Excuse me, miss? There seems to be a mistake. I believe I ordered the *large* cappuccino. *Hello!* Look at the size of this thing!
It’s practically a bowl. It’s like Campbell’s Cup-O’-ccino!
Every time you meet a nice girl you can get close to, you always break up with them for paranoid reasons.
~If you think I’m sexy and you want my body, all you’ve got to do is call~
You know, Scotland has its own martial arts. Yeah, it’s called FA-QUE!
It’s mostly just head butting and then kicking people when they’re on the ground.
She was a thief, you got to belief, she stole my heart and my cat.
You know her, I mean… you DID sleep with her?
What would you say to silver dollar pancakes, fresh squeezed orange juice, bacon, and Kona coffee?
That other stuff will probably kill you… Whereas Froot Loops are light, and reasonably high in fiber. I care for Apple Jacks a great deal.
Do you actually like haggis?
I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Tell me one bad thing that you’ve done, and it better be evil. Like so evil, that you would say it was E-VEEL, like it’s the FRU-ETS of the DEV-EEL. E-VEEL.
Brutal’s a subjective term. What’s brutal to one person might be entirely reasonable to someone else.
What do you look for in a woman you date?
I know everyone always says sense of humor, but I’d really have to go with breast size.
So bright women intimidate you?
I like the night life. I like to boogey.
You know what this place needs? A large, oversized poster of Atlantic City.
Maybe it IS late. You know, I’ll be honest with you. I had a really great time tonight and, uh, I’d really love to kiss you but I think that if I kiss you we’ll end up kissing on the couch and if we end up kissing on the couch then chances are we’ll kiss in the bedroom and if we kiss in the bedroom then, you know, that’s the part I always rush into and I just don’t think it’s a good idea to rush into spending the night together.
I want to spend the night with you.
Wow, you’ve turned into a right sexy wee bastard. Do you know that?
I find it interesting that you call The Weekly World News “the paper.” A paper contains facts.
*This* newspaper contains facts. Look at this: “Pregnant man gives birth.” That’s a fact!
Move that melon of yours and get the paper if you can, hauling that gargantuan cranium about!
His head’s like Sputnik. Spherical, but quite pointy in parts.
Give your mother a kiss, or I’ll kick your teeth in.
Look at the size of that boy’s head. It’s like an orange on a toothpick!
That was off-sides, wasn’t it? He’ll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow!
Turn off the Bay City Rollers! The soccer game is about to begin!
Well it’s a well-known fact, Sonny-jim, that there’s a secret society of the 5 wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, who run *everything* in the world including the newspapers, and they meet triennially in a secret country mansion in Colorado known as: ‘The Meadows.’
I hated the Colonel, with his wee beady eyes and that smug look on his face! ‘Ohh you’re gonna buy my chicken!’ Ooh!
How can you hate ‘the Colonel?’
He puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes you crave it fortnightly, smart ass!
You have the face of a wee angel, do you know that?
I like this one, she’s quite a filly!
______tells me you’re a butcher. Do you link your own sausage?
Lighten up. You’ve got a pickle up your ass again.
I’m just gonna go to the wash room, evidently I have a pickle up my ass.
Make sure there’s enough paper–and LIGHT A MATCH!
Come with me, I have wonderful photographs when ____ was a wee baby.
Show her the picture of _______ when he shit his pants at Niagara Falls!
You know what I like best about you? That I can tell you anything at all, and you don’t judge me.
Have you ever stood at the edge of a cliff or a subway platform with someone and you thought just for a split second: “What if I pushed him?”
Usually I follow the Judeo-Christian ethic of “Thou shalt not kill” but that’s just me.
I could do *anything* to you in your sleep. You’re lying on your side, totally asleep, and I could just, Oh, I don’t know… stick a needle in your ear–?
I’m just trying to show you what a great relationship we have!
I’m a human blanket~
I’m smitten. I’m in deep smit.
My name is John Johnson but everyone here calls me “Vicky.”
Have you heard of this? Mrs. X? She murders her husbands on their honeymoons, then changes her identity and marries again.
Two words: Therapy.
I’m afraid you’re gonna ki - leave me.
I’m having doubts about being a cop. You know, it’s not like how it is on TV. All I do all day is fill out forms and paperwork.
Hey Paisane! You screw up one more time I’m going to kick your spaghetti bending butt back to Milan!
“’He wants you back, he screamed into the night air like a fireman going to a window that has no fire… except the passion of his heart. I am lonely. It’s really hard. This poem… sucks.’”
____ years ago today, ____ and I were married. Some of you were there, some of you weren’t born, and some of you are now DEAD! But, we both said ‘I do,’ and we haven’t agreed on a single thing since.
I’m glad I married you, because hey, could’ve been worse. Besides, I still love you.
I want you to have my children, and I want you to have your children, and that sounds like an awful lot of children… but I love you.
Alright everyone, shut your cake hole!
We have a piper down! I repeat, a piper is DOWN!… ’S all right, he’s just pissed.
Let’s get pissed!
Everything you do is art, you’re a sex machine. Get on the scene with the sex machine!
She confessed to the murders of Abraham Lincoln, Julius Caesar, and Warren G. Harding. She’s a nutcase!
Happy in her cage, no longer full of rage. She roosts.
You acted cuckoo ‘cause you thought I would leave you~