(I’m typing this on my phone whilst at work.)
You can taste the word in your mouth, swirl it around and see how it feels rolling off your tongue.
The word that keeps happiness at arms length, wrapping its arms around you similar to the way a family member would after not seeing you for some time.
I never thought of myself as a person who could experience loss; who allowed themselves to get close enough to a person to lose them.
I guess it’s impossible to not be close to your family; of course my own white trash family had their problems but we always knew that we would be there for one another at the end of the day.
When the fight was over, we would come back to one another, huddle around an empty fireplace and pretend that we were okay.
At least I thought we were okay.
The day my Mom left, Jellybean safely seated in the back, her crown on her head, I knew that this feeling that swelled deep inside of me was not a feeling that could easily go away.
I waited, patiently, for the day that my mother would come home.
Sat through Birthday’s, thanksgivings and Christmases praying that she would walk through the door with Jellybean at her side.
You know you’ve hit rock bottom when wishes are the only things that safely get you through the day.
Hope doesn’t exist for the South Side kids; you grow up learning that kindness and hope stop short of the south side border.
I always thought that maybe the Jones’ would be different, maybe Dad would stop drinking, maybe Mom and Jellybean would come home.
But the Southside is the Southside and we’re all the same.
Until I met Y/N.
They came from the friendly, nicer part of town; where strangers offer kindness in open palms and hope floats on the wings of angels.
I never believed in love, only the sorrow that began to screw itself into my bones. Taking up permanent residence in my soulless body.
But when I saw Y/N, the first time, something inside of me began to flutter.
My heart beat faster and faster in my chest, electricity pulses through me.
Now, I’m not one to believe in something is idealistic as love at first sight; but when I made eye contact with them, when I heard them speak.
Damn, maybe it was the closest thing to love at first sight I’d ever seen.
It was simple, you had two decisions in a case like this;
1. The roots that hold you to the sorrow inside of you, keep them. It’s an armour you learnt to grow up with. Weakness wasn’t welcomed in my household.
2. Let your guard down, invite them inside, give them all of you wrapped in a present with a big red bow. Present them all of the pieces you are willing to offer and then some.
I chose the latter; after a while the loneliness, the sadness, it becomes boring.
It’s not fun when you’re living in the darkness all the time and if you’re lucky, you might find a light.
That one bright light that shines through the darkness, eviscerating it.
Welcome the light, the warmth, it’ll keep you safe during the bad days.
The days where the sorrow closes your throat and you feel like you’ll cry so many tears you might flood Sweetwater River.
Y/N was my light, they fought the sorrow, hacked at the roots and saved my life.
For that, I am thankful.
Aaaaah!!!!!! I think this too long :-( nooo!!!!
I hope you liked it though ! :-)
fucking not even worth it to go to my friends house drink a glass of wine talk for 2 hours about former classmates and their sexcapades then fuck up my car and possibly anger her scary white trash family because i fucked up their sump pump
“Where are we going mommy?” Makaio asked with confusion in his eyes.
“Tonight we are going to a nice hotel and tomorrow we will talk to aunt Katrina and see if she will let us stay with her for a bit.” You answered, trying hard to keep your eyes on the road.
“I wanna go home.” Makaio said quietly.
“Baby we can’t go home.” You said sadly.
“But Whyyyyy” He whined.
“We just can’t Makaio, okay? Please drop it.” You said a bit colder than you had intended.
Just as things got calm Halie started crying loudly.
“Shhhh Shhhh babygirl it’s okay” You tried to coo her.
She screamed louder.
“Shhh it’s okay Halie” , Makaio cood.
You felt every emotion well up inside of you. The noise, the ache in your heart, it was all too much.
“I can’t do this shit.” You said and pulled over.
You laid your head on the steering wheel and let go of every emotion you’d ever felt. You cried harder than you had ever cried before.
You felt a little head lay on your shoulder and you looked up through tear stained eyes.
Makaio had climbed into the front seat and rested his head on your shoulder, wrapping his little arms around your neck.
“I’m so sorry Makaio. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I’m so sorry I failed you.” You said, voice cracking from the tears.
“Shhh mommy it’ll be okay.” He said wiping your eyes.
You gave a small laugh and grabbed his hands, kissing them.
“You are the one thing I ever did right.” You said to him.
He moved a piece of hair from your face and booped your nose causing you to smile the way he always did for you. No matter how mad he was at you all you ever had to do was boop his nose and he had to grin.
“I’m sorry.” You said again, wiping your eyes. “Im sorry you had to see mommy like that.”
He shook his head to say “shh stop apologizing it’s okay” and for a second he looked just like Calum.
Let’s face it, he was his father made over in everything but personality. He was sweet and kind and caring and Calum was mean and selfish and unforgiving.
You opened your arms and Makaio held you and you held him.
“I love you so much son. We’ll come out of this stronger then ever before I promise.” You said squeezing him tight.
“I love you too momma.” He said holding you.
He let out a sigh and your heart broke into a million pieces. How could you do this to him? To breakdown like that?
You gave him another squeeze. “I’ll always protect you. Always. I’ll never let anyone hurt you, not if I can help it. You mean everything to me Makaio. You and Halie are my everything, please know that. I didnt want to leave, but we had to. Please don’t hate me.”
“We know.” He said giving you a faint smile.
You let go and wiped your eyes.
“Okay babyboy I’m okay now, thank you. You can get back in the backseat with your sister.” You said giving him a small smile.
He nodded and climbed back into the back.
“Seat belts on?” You asked.
“Yesmam” He replied.
You nodded and got back onto the road.
You drove until you spotted a little motel room.
“Yeah real nice” you thought to yourself as you mentally cursed yourself for relying on Calum all those years.
“Here we are kids.” You said as you stopped the car.
Makaio looked scared and you hoped your face didn’t show it too.
Calum would kick your ass into the next year if he knew that you were here.
You shook your head. Fuck him, he had no say in what you did anymore.
kehlani: it’s sad people reach so much about my race. I won’t reach to prove tho, just sad someone had to call my Caucasian side of the family “white trailer trash looking folks” to get their point across. It’s perfectly fine to question what you don’t know, but you never have to disrespect to do so. :) I’m a child of mixed race, four wonderful ethnicities. Proud of every bit of it. And no this isn’t me “giving attention to haters” why not use everything u can to teach a lesson.