so when I got the courage to fucking ask you out and not fuck it up, I have the perfect ring for you? Unfortunately that was not how it happened.

“My palms get sweaty whenever I’m near something hideous,” Draco drawled.

(Y/N) shook her head, “Shove off, you git.” She laughed at him and linked her arms with his. “I got a date with Ron!”

Oh for fuck’s sake.


(Y/N) stormed through the courtyard, pass the Slytherin’s and once she reached where the Gryffindor’s usually sat, she slapped Ron as hard as she could. “What the fuck, Weasley?”

Draco, as well as the other Slytherin’s, ran to where the commotion was. Luckily, they came at the right moment, they heard the gasps and the laughter as Weasley stood there dumbfounded.

“Why the fuck did you slip me a love potion?” Her teeth were bared, her hair wild and her eyes furious. She began advancing, making Ron step backwards, finally Harry stood between them.

“I think I can explain.”

“You better have a fucking good reason as to why I was acting like an imbecile fawning over Weasley,” (Y/N) spat.

“That wasn’t meant for you,” Harry yelled. Afraid for himself and his best friend. “It was for someone else in your House.”

“Who?”

Harry looked sideways, “Potter, I swear if you don’t tell me right now, I’ll hex your balls!”

“It was for Parkinson!”

(Y/N) stepped backwards, she laughed, “Pansy?”

“Ron and Pansy had a bet going to see who could slip a love potion,” Harry explained.

“That has got to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard! And so illegal!” (Y/N) looked wildly at the red head, she walked towards him. “You better fucking hope that you didn’t ruin my chances!”

(Y/N) turned around, her hair hitting Ron in the face. She stormed past the Slytherin’s. Draco chased her. For someone so small she really could cover a lot of space. Upon reaching her, he noticed that they were in their secluded space that they discovered when they were in third year.

“Ruin your chances?” It was meant to be an ‘are you okay’? But all that was going through Draco’s heads was; what was the chance?

She lifted her head and looked at him, “What?”

He gestured behind him with his thumb, “Before you left. You said: ‘You better fucking hope that you didn’t ruin my chances’.”

(Y/N) shook her head, “For the love of Merlin, Draco! Are you really that daft?”

“What?”

She rolled her eyes and made an annoyed noise, “I’ve been trying to tell you that I fancy you.”

Draco pointed at her, then himself, “You like me?”

“I honestly don’t know why,” (Y/N) mumbled.

“You like me?”

She rolled her eyes again, “I think we’ve covered this. Now it’s your turn; do you like me?”

“Uh-huh,” was all Draco could say. He nodded dumbly as well. He must have looked like a right twat. “Date me?” He could have really slapped himself right then.

She winced, “Oo, when though? My schedule’s a bit busy.”

“What?”

“Merlin, I really hope that’s not the only thing that you’re going to say when we go to dinner next week.”

Draco shook himself out of whatever he was in, “Right.” He straightened his robes and looked at her. “Would you like to go to dinner with me next week?” He put his hand out to her.

She looked at it skeptically, “Draco, I don’t know if you know but dating isn’t usually a business contract. It’s usually not sealed with a handshake.”

He abruptly put his hand to his side, not knowing what to do he began side stepping. After doing that action for a couple of seconds, he gathered up the courage and looked at her. Draco saw as amusement was etched on her face, her biting her lip in order to stop herself from laughing at him. “How do you seal it then?”

She took a step forward, then another until she was in front of him. Grabbing him by the lapels of her robe, she pulled him close to her, “Like this.” Then (Y/N) pulled Draco, pressing her lips to his.

anonymous asked:

Can someone help me understand the Ace Spectrum, please? I'm trying to make sense of... things and I'm so confused I don't know what to do.

Of course!

So, the place where I think most of us get confused on our ace identity journey is with separating out types of attraction, and also separating out attraction from sex drive. So let’s talk about those two things:

There are many kinds of attraction, but we’re going to talk about these: sexual, romantic, aesthetic, and sensual. The idea of the split attraction model is that you don’t have to be attracted to someone in more than one of the ways above at the same time to still experience real and powerful attraction of a specific kind. For most allosexual (non-ace spectrum) folks, they tend to experience all four modes of attraction at the same time, and in particular sexual, aesthetic, and sensual attraction are so deeply tied together that they may not realize they’re actually three separate things. In ace folks, those modes of attraction are often not experienced at the same time, and one of them (sexual attraction) may not ever be experienced at all.

