my wallet is dust

Things I said during caffeine withdrawals sentence starters

1. “If our cells are constantly dying does that mean we’re all dead inside?”

2. “Dude I’m in so much pain right now.”

3. “FEAR IS AN ILLUSION CREATED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO HOLD US BACK FROM OUR TRUE POTENTIALS.”

4. “Barbie bdsm is fucking l it.”

5. “My mind is going a mile a minute but I don’t have enough energy to bring to life any ideas, in other news there’s a puppy.”

6. “Dude I want a puppy so bad they’re so fluffy and I will scream at the moon until I can hug one.”

7. “I only play REAL games like Hackers Online, where you play as a dinosaur and die until you get bored and watch puppy videos instead.”

8. “I saw a santa hat and went into space.”

9. “Fuck going cold turkey, cold turkey tastes like shit anyways.”

10. “If a game has chapters, does it count as a book?”

11. “Fuck you and your juicy ass.”

12. “If Kaneki drank as much coffee as me, he could survive without flesh for years.”

13. “Actually, I could probably be the most pacifist ghoul ever with my addiction.”

14. “Suffering while listening to Don’t Worry Be Happy by Bob Marley is a big mood.”

15. “Don’t go cold turkey on your period, it’s a bad combination.”

16. “My pLANT IS PROBABLY DYING FUCK.”

17. “Who needs sunshine when you can curl up and cry until the moon comes out.”

18. “Alcohol is shit, drink coffee instead, the only hangovers are when you’re on withdrawal.”

19. “I fucked up, Scooby.”

20. “This violin is radical.”

21. “I need to give my girlfriend more attention, but I’m not in a good enough condition for that.”

22. “Starbucks looks like heaven right now.”

23. “What if I hired a stripper to help me make omelets, as in legit omelets, no innuendos, that would be nice.”

24. “I’m so broke, I could inhale the dust in my non existent wallet to get high and die instantly from an asthma attack.”

25. “Everything is screaming, that’s not a good sign.”

Things that Legitimately Happened Today
  • My real estate agent called while I was visiting my parents. My has-been-wobbly-all-week buyer solidified. Deal is done but for the signing. [Cue excited jumping around]
  • I left my parents’ house floating on a cloud of delighted and stunned fairy dust.
  • I got home and realized that my wallet was no longer in my purse, for some reason.
  • Things to keep in mind: I am flying to the UK in 2 days.
  • My credit card is in my wallet. I need my credit card for many things, including getting on the plane.
  • I am moving to the United States for work in less than a month.
  • Other key Items that are in my wallet which are critical to my non-immigrant working situation: my birth certificate; my social insurance card; my (newly found…in my cutlery drawer, don’t ask, I don’t know why it was there) American Social Security card, the one I need to DO ANYTHING AT ALL IN THE UNITED STATES INCLUDING WORK AND SET UP INTERNET.
  • My Oyster card was in there too, Fully loaded. But, I mean. I could manage without that. Better than without MY CREDIT CARD.
  • A lot of deep breathing and self-hatred ensued.
  • I pulled apart everything I own.
  • I called my parents.
  • My parents tore their house apart, but did not find my wallet. they gave up. 
  • I couldn’t believe they could give up WHILE MY WALLET WAS STILL NOT FOUND.
  • I did not know where on earth I could possibly have left it if it wasn’t at my parents house. I hadn’t touched in at least 24 hours.
  • I called every lost & found I could think of. I left messages at all of them.
  • My mother called the Swiss Chalet where we had dinner last night. Nothing there.
  • WHAT DO YOU DO AT THIS POINT OMG I DON’T KNOW I went into intense mental problem solving mode. I could get cash for the trip, right? What about…don’t think about it, don’t think about it…HOLY SHIT WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
  • I walked over to my real estate agent’s office, because I did just sell my condo for reals, and I had to go sign off on it, wallet or no wallet.
  • Halfway there, my phone rang. It was the Go transit lost & found at Union Station, Toronto (a city I have not visited in the last 48 hours, for the record). They were returning my call. They had my wallet.
  • THEY HAD MY WALLET.
  • I totally totally burst into tears on the phone with this woman who called me. I love her forever now. My life is now dedicated solely to this woman.
  • I signed my documents and officially, firmly sold my condo. YAY!
  • I got on the train, went down to Union Station, and got my wallet back.
  • All my cards were there. My birth certificate was there. My SSN was there.
  • ALL MY CASH WAS STILL IN MY WALLET.
  • I cried. Again.

The moral of this story is WHY ARE ALL MY MOST IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS IN THE SAME PLACE OMG

and also

PEOPLE ARE AMAZING AND AWESOME AND I LOVE EVERYONE

EXCEPT FOR ME, I COULD DO WITH SOME IMPROVEMENT

MAYBE NOTICE WHEN YOU LEAVE YOUR FUCKING WALLET ON A FUCKING BUS FROM TIME TO TIME

But I am clearly the luckiest person in the world. That’s me. 

Is there a emotion that exists that I have not experienced in its most extreme form today? No. No, there is not.