Romantic attraction is, well, someone you’re romantically attracted to. You want to spend your time with them, you think about them when they’re gone, they inspire poetry in you, etc etc.

Sexual attraction is basically when you see a person and think, Wow, I’d hit that. This is the kind of attraction people on the ace spectrum either don’t experience at all or don’t experience as often/broadly as allosexual folks, so we’ll come back to this one in a bit.

Aesthetic attraction is when something hits you just right in the beauty department and you want to look at it for a while. In my own personal experience with both myself and my ace friends, this type of attraction is often (but by all means not always or in everyone) hyper-powered in aces. I’m ace, and lemme tell you, there are people I could stare at forever. But I have never once in my entire life looked at one of those people and thought Wow I’d climb them like a tree. Just never happened, probably never will, because I don’t actually experience sexual attraction.

This particular kind of attraction often trips up people who are struggling to understand asexuality, to which I’d suggest this amazing example I’ve seen floating round the interwebs: You ever go out hiking, and you come to the top of a mountain and you see this breathtaking view of other mountains and valleys stretched out for miles before you, and it’s so incredibly beautiful that you just sit right down and stare at it for a while, and maybe you decide to take an early lunch so you can enjoy the view some more because it’s that lovely. But do you at any point want to bang the mountains? No, you do not. (I mean, if you do, we’re not judging, but let’s assume for most folks the answer is no :-p) And that is the difference between aesthetic and sexual attraction.

Sensual attraction is when you see a person and want to touch or hug or cuddle them in a non-sexual way. Some aces don’t experience this at all. Others experience it quite a lot. Still others experience it somewhere in the middle. For some aces it’s tied exclusively to romantic attraction. For others it’s tied to affection in general (familial, platonic, romantic, etc.). For others, it’s tied to aesthetic attraction. There are all kinds of reasons you might experience sensual attraction, but it’s important to remember that it doesn’t have to be tied to sexual attraction in any way.

So, that’s the split attraction model. To make a personal example, I experience aesthetic attraction roughly every 0.4 seconds, romantic and sensual attraction very rarely (and not always together), and sexual attraction literally never (I’m all the way on the far end of the ace spectrum). And my aesthetic attractions don’t necessarily line up with my romantic or sensual attractions, and vice versa. But aces are many and varied and beautiful, and everyone’s going to experience these attractions differently.

The other thing I wanted to talk about is how sexual attraction =/= sex drive. Folks struggling to identify on the ace spectrum often think they’re not “allowed” to be ace because they masturbate, or they watch porn, or they’re experiencing sexual attraction to their current partner. But here’s the thing: all of those experiences are 100% valid and do not make you any less ace.

First, remember that asexuality, like all sexualities, is a spectrum. So you may be all the way on one end of the spectrum like me (never experiences sexual attraction under any circumstance), or you may be demisexual (only experiences sexual attraction with someone to whom you’ve formed a deep emotional relationship) gray ace (only experiences sexual attraction rarely, for reasons that may or may not involve emotional connection). Both of those orientations are valid asexual identities that involve sexual attraction, and experiencing sexual attraction in those ways does not invalidate your identity on the ace spectrum.

Second, it’s important to remember that sex drive doesn’t actually have to be tied in any way to sexual attraction. Think about the human body like a machine. Just because you’re ace doesn’t mean the pipes don’t still work, you know? You can still experience arousal, you can still enjoy orgasm, you can still enjoy porn, you can even still enjoy sex with other people. None of those things means you experience sexual attraction to the person(s) you’re watching or with. Many aces have extremely active sex drives. Many aces have robust solo sex lives. Many aces read or watch porn to get off (check out autochorissexual; it’s an identity many aces feel at home with, including me). And there are endless valid reasons why an ace person might have sex with someone (you want the emotional intimacy, you’re horny, it makes your partner happy and you don’t mind it at all, you’re wildly in love and want to express it physically, you’re sensually attracted and want the physical closeness, you want to get/get someone pregnant, it just plain feels good, etc. etc. etc.), not one of which need involve sexual attraction to the person you’re sleeping with. Of course, if you’re gray ace or demisexual, you may very well experience a deep sexual attraction to the person you’re with. The point is, aces can and do have sex drives, masturbate, watch porn, and have sex with other people. Although I feel it’s also important to point out here that it’s perfectly okay not to do any of these things; some aces are sex repulsed and/or touch-averse and that is 100% valid too.

Okay so this answer is getting crazy long now, and I feel like I’ve covered the general bases, so I’m going to wrap up. But if you have any other questions, please don’t hesitate to ask! Half the staff here is ace and we’re always happy to talk about it, either in broad strokes or via our own personal experiences.

When you fangirl about how hot and cute Thomas is, but nobody ever knows who you mean

You mean him?

Or him?


Yes, my friends say I’m attracted to Thomas the tank engine, thanks for supporting us

I got a thing for his attractively shining blue varnish


blue means trust, responsibility, honesty and loyalty


dream boyfriend


run me over daddy

The Adrien Diaries...

Okay, so this is particular entry is a Valentine’s Day special… that’s over a week late. Deal with it, inspiration for the most awkward scenario only struck yesterday after talking to both @animatedsuperchick19 (who suggested the game they are playing) and @mr-hawkmoth (who talked me into this being an Adrien Diaries/Aftermath Addendums). Blame them for sunshine boy’s suffering.

 Now, this has an Aftermath Addendums coming, as well as ANOTHER Adrien Diaries Entry… Although if ya’ll are hoping to get poor Mari’s POV anytime soon, keep waiting XD

Enjoy!

Keep reading

Four pints, possibly five.

Sherlock snapped out of his mind palace to find the sozzled head of John Watson propped on the sofa where he lay. Ah yes, drinks with Lestrade. Four pints, possibly five. He couldn’t be too comfortable sitting like that on the floor. Rumpled hair. Warm, liquid, rather unfocused eyes. John was looking at him and speaking.

’ … can’t do this anymore, Sherlock.’

Can’t do what? Was he moving out? He and little Watson had barely moved in. Was John having second thoughts? Could this be Lestrade’s fault? Sherlock would piss in his tea.

But John was still speaking. That little frown of concentration. Something important.

’ … learn to forgive myself. That’s what Ella keeps saying. I’ve been so angry at myself over so many things, Sherlock. I have to let something go.’

Did it have to be Sherlock? But the look on John’s face, well, it wasn’t one of a person saying goodbye. John was even starting to blush. Why would he blush?

’ … don’t feel things that way. Maybe I don’t either. Look, who the hell knows. But I need to stop hating myself for finding my best friend attractive.’ John took a deep breath. A glimmer of Captain Watson. ‘You’re an attractive man, Sherlock Holmes. There.’

Sherlock stared. Blinked. Stared. John giggled, put his fist to his mouth for a moment. It reminded Sherlock of the stag night. Had John found him attractive then? But he got married. So what does this mean? He’s not moving out? No. John couldn’t leave him again.

’ … your face! Go on, you know you’re gorgeous. Those damn cheekbones. And that arse. Sherlock, your arse. No, no, anyone would agree. Science would say it’s a brillant arse. I can’t feel guilty about this, Sherlock. Not anymore.’

And then John yawned. He reached up and patted Sherlock’s curls.

‘And that beautiful hair. Bastard.’ He yawned again. ‘Yeah, OK, I feel better already. Don’t worry, this is normal. Ella says it’s normal. It’s not like I suddenly want to shag you or anything. Or whatever. It’s all fine.’

A shag? Sherlock could do with a shag. He was terribly confused. He watched John push himself to his feet with a soft grunt and start making his unsteady way to the stairs.

Would he remember this in the morning? Was Sherlock supposed to pretend this never happened? Dear god, were they in a relationship? Should he buy lube? Or was this just an unfortunate mix of therapy and inebriation? Should he call Lestrade?

Sherlock lay on the sofa, puzzling and puzzling, for a very long time.

Honestly so much of the way I interact with other women is based on my experiences as a young, closeted, scared lesbian that it’s bordering on sad.

I feel awkward telling my friends that they’re attractive if they’re women because I’m scared they’ll take it the wrong way. I feel weird hugging other women because I’m scared they’ll thing I’m coming onto them. I never ever have a conversation while in a locker room/changing room with other women even if they’re my friends. I always go over everything I might say and how it could possibly be interpreted before saying it because what if they think I’m hitting on them? And it’s not even just with straight friends either. I have the exact same issue when speaking with other lesbians and with bi women and pan women and questioning women and women who are attracted to other women in general.

So this is your daily reminder that if you’re experiencing this, you’re not alone in it, and no matter what your internalized homophobia/biphobia may tell you, being attracted to women doesn’t make you inherently predatory or bad, no matter what you were told by others when you were younger or get told by homophobes now

anonymous asked:

all my friends always talk abt how attractive some guys are without a shirt on and I just don't?? get it????? like it's just a guy without a shirt??? what's so special about that???? anyway, i'm basically wondering if this is a common ace experience

It probably is. I mean, you can see their chest muscles but ??? I don’t get it either.

Fine And Dandy

Knowing the name of your soulmate was fine and dandy, unless you had a name like Joseph.

Do you know how many bloody Joseph’s there are in the world?!

A lot. I googled it one day. Because I was bored, and my friend and I had been discussing our soulmates. This all stemmed from her having gone on a date with her potential soulmate, all because the guy had the name Liam.

I had personally rolled my eyes when she told me, but she protested saying that it was worth a shot, and I should try it myself.

She shut up really fast when I reminded her how many people had the name of my soulmate. There was just too many people in the world, and so I never bothered.

I still went on a few dates with some other guys, despite knowing that they were not my soulmate, and I was most definitely not theirs, but it was fun. I was allowed to have fun until I was attached for the rest of my life.

My friend on the other hand? Wouldn’t even give a guy a second look if his name wasn’t Liam. It helped that her name was less common than mine.


“Are you ready yet?!” My friend yelled at me through the door, and I rolled my eyes, checking over my reflection again. The two of us were heading to a party that her newest Liam was hosting, and she insisted on me dressing ‘cute and flirty, because you never know, Y/N!’

Knowing it was easier to just go with her, rather than against her, I picked out a cute and flirty outfit, when all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed and watch Netflix.

“Y/N!” A pounding on the door tore my gaze away from the mirror, “Let’s go!”

“I’m coming!” I shout back, pulling the door open, “Is this good?”

“Perfect.” She smiled at me, looping her arm with mine before leading me towards the front door. “You’re going to get all the boys attention!”

“I don’t want attention though,” I groaned.

“Yes you do. Shut up.”

“You’re a mean best friend.”

“I’m an amazing best friend. Trust me, you’ll enjoy this party.” I glanced over at her, seeing the secretive little smile on her face, but I simply shook my head, in no mood to try and figure out what she had planned.


Once we had arrived at the party, she was quick to disappear, dashing through the crowd to find her Liam, leaving me standing awkwardly against the wall, casually people watching.

My eyes fell on a group of guys, around my own age, laughing and joking with each other, sipping on their drinks. But it was one in particular that I felt drawn too.

His blue eyes were shining with mirth, and his lips tugged up in a small smile as he brushed the hair away from his face. As if he could feel my gaze, he looked my way, his smile growing slightly as he tipped his drink towards me.

I nodded back, feeling my cheeks turn warm before I dragged my eyes away from him, forcing myself to look instead for my friend.

When I did find her, I was surprised to see her marching up to the group of boys boldly, asking them something. The friends all pointed towards the blue eyed man, and he gave her a confused look before suddenly being lead over to me, surprise now mixing with his confusion.

My own eyes widened as I watched my friend bring this attractive man towards me, a pleased smile on her face.

“Babes, I would like you to meet my new friend,” She looked at me directly in the eyes, “Joe.”

“Uhm, hi?” He offered with a small wave, glancing back at his friends quickly, who were all trying to pretend like they were not watching.

“Have fun you two!” My friend wiggled her fingers before spinning around and dancing back across to Liam, chatting easily.


“I’m sorry,” I shot Joe an apologetic look, “She’s a bit crazy.”

“It’s fine,” He laughed, his fingers running through his hair again. “I was actually hoping to find a reason to come talk to you.”

“You were?”

“That sounds really bad, doesn’t it?” He laughed again, this time more nervously. “But yes, I was.”

“Then I’m glad she gave you a reason.”

“Me too.” He smiled, and I couldn’t help but smile back.

In the back of my head, I did wonder, what if this was my Joe? The one I had been searching for all of my life. But I quickly pushed that thought to the back of my mind, as I often did, because I refused to let the whole ‘knowing your soulmate’s name’ thing ruin a good conversation with a fit guy.


“Oh,” Joe suddenly said, “You know my name, but I don’t know yours…”

“Right,” I let out a small laugh, “She did seem to leave that part out, didn’t she?”

“Seems easier to not question what she does.”

“Probably,” I nodded, “And my name’s Y/N.”

Shock spread across Joe’s face like wildfire, and he stared over at me for a moment, “Y/N?”

“Uhm, yes?” Worried I had said something wrong. Most likely though, he was realizing that my name was not the name of his soulmate, and therefore was trying to think of a way out.

“Holy shit,” He breathed out, “I found you.”

“You found me?”

“You’re her.” He grinned, “I just know it.”

“Her?” I repeated again, but everything was clicking together in my mind. I was her, he said. Joe was my soulmates name. So that must mean… “Is my name the name of your soulmate?”

“Yes.”

“And you think I’m your soulmate?”

“I know you are.”

“How?” I was scared, because what if we weren’t? Then our hopes would be destroyed, and we’d have to start all over again.

“Because you know your soulmate. Don’t tell me you can’t tell, Y/N.” The way Joe said my name, it felt familiar. Right. Like it belonged.

“I can,” I finally admitted, “You have to be him. I don’t think I can handle it if you’re not.”

“Nice to meet you, Y/N.”

“And lovely to meet you, Joe.”


Alright, so maybe knowing your soulmates name really was fine and dandy.

some aus
  • ‘you’re a celebrity incognito trying to hide from paparazzi and you’re sitting right next to me and i’m the only one that recognizes you’ au
  • ‘someone starts a rumor that we’re dating so let’s turn the tables’ au
  • ‘you made an obscure literary reference and i’m the only on that got it’ au
  • ‘we were both late to class and walked into each other in the hall and oh god do you have a concussion? i’m so sorry’ au
  • ‘oh my god you’re my ex’s other ex’ au
  • ‘we’re both actors and keep showing up for the same auditions’ au
  • ‘i keep overhearing you make fun of me so i finally try to stand up for myself and it actually had nothing to do with me at all i’m sorry i never meant for this to happen’ au
  • we’re both teachers and all our students ship us’ au
  • ‘i kissed the wrong person on news years’ au
  • ‘i’m yelling to my friend about how attractive this celebrity is and then plot twist you’re the celebrity and in front of me wtf’ au
  • ‘the only two people in the movie theater’ au
  • ‘we showed up at a party wearing the same exact outfit. this is awkward.’ au
Lend Me a Hand (Genyatta)

Rated: T for violence
Words: 1636 (Oneshot)

Although it wasn’t requested, I couldn’t resist writing it, even if it was just an idea!



Meditation was a forty five minute affair, for Genji and Zenyatta, which they had to themselves for peaceful thinking, daily. The two had a room on the base for this practice, as Zenyatta had kindly asked Winston for when he had agreed to help out with his gifts within the new Overwatch. The group had cleared the two out an old small social room, and Zenyatta had decorated it with plants and a small bubbling fountain in one corner. Often, various insects and birds would fly into the room if they left the window open, and a few members of the team had walked in numerous times to Zenyatta obliviously meditating, butterflies stuck to his face or birds perched along his arms and shoulders. The sensors on his surface were shut off and power redirected during meditation, and he often flickered back to life to Genji trying to round up and collect animals and insects.


This day was no different. Genji and Zenyatta were out in the grounds training. Genji vaulting the cliffs above Zenyatta with his brother in a quest of strength, the two eager to compete with one another once again. Hanzo still refused to pick up a  blade, and so the two endurance trained, scrambling up rock faces and fighting hand to hand with bots also firing as a distraction. Genji’s pistons hissed and released gas as he struggled to block a palm directed at his chin. The palm connected with a gruff growl from Hanzo, who immediately took control of his advantaged, and pressed forwards, knocking the cyborg back with another power packed palm smashing into the fibrous wires between his arm and chest plate. Genji was sent flying backwards a few steps and Hanzo leapt into the air in kick, his bare foot aimed at Genji’s gut. The ninja reacted quickly and stumbled back another few steps before regaining his footing and refocusing his core, spreading his feet and arms for balance. Hanzo huffed a chuckle and held his fist close to his side, his other arm outstretched, two fingers beckoning Genji forwards.


“You have grown too reliant on your speed, brother. What if you were to be caught without weapons, surely, it seems, you would be bested easily?” Hanzo grinned, his teeth glinting in challenge as sweat dripped down his temples and chest, unburdened by his kyudo-gi which he had shed and the yugake gloves which were placed on top. Genji was glad that as a cyborg, he no longer had to worry about the smell from sweating, or sweating at all.

“Rather, it seems, brother, that you have been busy. Was normal life too mediocre for you? I’m guessing you spent plenty of time picking fights. Its hard to let it go completely, Hanzo.” Genji’s eyebrows quirked cheekily, and he too, gritted his teeth before dashing forwards and landing a punch on Hanzo’s chest. The elder Shimada grunted but quickly used Genji’s momentum to push the second punch past his side.


Zenyatta had long since finished the motions of his own practice, and sat peacefully, watching the two lethal heirs have at one another. Genji was far weaker in hand to hand, and had always lagged behind Hanzo in their specific training for it when they were younger, and still it seemed, that his stamina was lacking in comparison. A ninja usually had little need for hand to hand, and that was reflected in Genji’s typical fighting technique, run rings around them, weaken them, and then strike and get the finishing blow, or go straight for the throat and the quick and easy kill. Hanzo was far more used to patience and endurance, waiting for his kill, before aiming and releasing the arrow for the long awaited end. Zenyatta’s orbs whirled around his neck as he thought, and he began comparing the two, sensors and memory units committing details of their fighting to memory in case he should need it one day.


The monk was joined on the grass by the, as he insisted, ‘cowboy’, Jesse McCree. He tipped his hat in greeting and flopped down on the grass next to Zenyatta, gloved hands picking around the strands for a satisfactory piece which he then inserted between his lips and ground the stalk between his back teeth, the top covered with seeds.

“Greetings McCree. Have you come to watch them spar?” Zenyatta tipped his head curiously, an orb raised a little above the rest to reflect this. Jesse shrugged at his questioning and turned his eyes towards the two brothers who were now huffing with effort.

“I came to watch the fireworks, sure. Been a while since I’ve seen something juicy like this. The only ones that used to be worth watching were Morrison and Reyes-” McCree caught sight of the bare sweaty chest of the eldest Shimada brother, and whistled, “Well if that ain’t a pretty sight, then I don’t know what is.”


Zenyatta glanced over the elder brother and shrugged, his orbs moving up and down with his shoulders, “ I do not see the appeal I’m afraid my friend. Perhaps you have an attraction to tattoos? Or perhaps it is facial hair?” and turned his head back to McCree innocently, folding his hands in his lap over the top of his yellow robes.

McCree shrugged and moved the piece of grass to his other cheek, biting down on the stalk, “Look at dem-”

“I assume you were talking about us as we were fighting?” Hanzo’s scowling face pinned a glare on McCree and wiped his neck on the towel he had strung over his shoulder. Genji’s face was amused and he chuckled before offering a cybernetic hand for Zenyatta.

“As much as I would love to see the domestic that is about to occur, brother, me and my master have meditation to attend to.” Genji elbowed Hanzo in the side and tugged Zenyatta up off the ground. “Shall we, master?” Zenyatta’s senors scanned over Genji and a sadness registered as he realised as Genji had replaced his face plate and visor back in their place.

“Of course my student. Let us go and rid you of these frustrations.” Zenyatta was not unaware of the strange way Genji had been acting. Perhaps meditating would help Genji think upon his problems. McCree waggled his eyebrows as they left.


The two settled into the room relatively easy, and Zenyatta first spent time tending to his plants, carefully pruning the bonsai trees he had cultivated from seeds. One mistake would mean hours upon hours of labours would be wasted. Genji watered the easier house plants before rotating a few succulents and seating himself on one of the cushions, his pistons releasing streams of hot air as he relaxed. Zenyatta soon followed him, putting aside his watering can and slowly sitting, crossing his legs over one another. With a hum he began focusing his systems and lowering the power to his peripherals, the hum that was whirring in his chest slowing. Genji shifted in his seat and plating thumped softly as he rested his arms on top of his thighs and sighed with a mechanical edge.


They were only sat for a few minutes, Zenyatta having almost fully focused, when he felt the stare of Genji’s eyes on his body. The orbs around Zenyatta’s neck span in place and clinked, sparkling gold as he powered his peripherals once more.

“My student, is there something bothering you? You know you can speak to me of your problems.” Genji jolted at the sound of Zenyatta’s soft, sudden voice, but quickly regained his composure. He seemed almost contemplative for a moment or two, before he reached up to his face and clicked the visor and guard away, placing them on the pillow beside his thigh. The cyborg then gingerly scooted forwards and seated himself in front of Zenyatta, wringing his hands a little. Zenyatta tilted his head and waited for Genji to explain himself. Carefully, cybernetic hands reached forwards, and pushed Zenyatta’s thumb and forefinger apart gently- it was Zenyatta’s common hand position when he meditated. With gentle strokes and pushes, Genji flattened out the hands in his grip and pushed the fingers apart, linking them with his own as he pushed his and Zenyatta’s hands together.


“I apologise for staring, Zenyatta, and for being so distant recently. I…” Genji closed his mouth and swallowed, “I have been thinking on something, something huge, and I felt it was necessary to have some distance to sort through my thoughts. Now, I have concluded what they mean.” The ninja nodded and squeezed the monk’s hands, as though grounding himself. Zenyatta felt the gentle squeeze through his sensors, and instinctively gave Genji’s hands a squeeze of comfort back. Genji smiled, “Master- ah Zenyatta. Would you do me the honour of having your hand?”.


Zenyatta gazed at Genji for a moment, before humming confusedly,

“Ah, of course you can my student, however I’m afraid the procedure is a lengthy one. My hands are not like other omnics, they do not remove with switches, and the operation would mean I have to severe my sensor wires…”

Genji stared at his face, his mouth open wide and he closed it several times before fumbling for words, “Ah! Zenyatta, I did not mean literally, I am sure it is-”

Zenyatta’s regal laugh broke him off and the omnic chuckled in the air, his legs wiggling as he gripped his belly, “Oh of course I know what it means Genji. I was merely jesting with you.” Zenyatta pushed a finger through the dark hair covering Genji’s dark hazelnut eyes, and hummed gently.

“Of course I’ll give you my hand in marriage silly billy.”


Genji tackled him in a tear wet hug.

anonymous asked:

Do birds make you more attractive to the opposite sex?

This is a difficult question to answer specifically, because obviously, and statistically, birds make you more attractive to literally everyone. Are you a human? Have you seen this mysterious stranger with a bird? Are you suddenly and inexplicably intrigued?? Are you the opposite sex? Same sex? Any sex?? Gender? Any gender??? EVERYBODY??!? GET ON IT

“With a beard or without, with breasts or without, in flannel or in skirts, I am female and I will never let anything or anyone try and take that away from me again.”

Submission by @questiontransition

28 years old, Maine

When I was little, I did all the gender expected things that little girls are “supposed” to do like wear dresses and try on my mom’s make up, but I was also really active and climbed trees, played with my brothers in the mud, and played soccer. I was always wanting to pretend to be the boy when I would play with my friends, and I eventually fell out of my love of feminine things to instead embrace everything more masculine. I liked how the girls around me would accept it when I was pretending to be a boy and I felt like that made me feel more real.

When I was in middle school, I realized I was attracted to my female friends the way my male friends were attracted to them, and I started to feel really out of place. I hit puberty and I hated the way my body changed, I despised my period as any sane girl would. I had cut my waist length hair up to my ears and it didn’t take very long to start getting homophobic slurs thrown my way and people avoiding being my friend. While I found a girlfriend in high school who loved me for who I was, she was only just starting to settle into her sexuality and so she was shy about public affection or really being proud of telling people we were together.

I felt very isolated and I had started to really experience what I would later know was dysphoria, especially the larger my breasts grew and the more men started to give me attention. I was 15 when I had to do a research paper for my AP Psychology class based on any topic I wanted. I had wanted to do something related to the LGBT community and it was then that I decided to do research on the T part of that acronym and really try and figure out what it was about. As I looked up information on Gender Identity Disorder, as it was then called, and read personal stories, I started to see myself in more of them. Maybe not the knowledge of from birth, but certainly the desire to be a man, the discomfort in my gender role, the hatred of my female body. I was certain this was who I was.

I’ve been in therapy since I was a kid due to childhood abuse from my father and a traumatic divorce between my parents, so I started to discuss these thoughts with my therapist. Even over a decade ago, she was ready to tell me that I absolutely was trans from everything that I was telling her, and that the childhood wishes didn't really have to be a part of it - my current clear body dysphoria coupled with my constant desires to be a man were solid enough for her. As I was just a kid and I did not want to come out about it to my parents, I didn’t pursue any adolescent transition. My girlfriend and close friends were the only ones I came out to and I started to use he/him pronouns to see how it felt.

I was 19 when I moved away from my home in the mid atlantic to New England. Being so far away from home, I started to change my pronouns with people I introduced myself with, and started to introduce myself by a masculine name. I hadn’t taken hormones, but trans awareness was starting to slowly come into the public, so people were understanding. I ordered a binder and a packer. I tried to deepen my voice. I watched YouTube videos and read advice blogs telling me to study other guys, to talk with a deeper voice, to walk like a guy, to take up more space, to change the inflection of my words, to be more aggressive, to play more sports and stop doing all the “girly shit” I was more fond of like sewing and baking. I came out to my family - my mother didn’t care, my father was expectedly an asshole, but my aunt said something that would always stick with me; “Oh, I knew you had to be trans - you never liked make up or gossip or any of the stuff normal girls like. I knew you had to be a boy.”

By the time I reached my early 20s, I had decided I wanted to pursue transition. Through help from the Tumblr trans community, I found a doctor who only needed inform consent rather than multiple letters from therapists because I thought easier meant they were more accepting, that there was less “gatekeeping.” I got on hormones within a month of my 25th birthday. Two years later, I was able to get chest surgery. I changed my name. I changed my gender marker. I had thousands of followers watching my transition, pushing me along the way, congratulating every “brave” step I took, telling me how incredible I was, how handsome I was, how perfect I was. Sure I got the occasional hatred from bigoted jerks looking to get a rise out of me, but I was seen as a hero to so many more.

My girlfriend from high school ended up becoming my wife, we decided to start a family. It was around that time that I had started to really question what it meant to be a man or a woman. I couldn’t get her pregnant because I didn’t have the right reproductive organs - if I was a man, that should have been something I could do. My dysphoria worsened and I started to feel depressed. I had no one in the lesbian community to talk about our pregnancy journey with, no same sex couples to really connect to, and opposite sex couples wouldn’t have understood my needs. I started to realize that my sense of self was not actually that of a man, that I would never be a straight man, and my brain couldn’t wrap around it because of years of exposure to the constant rhetoric that trans men are men, men don’t all have penises, men are men if they feel it. 

The idea of trans without dysphoria had led me to the “truscum” community, which eventually led me to the radfem and gender critical communities. I had been taught to despise these people by the trans community on and off Tumblr, but I had started to see how many opinions we had that overlapped, and the concerns of gender I’d had since my wife got pregnant actually addressed. These ideas were so much more real, so much more factually backed, and not relying on feelings or senses of self. I started to realize my desire to be a man may have been my fear of being a butch lesbian, that internalized misogyny and homophobia could have been the cause for all of the feelings I’d had.

It’s only been a few months in which I’ve finally really accepted the idea of detransitioning. I stopped taking T about 3 weeks ago, my wife and I have had long talks about the idea of my socially detransitioning as well as medically. What it might mean, how it might effect us, what her parents will say, what my parents will say, how our friends will react. My mother knows and is fully supportive. I haven’t told most of my friends, too afraid of how they might react right now. I’m easing my way in, wetting my feet, trying to slowly remind myself what being a woman really means and trying not to regret the steps I took to survive in a time when I didn’t know any better. 

With a beard or without, with breasts or without, in flannel or in skirts, I am female and I will never let anything or anyone try and take that away from me again.